A Secret Man of Blood

Bonus Material: Sig Speaks 4

Author's note: this is a bonus chapter, written with amusement in mind, and is not an actual continuation of the story. When it comes to competitions or awards, chapters labelled "Bonus Material" should not be judged as part of the story. Thanks for reading.

***

As Gary leaves his house, Sig leaps out yelling.

"Happy birthday!" Adding after a brief pause. "...Is an inappropriate way to start a conversation when it's not the person's birthday."

"Sig, what a coincidence to see you...in this place you know I live."

Sig throws his arms wide to show off his shiny new waistcoat. "What do you think?"

The flickering of an irreverent smile shows on Gary's features. "Wow...I really 'dig' your 'threads.'"

"How do you manage to stay so contemporary?" Sig sarcastically asks.

"I'm being asked the question by a guy wearing—that!? What's your Native American name: Friend of Magpies?"

"Look, we can argue about whose fashion sense is worse later—it's yours, by the way— but right now I need your help. I've met someone from your world and I'm going to get her a gift. I need to know the type of clothes women like—"

"Women's clothes." Gary quickly answers. "Look, every time we discuss something like this it always ends in some sort of perverse—"

"I know! I know I've done weird things in the past," Sig insists. "But I'm a changed man: I've done a complete 360."

"...You mean a 180?"

"Is that like a 69 or something?" Sig asks excitedly, then calls as Gary walks away. "Wait! Wait! WAIT! I'm sorry, come back. I'm serious. I'm thinking about marrying this woman."

Realisation slowly appears on Gary's face. "Wait a minute. This doesn't have anything to do with your ex-girlfriend getting married?"

"You're right – it has nothing to do with that," Sig intercepts, a little too quickly.

"Oh my god! It is to do with that!"

Despite realising the game is up, Sig protests with false cheer. "It isn't. I just spontaneously met someone and decided to get married too. What a hearty coincidence! I love hearty coincidences! My life is brilliant and isn't a dead ditch full of misery and despair, and I couldn't be happier about my ex-girlfriend's marriage. I even got them a marriage gift: a magnifying glass to help her find his penis. I'm not bitter about it. I'm fine...I'm fine...I'm fiiiine."

"...I can see that." Gary replies.

"I even changed the first line of my dating profile to: 'MY EX IS GETTING MARRIED AND I'M SOOOOO HAPPY FOR HER! I'M SINGLE AND READY FOR SOME EYE-POPPING ANAL!'

"...And watch the offers come flooding in." Gary thinks for a moment. "Actually, it's the internet, so they probably will. Anyway, we need to talk about Book 2."

"Oh, go on then," Sig relents.

"Some of the action will take place in the New World, with its disparate races and climates. There are many nations there, most of them predating the arrival of humans just over a thousand years ago, in events roughly analogous to the European discovery of the Americas. One major difference is the five-hundred-year gap in this world between when the colonist's arrived and the new continent's discovery by the rest of the Old World—which believed the massive, multi-national exploratory fleet was lost when it failed to discover the proposed new landmass.

"When the Old World finally discovered the New, six-hundred years before A Secret Man of Blood, an independent, powerful nation had already risen from the colony fleet, composed mostly of the descendants of human settlers from various nations mixed with New World inhabitants, to create a multi-racial society. A "technology" jump (technology being shorthand for magic in most instances) occurred when the Samarian Empire rose to become the dominant world power, which was what allowed the discovery of the New World by the wider international community. The technological advancement came in two major areas: the discovery of Kelpies, a benevolent race of shapeshifters who basically function as high-speed rail travel, and the magical properties of Runestone, a mined resource which allow magically-adapted sailing ships to travel at eighty miles an hour.

"The original colonisation fleet could only travel at the speed of normal sailing ships, albeit aided by artificial winds summoned by onboard mages, and this limitation also applied to the search craft sent out to look for them, which is why the new continent was only discovered when fresh technologies became available. The nation which emerged in the New World is a ruthless, driven capitalist society, possessing no monarchy but instead dominated by powerful institutions, like the Assassins Guild—"

"And breathe," Sig interrupts. "Tell you what: let's go grab a coffee and I'll tell you about the new home improvement series I'm presenting..."

*

Standing in a house which is undergoing extensive reconstruction, Sig looks down the camera as he's questioned by an off-screen interviewer.

"So, Sig, what have you done today?"

"I've knocked down the wall between the kitchen and the dining room," Sig proudly declares.

"What about all the people who were in the kitchen?"

"Erm..."

*

"I think the building trade will suit you," Gary smiles. "Because I hear you're a real homewrecker."

"Hey!" Sig complains. "I'm strong and I'm loyal." They look at each other. "...Well, I'm strong. I'm just looking for the right person."

"...When, all along, you should have been looking for the right psychiatrist. By the way, any news about that other thing?"

"What other thing?"

"Whether or not waistcoats are back in fashion yet."

Pointing at Gary, Sig issues a fake hearty laugh. "I like how you've mixed humour and fashion illiteracy to come up with your own blend of stupid." He gives a thumbs-up and a wink. "Good job!"

"I need to ask the reader a question now, so if you could—"

"Oh, no! I'm not moving from this spot," Sig insists. "None of your mental manipulations are going to work on me!"

"I bet you can't headbutt that tree," says Gary, pointing into the distance.

"OH, YEAAAH?" Sig cries, charging at the horizon like Don Quixote.

"I was wondering what some of your favourite comedy movies and TV series are? For a movie I'd probably pick Monty Python and the Holy Grail, and for TV series I'd say either The Thick of It or Brass Eye."