A Secret Man of Blood

Bonus Material: Sig Speaks 8

Author's note: this is a bonus chapter, written with amusement in mind, and is not an actual continuation of the story. When it comes to competitions or awards, chapters labelled "Bonus Material" should not be judged as part of the story. Thanks for reading.

***

"...So why did we fill out those personality assessment forms?" Gary asks Sig.

"It's for a woman I'm dating who's part of the psychology department at the university—and, yes, I think it's ironic that she's clearly into damaged goods despite being a psychologist," Sig quickly adds, seeing Gary's expression, who nods as if this is exactly what he was thinking while the Dwarf continues. "This is part of her research. Also, I tailored my responses to make me seem more mature and desirable to her. For example, at the bottom I signed it Sig – but I turned the S into a lightning bolt, to give the impression of intelligence."

"I took it much more seriously," Gary assures him. "...I filled out the first part as Gandhi and the second part as Hitler. My goal was that they might cancel each other out and create a state I call, 'maximum sanity'"

"Did they?"

"Short answer: no. Long answer: nooooooooo!"

"Maybe I should have tried something like that myself," Sig smiles.

"I don't know. Imagination isn't always your strong point. Remember we tried that improvisation class?"

*

Gary and a group of other attendees are seated in a theatre, waiting for Sig's performance, when the Dwarf jumps out dressed as some kind of shaman guide from between props representing a jungle, dramatically declaring.

"Welcome! To the forest...of trees."

*

"I still think The Forest of Trees is a good name," Sig argues.

"It was your worst job since you got sacked from being a chef," Gary tells Sig.

"I still don't understand why the restaurant let me go."

"You broke into an egg with your teeth! Like some sort of bizarre egg vampire. In front of the customers!"

"You wouldn't believe the drive-by ass chewing I received for such a simple gesture—"

"I would."

"Besides," Sig continues. "I have other qualities that make me an ideal employee—I'm incredibly absorbent."

"I don't even want to know what you mean by that."

"And I'm medically trained..."

*

A nervous-looking man shuffles into an office, where Sig sits at a desk painting his nails while dressed in a doctor's coat. Taking a seat, the man looks up expectantly as Sig carries on painting his nails, coughing to try and get the "doctor's" attention. Sig ignores him.

Eventually, the man leans forward and anxiously asks. "Did my test results come back, doc?"

Sig blows on his nails and looks up absent-mindedly, clearly with no idea who the man is. "Sure...you got an A."

*

"How the heck did you end up as a doctor?" Gary asks.

"Long story short: I filled out a form incorrectly and, instead of confessing, styled it out for several years." He shakes his head. "You pretend to be a doctor, cause some minor deaths and they call you an asshole: and that's the game. How was I supposed to know randomly prescribing medications was dangerous? I'm no Nostradamus."

"You're a victim of your own victimisation of others," Gary nods.

"I felt like I'd been kicked in the nuts—I hadn't, though...I would've noticed that. I'm a doctor."

"You know what always cheers me up?" Gary asks. "Sometimes—SPONTANEOUS WORLD-BUILDING EXPOSITION!"

"No—I mean yay," Sig begins, quickly correcting himself.

"Today I'm going to talk about Strathbrook University of Magic and Science, which is located in the Samarian capital of Blitz. It's almost a separate entity of forty thousand people within the wider ten million population of Blitz. Built on the site of ancient ruins that predate the Emergence of the Elves but which are shrouded in mystery, Strathbrook is the most esteemed magical institution in the Samarian Empire and perhaps the greatest repository of magical thought and talent in the known world.

"It's a bit like Hogwarts on steroids basically, with different races, dark conspiracies and beautiful magics around every corner. It's also where Indigo Fitzwallis works when he's not galivanting around the world with Squad and the gang—"

"Sig and the gang," Sig corrects.

"You're right, sorry...Anya and the gang."

"You difficult bastard."

"Anyway, at twenty-one-years-old Indigo was the youngest human professor at Strathbrook for several centuries when he was appointed five years before A Secret Man of Blood begins. He is/was a professor of Theoretical Magic (sometimes called Experimental Magic or Fringe Magic) but other major departments include Combat and Defensive Magic, Enchantment, Healing, Protective Magic and Barriers, Alchemy, Transfiguration, Summoning, Curses, Runes and Dispelling. Dart arts like necromancy are also sometimes studied, but only in very specific, controlled experiments because to actually study them as subjects would be illegal."

"I don't condone breaking the law...unless you want to, of course," Sig advises.

"Sometimes you've just got to be brave and take a moral stand, I guess," Gary smiles. "Anyway, I've got a question for the reader: I'm looking for some new books to read over the summer, so which novels/series have most impressed you with their world-building?"