A Secret Man of Blood

Bonus Material: Sig Speaks 9

Author's note: this is a bonus chapter, written with amusement in mind, and is not an actual continuation of the story. When it comes to competitions or awards, chapters labelled "Bonus Material" should not be judged as part of the story. Thanks for reading.

***

Helping a friend to decorate, Gary paints a wall as Sig walks in holding a big section of wood. "That's a massive plank...and he's holding a piece of wood," Gary jokes.

"Ha-ha-ha!" Sig titters sarcastically, dropping the wood on the floor. "I'll have you know I'm very spiritual. I recently spent an entire week worshipping my own body."

"Is that what they call it these days?" Gary replies, hinting that he wants Sig's help. "I've got another brush here, if—"

"You want to decorate with both hands? Good."

"You're a real Samaritan," Gary says, shaking his head with a resigned smile.

"I have no idea what that means, but I don't always get your references to Earth culture. Remember that dare you had me do..."

*

Sig runs naked through dark streets, giggling and shouting. "COLDPLAY IS THE POETRY OF THE STREETS! I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THAT MEANS!"

*

"To be honest, any dare was preferable to hearing another one of your truths," Gary confesses.

"I am who I am," Sig declares. "A leopard can't change its tune mid-flight."

"...I can see why that might be difficult for it. Anyway," Gary adds, pointing to the unpainted wall opposite. "I've drawn up a little timeline to help establish some basic dates in the A Secret Man of Blood world."

Sig reads the message hastily scrawled on the wall opposite. "Wow...the wall of crazy. It's like a lunatic has been given his own art programme. By the way, you are aware you've used your friend's decorating materials to draw it, on his wall? He'll crap a dead cat when he sees this."

"I'll paint over it afterwards! I have thought all this through, you know," Gary responds.

Sig shakes his head. "I don't know. It seems like you did it without thinking and are now trying to style it out: it's like walking into a wall, then standing up claiming you've just returned from the Hogwarts Express."

"Don't mention the Hogwarts Express: I'm still disappointed I didn't get a letter from Hogwarts when I turned eleven. It was my life's ambition up to that point."

"Which contrasts with my life's ambition—" Sig begins.

"To die alone, upside down on the floor of a pub toilet?"

"Yep. Anyway," Sig says, indicating the hastily-scrawled text. "What have we got here?"

Gary points. "BC stands for Before Cataclysm, an event which happened seven thousand years before the beginning of A Secret Man of Blood. The "present year" is 7,000 AC, I.E., seven thousand years After Cataclysm and, as you can see, this timeline begins in 100,000 BC..."

100,000 BC: The time of many competing Elder Races, including the Scrovengi

80,000 BC: The emergence of the Roenan

27,000 BC: The emergence of the Orcs

26,000 BC: The arrival of the Elves from another world

15,000 BC: The emergence of the Dwarves, one of the first of the New Races and the first to be included in this truncated timeline

10,000 BC: The emergence of humans

"You're going to look crazy if anyone sees you've drawn a fictional timeline on the wall," Sig advises.

"...That's probably true," Gary agrees. "Quick, grab a brush and help me paint over it before anyone comes back."

"No can do: I've just got my nails the way I want them," Sig replies.

A brush in each hand, Gary hurriedly paints, cautioning the Dwarf. "The next time you need help—forget it."

Sig sighs and checks his nails. "Look, it's not my fault I'm beautiful." They look at each other. "...What? Confidence is half the battle."

"It's the less important half," Gary jokes.

"Fuck you very much," Sig smiles, indicating the half-covered drawing. "It sounds like your mates are coming back. You better get painting, fast!"

Frantically trying to cover the timeline, Gary paints with two brushes while laughing at his situation. "Maybe I could use my foot to paint..."

Sig nods as if this is a reasonable idea, adding in a genuinely philosophical tone. "The foot is the hand of the leg."

Despite needing to hurry, Gary pauses to think about this. "...I don't know whether that's the dumbest or the smartest thing I've ever heard." At the sound of approaching footsteps, he quickly adds. "Sig, I need you to go and buy me some time. Tell them whatever you need to, just delay them: make something up, if you need to."

Clapping his hands together, Sig points at Gary and adds with a wink. "I've got this, buddy." Rubbing his hands together gleefully, he declares. "Time for some man-on-man manipulation!" As Gary giggles, Sig quickly adds. "...Oh, grow up!"

After they've finished decorating, Gary and Sig walk down the street discussing how Sig saved the day with his distraction. "...I just don't understand why you had to be naked, covered in grease and holding a large fish," Gary says.

"I was trying to help," Sig argues. "It's the thought that counts."

"It's the thought I'm worried about." Gary whispers. "Anyway, thanks. I assume that's the first nice thing you've ever done in your life. How did it feel?"

"Like a magical journey I never want to end," Sig says, rolling his eyes.

"Well...the journey has ended. We've completed the mandatory number of bonus chapters and—"

Sig is already running down the street. "I'm free! Freeeeee!"

Gary laughs and shouts after him. "I'll see you in Book Two! And, if you're ever passing by this way again, feel free to look me up."

Turning, Sig nods. "Thanks, man. And if you're ever passing by my way—keep going: no visitors allowed!" He smiles at Gary and looks around one last time. "I'm heading to a warmer climate."

"Hell will be glad to have you...until they kick you out for being too rowdy and perverted." Gary turns to the reader. "That's it for the bonus chapters of Book One—thank you very much for reading. I was wondering what the line-up would be if the characters from my story were to form a band (conclusion: Anya on vocals, Squad on guitar, Indigo on keyboard, and Sig on cocaine and booze) and I was wondering which (if any) instruments you guys play? Maybe you can even sing, which I definitely can't. What kind of music are you into and who are some of your favourite artists?