Loving JJ

Issac

I did not enjoy sleeping next to Sacha for the most part but the feeling of someone next to me was comforting.

I was, however, left with a feeling of pure guilt the minute Sacha lay down next to me.

I felt like I was betraying Issac, my ex, well not really, by sleeping next to Sacha.

It's why, late at night, I woke up crying.

"Jolie?" Sacha called out as he turned on the bedside lamp to see me leaned against the walls balling my eyes out. "What's wrong?"

I struggle to breathe as I say it but it comes out eventually. "I... miss... Issac." I breathe out as I cry into my knees.

"Issac? Issac Denvers?" He asks and I nod.

"Why?" He asks and I look at him.

"Issac, was my boyfriend before he... before he... before he passed." I cry even harder. "Didn't you know that?"

"I didn't, I'm sorry." He says as he pats my shoulder. "What made you miss him so much?"

"I feel horrible, how could I even lay down next to you when Issac and I didn't even get one last hug?" I sniffle as I say it, remembering how we had left school in a rush and I had just given him a quick wave as he jumped onto his motorcycle and I went into my car.

Not even 10 minutes later, I get a tear filled call on the way to work and it was horrible.

"So you guys made a lot of memories huh?" He asks and I nod.

"He was the only person who made me enjoy coming to school." I say as I think about all the times he made the pain hurt a little less and my heart a little less cold.

"I know it's not the same but Anya was the love of my life for years when we were younger. It felt like a whole loss when she changed. It's like high school just ruined us and I know that maybe we ruined it ourselves by creating that distance but Anya didn't need to be the way she was and to be honest, to be frank with myself, I didn't need to be how I was when I was in high school. I didn't treat people well enough and certainly not you. You didn't deserve me being so mean to you when you first joined, I guess I was hostile, I didn't realise you and Manon had fallen apart." He says and I nod.

"It's okay-" I start but he stops me.

"No, it's not. That's not how I was raised and you know that. My parents always told me to be kind to those who deserve it and trust me Jolie, you deserve it. I know you must miss Issac so much. I know it. It's been a year since he passed so maybe, he'd be fine with you moving on in some aspects of your life." He says and I think about it and maybe he's right but I still feel bad but before I ever get a chance to speak he stops me.

"I know you're going to say you feel bad and that's fair enough but he clearly loved you if you love him so much so he wouldn't want you to be sad about him, maybe, he'd be fine with you starting to go out more and find some new friends and enjoy your life?" He is right but I don't want to believe it.

"Did you ever tell him about anything? Like, your family, about you know you're mental health? About me?" He asks and I feel sort of confused.

What would I've told Issac about Sacha?

I shake my head. "I don't know what his reaction would have been, one his flaws was that he was so against the idea of people being depressed. He just didn't get it." He says and Sacha's face seems to become briefly again.

"How did you cope?" He asks and I shake my head. "You didn't cope?" I nod.

He pulls me in for a hug which is surprisingly comforting and when he pulls away, I see the tears in his eyes.

"What's wrong?" I feel bad now.

"It's not you who's made me upset. I'm angry and upset with myself, I'm disappointed with myself. I just let you go. I betrayed you after I took care you and made you think that I was a friend which I was trying to be but it was so horrible of me to do what I did. I'm sorry, I'm really sorry JJ." The JJ rattles my breath but I climb over him and get a tissue from my draw and give it to him. He wipes his tears and I get up to leave but he grabs my wrist before I can go.

"Please JJ, stay with me." He says and I agree, maybe I needed to feel the comfort of another's presence next to me or maybe it was because it was Sacha that I stayed.