A Secret Man of Blood

Chapter Six

"Do you think our visit is business or pleasure?" Anya asks, reclining in a luxurious seat in the House of Keys

"The emperor doesn't ask you for a drink because he thinks you might be thirsty," Squad jokes, watching the door.

"Shame," Anya smiles and sits up.

Sig bursts through the door, excited, and runs up to Anya. "They're not even selling drugs in the toilet! That's how classy this place is!"

Squad laughs and meets Anya's gaze as she looks at him. In many ways, it feels as if they've become parents to a horny dwarf man-child who's constantly amazed or appalled at everything, and is older than either of them. He leans over and taps Sig on the shoulder. "Now, Sig, before we meet the emperor, I think we should work on your people skills."

"Shut up, human." Sig laughs. "Kidding! I love you so much I want my dick and your dick to do a high-five."

Sig leaps, crotch-first into Squad's side. Squad turns and looks Sig in the eye. "That's exactly the type of thing we should avoid in front of the emperor."

Anya nods. "I'm still scarred by what happened in the hotel in Kalendis...

*

Anya and Squad are sitting in a hotel room, minding their own business, when the door opens and Sig enters in his underwear with a massive erection, holding some things in his arms. He looks up, sees them and freezes.

"Oh, I didn't think anyone would be in here – er, I mean I've brought you guys some granny porn and a box of tissues."

*

"...The most disturbing thing," Squad adds, shaking his head, "is that he knew we were all booked in the same room."

Sig shakes his head disapprovingly as if talking about someone else's behaviour. "I guess, like some other master criminals, I wanted to be caught."

"But it's alright," Squad adds, "because the sedatives I added to his morning vodka should be kicking in right about...now."

"How very clever of you," Anya smiles.

"You told me to."

"How very clever of me."

A triumphal gleam enters Sig's eyes. "Predicting your scheme, I countered it by adding a great deal of uppers, blue dust, blow and acid to my mid-morning absinthe. I don't think this should have any disastrous psychological side-effects—"

Sig collapses in a chair, does a frantic little spasm and then recovers his poise. "What happened there?" Squad asks.

"Nothing," Sig replies. "I just like to get weird sometimes." Sig scratches his beard as if contemplating a confidence. "Look, I don't want to make a big deal out of it, but technically the combination of drugs and alcohol I've taken should be fatal in 103% of cases, but I'm not worried. Everyone knows chemistry isn't an exact science."

"Yes, it is!" Anya replies.

"Oh, God!" Sig cries.

"Go sit in the corner and try not to die," chides Squad.

"You're just like my mother...in many ways," Sig replies, curling up in an armchair to keep the world from falling over.

Worried, Anya whispers to Squad. "Doesn't blue dust drive people insane and horny?"

Overhearing her, Sig replies. "Yeah, but I've been sane and horny for a while now, so a change will be good."

Drumming footsteps in the corridor suggests a large group heading their way. The door opens and several secret service agents scan the room, both magically and physically. Satisfied that it's safe, they form a corridor through which Brigham Clay, Emperor of the Samarian Empire, wheels himself.