the 1 | chaennie

43. I Wish You Would

It's 2 A.M. in my room
Headlights pass the window pane I think of you

We're a crooked love
In a straight line down
Makes you wanna run and hide
Then it makes you turn right back around

I wish you would come back
Wish I'd never hung up the phone like I did
I wish you knew that
I'd never forget you as long as I'd live

And I wish you were right here, right now It's all good
I wish you would

-

"I should be clear though, I did make the right decision. I miss her every day and I hate that I had to make that decision, but even in the best-case scenario at that time, even backed by the support of our teams and our families, I don't think I was ready to get married. I hated hurting her, and I hated losing her, but I know, deep down, I couldn't have given her what she wanted. So yes, I regretted it, and I always have, but I know I could never have made any other choice."

"If you could go back and do things differently now, would you?"

A faint smile played on Rosie's lips as she ran her hands over the thighs of her jeans and shook her head. Guilt clawed at her throat and she was silent for a moment, trying to gather her thoughts before she replied.

"No. I mean, sure, there are things that I would change, things that I'd smooth over a little better, try and save us so much heartbreak and pain. But it would still be the same answer, and that is something I'll never bring myself to regret. I've always known my own mind, and half of the struggle has always been people trying to rein me in and dissuade me from running headfirst into problems of my own devising, so I know that I did make the right decision. And so did Jennie. I don't begrudge her her choice of leaving me."

Surprise flitted across Nayeon's face as she shifted to the edge of her seat, leaning on the arm of her chair as she gave Rosie a look of intrigue, brown eyes brimming with questions and confusion.

"You don't?"

"I think," Rosie slowly replied, a slight crease between her brows as she chewed the inside of her lip, "it was a situation that neither of us were wrong in, and neither of us were right. It was just- it's one of those things that just is. I was allowed to be honest and say no, and she was allowed to be hurt by that honesty and leave. It didn't make it hurt any less, obviously."

Rosie let out a strained laugh, coloured with pain and gave Nayeon a rueful smile.

"But I don't think either of us were to blame, really. You can't make someone commit to something like this if they're not ready, and you can't stay with someone who's not committed to you just to save their feelings. I wish that I could've said otherwise, but at that time in my life I really didn't see an out for us. It was like I was so fixated on the moment out of fear of worrying about the past, and all those times she'd left before, and fear of the steps we'd inevitably have to take in the future to live openly together as a couple, that I just ... didn't think about it at all. And it wasn't that I didn't see a future with Jennie; I didn't see a future where I was with anyone at all. It was lonely and isolated but that was just my reality."

"Has that changed for you now? In hindsight. With time. Did finally closing the book on that chapter help give you a little bit of perspective about the direction of your life?"

"Definitely," Rosie agreed, "but we didn't really close the book. It was just the end. The third ending of my story."

"And with every ending comes a new beginning."