"There's a word I found recently. Evanescence. It made me think of you. It made me think of us. Were we just a dream, Sebastian?"
TW : Key themes of suicide and trauma.
WARNING: This is Book Two. Please read "affluenza" first to avoid any spoilers...
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DR. FRITZ HANDS me three stacks of Post-It notes. One stack is green, one red, and the other yellow. I stare up at her. "We doing arts and crafts today?" I deadpan and she smiles softly.
"Something like that," she says with a wink. "But for now, let's catch up. It's been almost two weeks since our last session. What's been going on?"
The first face to flash into my mind is Roman's disappointed eyes as he stared at me in the terminal last night. I blink the image away, instead staring down at the Post-It's and wringing my fingers. "Let me remind you that it's important to be honest, Braylen," Fritz murmurs, her tone soft. "I want to help you. But I can't do that without having all the information."
"There's a guy," I blurt. "I don't understand how I feel about him."
Dr. Fritz shows no surprise to my admission. "Go on."
I swallow hard and stare out the window. "He's...amazing. In the strangest way. I've never met anyone as kind as him. And for some stupid reason, he likes me," I say. "He must think he's a pretty shitty person to think he deserves someone as bad as me."
"Why do you think you're bad?" Fritz asks.
I glower at her. She knows how much I despise questions like that. Fritz chuckles and leans forward. "Okay, let's try that again. Why do you think he's good?"
I think hard for a moment. I wanted to get this right. I wanted her to know what I knew about Roman De Carlo because maybe then he'd make some sort of sense.
"I can tell he's been through a lot," I start slowly. "Maybe even worse than me. I have this theory. The world is going to fuck you up no matter what. In some sort of way, it's going to ruin you. We all handle it in one of two ways: we either become the evil that killed us, or we transform that evil into good. I know what side I'm on. I've always known. But when I look at him, all I can see is that good.
"I think he's felt pain, so he knows how to remedy it. He knows fear, so he knows how to make me feel safe. He knows loneliness, so he does his damn best to remind me that I'm not," I continue. "Selfless, kind, strong. He's all of that and more."
Dr. Fritz purses her lips together. She seems to be holding back words. I lean forward. "Remember our promise, to be honest?" I remind her.
She smiles. "It sounds to me like you might be falling for this man."
My heart sinks straight to my stomach. I sit back, folding my hands onto my lap. "I'm not," I mutter, voice shaking. "Roman knows I can't do that."
"Why not?" Fritz asks.
I continue staring down at my hands and she sighs after a moment, quickly realizing I'm not planning on answering. "Do you think you punish yourself, Braylen? Do you think that you deny yourself of the things you want because you feel you don't deserve them?"
