the 1 | chaennie

18. State Of Grace

So you were never a saint
And I've loved in shades of wrong
We learn to live with the pain
Mosaic broken hearts
But this love is brave and wild

I never
Saw you coming
And I'll never be the same

This is a state of grace
This is the worthwhile fight
Love is a ruthless game
Unless you play it good and right
These are the hands of fate
You're my Achilles heel
This is the golden age of something good and right and real

-

"Obviously, at that point we were convinced that we'd make it work this time. We worked so hard at it. Even an hour stolen together when I was in Miami for a talk show was precious time to us. It was harder, being on a North American leg, because so much of my time was spent on a tour bus, and I couldn't go anywhere. I'd be sitting on my bunk, Facetiming her before shows and then going on stage that night and singing all those songs I'd written about her. There was something so ... relieving, I suppose, about singing those hard songs, knowing that things had changed since I'd written them. At the start of the tour, I'd be trying so hard not to cry on stage, and I did cry, more than once, but on the third leg ... I was happy. I was singing songs about heartbreak and I was more in love than ever."

"This distance wasn't a problem?"

"It was. It's always problem, but that doesn't mean it has to ruin things. It just taught us how to miss each other, how to communicate better and put our trust in our commitment to each other. The first time, distance was the thing that did ruin us, but the second time around, we didn't take the easy way out. We figured out how to make it work. "

"Of course, there are a lot of celebrity couples that do make it work, but I'm assuming there were a few extra barriers for you. Especially keeping it a secret."

Rosie laughed, giving her an exasperated look, "it was the hardest thing in the world. When you love someone, you don't want to be afraid to love them, and we had to be. We had people on both sides telling us that the moment we slipped up, our careers would be over. I think that was more so on my side, and Jennie wasn't as strict about keeping it a secret as I was. When we got back together, I actually kept it from my team for a while, just so I didn't have to go through all of that panic again. Love is never easy, but it's even harder when you have people instilling that kind of fear in you, especially at such a young age. It was almost like they were trying to convince me that my feelings weren't real."

"How did that feel?"

"It made me feel awful the first time around like I was pretending, and that made me embarrassed because I thought it was all so real and they were telling me it was a phase. But of course, real love happens, and it's not just something we make up when we're nine. I had to believe that, and so I loved her anyway. I realised that as much of myself as I put into my music, no one else really had any clue how I was feeling. It just made it easier to love her without all of their rules, and it was difficult enough being on tour for so long."

-

At the end of May, Rosie went back on tour. The past few weeks had been a rose-coloured dream with Jennie, just the two of them in the privacy of Rosie's estate, making up for lost time. In so many ways, it was like Jennie had always been there, but there were moments where it was glaringly uncomfortable to be reminded of it.

The first time was when Rosie had bought almond milk for her, only for Jennie to tell her that she'd given up on being vegan. She'd given Rosie a sheepish look full of apology and Rosie had laughed it off, with a small twinge in her heart, the ghost of her heartbreak being gently reminded of the cracks that had mended in a messy mosaic of broken pieces. She'd learnt to live with the aching over the past few months, but there was a part of her that didn't think she'd ever be the same because of it. And it wasn't that she blamed Jennie either. It wouldn't have been fair to blame her for her imperfections, and Rosie was okay with the fact that she'd given her heart to someone flawed, and chose to love her anyway. In her opinion, loving Jennie was a worthwhile fight, because it felt so right and she'd never felt anything more real, and she didn't need Jennie to apologise over and over again to know that she regretted her decision.