The Things I Wish I Had Told You

Part 20.

I spent the next morning imagining what it would be like to kiss without having downed half-a-dozen vodka shots. It wasn't confusion I was experience, but rather a healthy mix of anxiety, longing and suspense. I thought this time, he would have the courtesy to text. The only thing he gave me was his silence. Dragging my feet down the stairs that reminded me so greatly of Cameron and along the streets that we soaked with memories, I reflected, or tried to rationalise, what was happening. Naturally, I began to compare, coming to the realisation that the quality of a kiss is wholly dependent on the intrinsic connection between two souls. Normally, I would be repelled by the thought of having some tobacco-laced tongue shoved down my throat. But with him it was different. It felt as if I was hanging my heart on a fishing pole dangling it in front of him, desperately hoping he would bite. My heart is out, my guard is down and the only thing burning is the time passing since that night. I wondered if he thought of me the way I did. If he did, he would text surely? He wouldn't leave me hanging.

Ring, ring. Marina's face appeared on my screen whose brightness was set too high for me to feel comfortable looking at it.

"Hey," I responded meekly.

"Anything you need to tell me? What the actual fuck, Kat?"

"Was it really that bad? I honestly thought no-one noticed."

"Well, the others certainly didn't, I was just on my way to use the bathroom when I see Cameron making out with this brunette extremely wildly. I was thinking to myself, who now? Then I see her face and I couldn't believe my eyes." I had no reaction beyond an uncontrollable giggle.

"I honestly just stood there, paralysed as I watched you two bounce from wall to wall. The worst part was that I couldn't tell whose attitude was more primal. Kat, what were you thinking!"

"Marina, I need to be honest with you. That wasn't actually the first time." as the words left my mouth, I was met with silence. Then a moment later, my ears felt abused by the level of shouting being expelled from my mobile.

"I cannot believe you did not tell me sooner! Cameron! Kat, have you not heard me talk about him?"

"I did. But even so, I cannot help how I feel about him. I have tried, trust me Marina, I have."

"And what about Jade? Isn't she one of your nemeses or something?" I took in a deep breath trying to think of how I could reconcile this tension between the boy I couldn't stay away from and the girl I couldn't be further away from.

"That's not the point," I confidently exclaimed, while I absorbed Marina's disapproval. She rambled on some more about how I need to be careful and not relinquish my self-respect for the sake of Cameron. It was however, as if I were a colander of fiery emotions and she was the water being poured in to extinguish the passions.

Later that day, Marina, Jacob and I gathered in Beavs. He wanted to discuss the quality of the music that night, Marina wanted to know more about Cameron, and me? I was only wondering where the man of the hour was.

"Last night was epic, until the point when it ended, and I realised I had to walk home. It was strange, I couldn't find Cameron. He must have left before me." I sat quietly while Marina looked slyly at me. I just pulled up my orange turtleneck over my mouth trying to hide my grin as Jacob spoke his name.

"Were you okay getting home?" Marina asked caringly. As I caught sight of her concerned expression, I was disrupted by Jacob's chuckle as if he was admitting to some mundane crime, for which no one would raise an eyebrow about.

"Well," he paused, desperately trying to compose himself. "So, I just decided to walk back. It really wasn't that far. But I was a little drunk still and honestly, I just wanted to be left alone. But then this guy comes up behind me, probably expecting to mug me." I was intrigued as he spoke these words with a frightening calmness, in stark contrast to Marina's reaction.