The Things I Wish I Had Told You

Part 4.

I couldn't shake the aura of Cameron from my mind; flashbacks of last night kept flowing through me as I stood by the lights waiting to cross the road. I'm certain that I wasn't concentrating on anything in my lectures that day because of what had happened. What was perhaps more striking though was what hadn't happened. After a while I felt that I was being ridiculous thinking about him so much like this; I probably wouldn't see him for a while and even then, that night would be too far in the past to talk about again. But even so, I just kept replaying phrases he had said, trying to analyse any and every aspect of his perplexing personality. I could see how he could be friends with Jacob and the others, but I failed to understand why. He seemed to be a lot sharper than the rest of those stoners, why would he enjoy that company? I became sick of thinking of him, but at the same time, some part of me longed to see him again.

This is what it felt like to be confused I concluded. I wasn't sure why I felt the emotions I did, but I was certain they existed. For the first time in my life, I had engaged in a deep and uncoated conversation about my inner mental struggles with a guy. And for the first time, it occurred to me that I might have been developing feelings for such guy. There was nothing about Cameron that really attracted me the way fictional TV characters did. He was not dashing, he was not self-righteous, he was not a rich boy with a nice Batchelor pad. At the very minimum, he could not even be said to have a handsome personality. But still, there was something he had that I simply could not grasp. It was like an inner sensation that raged within me unable to be spelt out like word from an unused dictionary.

By the time I got home, Marina had just returned from her last lab session of the day. It was a pleasing change to see her warming smile, even after three hours of dissecting frogs. That was the first thing she rushed to tell me all about, although I was quick to move onto another topic because the thought of pulling apart another living for creature disgusted me on so many levels.

"By the way, what time did you get back last night?" She perceptively had to ask; irritatingly she hadn't forgotten about it.

"Relatively early I think. But then I don't think I actually got to sleep until around four" Just the thought of going to bed at four am had that expounding sensation of fatigue resurface.

"FOUR! Katherine, what on earth were you doing until four am?" I sensed some speculation coming on. "Wait, were you with a boy? I knew I heard another voice, but wasn't sure."

"No, no, it wasn't like that. But yes, I was with a friend."

"Fake news. Who was he? And for the record, no boy that is in your room until four am is just a friend! Were you two," she made a gesture, "you know?"

"Not at all! As I said, he's just a friend. We were honestly just chatting about life together."

"Right." Marina was wholly unconvinced of everything that had just splurged from my mouth. "You didn't answer my question though, who is he? Was it that Jacob guy you mentioned?"

"No, well, it's a long story. But he's one of Jacob's friends, I think." Of that fact, I actually could not be sure. The more I thought about it, I realised they might have had a mutual friend because I don't really think they are friends, "His name's Cameron though."

"Cameron, Cameron?" If she said his name again, I think I would actually have to leave because I really didn't want to hear her say it that many times and in such varying tones.

"I think I know him actually." She stopped to think to herself. "Cameron Faustus? Umber hair, thinks the world constantly owes him favours? Tries to dress like an emo band reject?"

The description fit him so perfectly, I hadn't noticed. I just nodded my head in agreement and chuckled a little. She began to chuckle thinking about him, I wanted to know why.

"Katherine, how did you land up with Cameron?" She her face was intensely puzzled as if she was trying to comprehend how two opposite characters from different backgrounds came into contact.

"We were going to the gig, but then he forgot his ID. By that point, I didn't really want to go anyway, so we walked home together."

"Course he did," Marina just rolled her eyes, unsurprised by what I had just said.

"Well, he certainly is a peculiar character. Do you like him?" That was forthcoming.

"No, I don't think so, he's really not my type." Why did that just feel like a lie, but there was some truth to it. I couldn't imagine being with Cameron. Sure, he is very attractive, but his personality is so bizarre, I don't think I could get past that. Besides, he only cares about himself, that is blatantly obvious.

"From what I know of Cameron, he is never with the same girl each time I see him. That said, I've never really heard of him being involved with anyone. He always just keeps to himself, broods a lot too I've noticed." She seemed sceptical of Cameron, I didn't really know what to make of her comments. How did Marina even know him? "But this was at school," there it is, "he's probably changed now. Especially since what happened to his family last summer." I was afraid to ask, it wasn't really my business, but perhaps it would help me understand him better.

"What happened?" I sensed it might have been something depressing, but wasn't certain until she told me that his father and younger brother had died. That was all she wanted to tell me and I didn't inquire further to get the whole story. After that unexpectedly depressing conversation, I retreated to my room.

Is this what made him so enigmatic? Cameron Faustus, a secret among locks and keys. I hated the thought that Marina might judge my interest in him. I didn't think that she would, but we haven't been friends long enough for me to rationally decide. I wanted to run into Cameron again, I wanted to delve deeper into the person he portrayed himself to be. But I'm not sure I'm mentally ready. What would this entail? What would come of a petty crush on someone I don't think knows how to love.

After my daily philosophical meditation, I felt drawn to my wardrobe to contemplate my sad excuse for taste in clothing. I don't quite know what it was, but something had inspired me to switch up my style a little. My oversized jumpers and baggy black jeans were getting a little tiring to wear every day. I also felt that they were worn out of desperation and laziness rather than for stylistic purposes. As I served through my shirts and dresses hanging up, I decided I would go for something more boho, closer to Marina's taste, but perhaps without the extensive collection of bell-bottoms. She always looks effortlessly stylish, meanwhile I always the same plain outfit. Tomorrow would be my debut I decided.