The Things I Wish I Had Told You

Part 11.

The weeks felt like they were flying by at this point in the term. Every second day felt like either Monday or Saturday and I found myself trying to find my footings with my friends and studies. Before I could believe it, Friday was upon us and we all knew what that meant. That weekend wasn't just an ordinary social weekend, it happened to be Jacob's birthday and he decided to organise a group together to go to a student rock club near Covent Garden. The plan was simple. Pre-drinks at his and Cameron's flat, then head out for a good time and rock n' roll until the meek hours of the next day. I felt like it was going to be a good night, I was confident it would be. Marina and Louise joined us that night, despite their avid dislike of anything that had more guitar riffs than Nirvana. When we turned up to their semi-derelict and smoke-infested flat, we were greeted by the eery, yet potent smell of the devil's lettuce.

A mildly drunk Jacob gave out sweaty, but affectionate hugs upon arrival. I noticed that for the first time he wasn't wearing his usual leather jacket, but a black and lime green bomber jacket that had the words 'die young' and a snake embroidered on the back. As I made my way to the table of drinks, I couldn't help but notice Jade perched on Cameron's lap while he took a gulp of his drink. The sight of the two of them repulsed me from the inside out. I really hoped they would have been a one shag wonder, not a routine display of affectionate profanity. She wore a tiny black piece of fabric, allegedly called a dress while he laid his hand smoothly around her waist. She laughed as Cameron and his insect friends made jokes and got high.

Among them was Elliot, who I wasn't expecting to see. I hadn't spoken to him since Louise's party. At that point, I still hadn't realised what he was looking for that night. He embraced me as he said hello and I retained my friendly approach to the greeting. I hadn't properly spoken to Elliot before that night. I had danced with him, but never had a conversation. I guess there was a reason for that. We didn't have much in common, apart from sharing a mutual appreciation for New York and modern art. I couldn't bear to see Cameron or engage in discourse with him, so I continued to be entertained by Elliot and his green scarf.

"We're heading out in Five. Get ready everyone!" Jacob yelled from above one of the dusty leather couches. As everyone scurried around, Cameron walked past me taking his final sip from that red cup and raised an eyebrow as if he were surprised to see me talking to someone mildly good-looking. I looked around for Louise and Marina to walk with them, but as usual Louise was off with Alec - I don't even think they made it to the club. And as for Marina, she was busy joking with Jacob about something or other. I had a momentary thought that they were flirting but alas, their relationship was purely platonic.

As we danced inside that sweaty box of a club, my head spun around in perfect sync with the disco ball above. I felt caught up in a cosmic whirl surrounded by sweaty vermin. And the music pumped louder and louder, I found myself unable to stop and think. The only brief thoughts that were prevalent were those of my own safety. I was completely oblivious to everyone else. I was past the stage of feeling inadequate among my friends or trying hard to fit in amongst society. It was in that drunken haze, that I felt his hand move through the throng of vermin. His soft hand, like the petals of a rose caught in a thorny bush. My mind was telling me to stop myself, that drop of sanity soon evaporated. I just wanted to dance and enjoy myself, but as he wrapped those rosy hands around me, I felt immobilised by whatever force was drawing us together. I only ran my hands around his jumper and just like that I felt his lips collide with mine - I expected an electric spark, but only received a tongue-led treatment. Even so, I didn't mind. I didn't really know what I should have expected other than to feel some sort of bond with this puppet of a human before me. A strange concept I should think. The idea that two sets of lips locking in with each other should be a sign of affection.

How bizarre? A rush of emotions and thoughts began to engulf me. That drop of sanity returned in time. I didn't realise it in that moment and the regret will shadow me for some time. But as he ran his hands down me, I felt alive. Only to stake that feeling by my own fear of the unknown. A fear that I've slowly been repressing, but not at that point. This is a mistake I cannot shake. I cannot forget. Because I didn't realise how special that opportunity was - how perfect strangers can find each other beneath the strobe lights. My emotions were not all there and if only they were might things have gone a different direction. After all I tried to uphold during my first weeks, this was the one thing I felt ready to do. Not to go all the way, but at least to start allowing myself to feel intimate and have some understanding of what all the teenage fuss was about. A feeling I fear I may never endure and experience again. A feeling that fell through my fingers like sand in an hourglass. These moments are so precious — if only I realised that at the time. If only I allowed myself to feel emotions for anyone other than him.