A Secret Man of Blood

Bonus Material: Sig Speaks 2

Author's note: this is a bonus chapter, written with amusement in mind, and is not an actual continuation of the story. When it comes to competitions or awards, chapters labelled "Bonus Material" should not be judged as part of the story. Thanks for reading.

***

In the aisle of a busy clothing shop, Gary and Sig debate the relative merits of their fashion styles, the Dwarf emphasising.

"...And I was voted Best Dressed five years in a row!"

"By a ratings system whose methodology should not be looked at too closely."

"That's true—but still." Picking up two jackets, Sig holds them up to show what they look like on him.

"They're both nice," Gary nods.

"Yes, but which one is going to make me look virile and intelligent?"

"Well, neither—they're both just jackets."

"Ooooh, look at Mr Bitchy Claws!"

"Professor Bitchy Claws, actually. Anyway, we're supposed to be doing an interview about what influenced the writing of A Secret Man of Blood."

"Too much free time? Over-exposure to a culture saturated with violence and pornography?"

Gary points a warning finger. "Hey! I'm a 90s kid and resent any association with ultra-modern culture. Young people these days are exposed to hardcore pornography everywhere they look: in films, the internet, TV shows, and, most of all, in hardcore pornography."

A smile flickering on his face, Sig cautions. "I don't think most readers will appreciate that type of smartarsed, flippant, dickhead-ish humour—but feel free to sprinkle examples of it throughout the story."

"Already did."

"I know."

Subtly handing Sig a piece of paper, Gary indicates it. "I think you had a question you wanted to ask me."

Sig doesn't even look at the paper. "Nope."

"Ask the question!"

Sighing heavily, Sig glances at the paper. "Fine! But I do this under duress." He bats his eyelids, cocks his head to the side and puts on a girlish voice: "What were your influences when writing the story?" he asks, adding a little giggle at the end. "He-he!"

"Thank you for that completely impromptu question—"

"I want my money."

"Shh! Later!" Gary whispers. "Anyway, when I was a kid there were two big influences on me: Harry Potter and The Lord of the Rings. Two tiny series that no one else has ever heard of but which touched me deeply. If only they had more media exposure, they might not have been lost to the obscurity of time...we'll never know what might have been."

Sig nods sagely. "Of course, you know I was a member of the original fellowship..."

*

A sooty dark night covers Hobbiton as Sig returns to his hobbit-hole after a particularly heavy party. Opening the door, he senses something isn't right but continues inside, where Gandalf the wizard looms out of the dark and grabs his shoulder.

"Is it secret!? Is it safe!?"

"For fuck's sake, Gandalf!" Sig replies, jumping out of his skin. "You have the weirdest foreplay of anyone I've ever met."

"Where is the ring!?" Gandalf pants.

"Oh, that's very romantic!" Sig complains, bending over.

"The Ring of Power, Sig!"

"Ah...that," Sig says, straightening back up again when he realises this isn't a sexual thing.

"It must be shielded from the enemy. We must never let it out of our sight—"

"...I left it in a stripper's thong."

After a quick roundtrip to the strip club and back, Gandalf throws the Ring of Power into the fireplace. Sig, thinking he'd dropped it in accidentally, rolls his eyes. "Well done, wank hands!"

Plucking the ring out with tongs, Gandalf reads the inscription. "Three rings for the elves under the sky. Seven for the dwarf lords in their halls of stone. Nine for the mortal men doomed to die. One for the dark lord on his dark throne—"

"It's a bit weird that Sauron has basically written himself a receipt that rhymes. Is nobody in the entire series going to question this? It seems not, because they're all like: 'Oh, look, that crazy guy's rhyming and giving away jewellery again. Should we avoid him? No! Let's be his best friends until he betrays us!'"

Somehow unperturbed, Gandalf continues reading.

"One ring to rule them all.

One ring to find them.

One ring to bring them all, and in the darkness bind them."

Sig's eyes light up with the glow of inspiration. "Holy shit! I've been trying to come up with a slogan for my friend's gay nightclub, and you've just given me an idea." Sig clears his throat:

"One club to meet the men.

One club to find them.

One club to kiss the men, and in the darkness grind them."

*

"Did you enjoy your time in the Fellowship?" Gary asks.

"It was wonderful. The magic only ended when I was ordered to leave and never contact them again. I think they ended up replacing me with a guy called Fredo or Smeagol...or whatever his name was—ridiculous decision!"

"So, Sig, we're nearing the end of this segment and I thought I'd give you the chance to ask me any question you want. Feel free to make it as highbrow as you li—"

"What's the worst chat-up line you've ever heard?"

Gary smiles as he's thinking. "Now, keep in mind that this is the worst I've ever heard."

Sig nods. "I understand. I'm not going to hold it against you."

"Because I don't want you telling people that I've actually used this line."

"No, no, no—of course not," Sig politely assures. "Please continue."

"Okay, well, revisiting the Harry Potter theme from earlier, the line is: 'I hope you're a Harry Potter fan, because I'd like to slither in to your DMs.' There's an awkward silence. "Slytherin...slither in. It's a bad pun—and using the word slither when flirting is never a great idea."

Sig nods understandingly, then immediately runs across the shop screaming at the top of his lungs. "THIS GUY'S A PERVERT! YOU'LL NEVER BELIEVE WHAT HE'S GOING AROUND SAYING TO PEOPLE!"

"It's a misunderstanding!" Gary assures shocked onlookers. "He's a very troubled man," he adds, sprinting after the Dwarf.

"NOW HE'S CHASING ME FOR HIS DEVIANT PLEASURES!" Sig shouts over his shoulder, with a mischievous smile. "HE WANTS TO MAKE ME EAT A LOLLIPOP FROM HIS HANDS AND CALL HIM THE CAPTAIN!"

"What?! I don't have any lollipops!"

"HE'S GIVEN AWAY ALL HIS LOLLIPOPS! LOOK OUT—HE MIGHT HAVE SLIPPED ONE IN YOUR POCKET!"

Gary stops chasing after Sig and turns to the reader. "I've got to catch Sig, but firstly: what are the worst (or best, for the optimists out there) chat-up lines you've ever heard? Also, what ways do you use to find stories on Wattpad?"