The Things I Wish I Had Told You

Part 22.

I managed to make my way back to my hall without a phone at four am. All I could think about was what would happen with him now that I had revealed my vulnerabilities that I kept hidden from everyone. The heaviness I carried with me was some sickening cocktail of shame and lust. Sensations drifted through my drunken mind, while I dragged reason behind me with a loose leash. I felt as if I had just given my body to someone who just wanted me because I was there. Had it been anyone else, they would have taken my place equally well. But now, the deed was done. Whatever I was going through with Cameron, I kept telling myself that he would not be the one I would lose my virginity to. Why, how ironic that would be! He masked his devilish intentions with kindness kindling. But the truth cannot be so rosy. For I had opened myself up for him to devour, but after his meal, all that was left was the wrapper of a woman. It was as if he allowed me into his island on his terms and now has sent me on my way in a wooden dingy to nowhere, floating in no-man's land.

Eventually I reached home, and I immediately knocked on Marina's door. I regretted waking her up, but I felt so emotionally numb after that experience that such concerns were not prominent in my mind.

"Kat, are you okay?" She groggily opened her door, running her hands through her hair.

"I was at Cameron's flat and we..." I couldn't finish the sentence in one go. "We hooked up and, it was awful."

"Awful?" She asked, embracing me as I threw my damaged self into her arms.

"I think I lost my virginity to him."

"You did what now?" her tone went more sombre as she continued her interrogation.

"We were just having fun, but I don't ever think I can face him again. I don't think I have ever been so embarrassed in my entire life."

"Oh Kat! It's okay, really. Did you enjoy it at least?"

"I enjoyed it too much."

"Really? Well that's good, I suppose"

"I just don't know how I am supposed to face him now. And god, what about Jacob? I don't want to know what will happen when he finds out." Marina just sat silently, trying to compute my latest debauchery.

She always talked about how Cameron, though charming in his own way, was not destined for monogamy and was incapable of respect. Now here I was, looking for a fantasy that didn't exist. I had this idea of him that I wanted. I had this idea that the first time we did those things, it would be sexy and lustful like in the films they indoctrinate us with at young ages. But this wasn't the case. I was the latest portrait in his portfolio of women he wanted to fuck and chuck. I slipped on a fantasy. Now I've been emotionally cut by this boy and the worst part? My darkest thought? Despite what happened between us, I still wanted him to do that to me again. But he would not. He just wanted his cake and he ate me out until I was emotionally sterile and morally filthy. I told Marina everything that had happened. I watched as she reacted with such little surprise. And after she tried to prevent my mind from spinning out about him, I dragged myself to my bed, where I stared up at the ceiling, feeling the tobacco aftertaste lingering in my mouth, and the sweet nothings he conned with me, suffocating any sense of reason in my mind.

Walking to my lecture that morning felt like a sermon on how to come to terms with being alone. I knew that wasn't it, though now that I had given him what he wanted, I doubted he would want seconds. But I was in such denial! That couldn't have been the end of our story. I was raised to be determined and this is no different. Why do they say, 'let the boys chase you'? If I want a boy, I will find a way to him. Besides, it's not any boy I want. It's Cameron Faustus. I had to remind myself of why I first felt attracted to him. The alternative aura, the deep respect for Placebo and the existential vibes that resonated with my own soul. And just because I've been moving around doesn't make me feel any less attracted to him. The others; they didn't challenge my emotions and electrify my heart. But Cameron. He was something else. His intimidating presence was a challenge I wanted to take on, and win.