Loving JJ

Welcome in

It had literally been years since I spoke to Sacha and maybe not so long since I last thought about him but still.

Today I was reminded of him when I saw him and he was still trying to get me to see the children. There were more now and I was just disgusted at this point as they were breeding as if they were cattle.

My mental health had only taken a turn for the worst and while I an amazing best friend to support me and amazing family and friends, River insisted I find more friends.

I stood at the door of my apartment, waiting to meet my new roommate. It's not like I couldn't afford it, I was just desperate to have a friend now.

When there is a knock on the door I open it without hesitation and don't check and when I see Sacha, I am visibly disappointed.

I should've known but I did ask JC if it could be someone I knew.

"Not even a smile?" He says as he hails his stuff in.

"I don't owe you shit." I say as I kiss my teeth to curb my annoyance and just silently show him his room.

He had the bigger room as I hated it. I was scared alone and the bigger room made it worse and my nightmares were terrible as I was so terrified.

I hated being alone and yet that's all I was, so incredibly alone.

"Why is your room smaller?" He asks and I respond with a lie.

"I get the big one too messy." It's sort of true but really I was scared of the dark and obviously this didn't help my nightmares.

He moves in the rest of his stuff over the course of the day and I make us dinner and eat it away from him as I've not eaten with someone since I finished University.

I missed everyone sometimes but that was my own fault, Rory was pregant and was constantly inviting me around but I felt as though I was infringing. JT and JC were now in Alaska with their boyfriend and girlfriend. Mia was pregant, as was Valentina and Scarlett, who now was ready to go by Scarlett and not Sylvia once again. Brea and Finneas had gone to Ireland. River was doing some missionary work alongside Elijah, against her will and AJ and I hung out occasionally but really it was me, I was the one who was distancing myself.

I was not ready to be a proper adult and yet here I was, just doing it.

I get ready for bed and go to the kitchen to take my medication and see Sacha eating dinner and he looks upset.

"Hey." I say. "Why do you look so glum?"

"I'm not really, I just miss eating with the boys." He wa referring to our dormmates. I missed it too.

"I'll eat with you when I can." The words exit my mouth before I can stop them. I didn't want to do that but he looked lonely and I knew what that was like.

"Really?" He says.

"Yeah sure." I say as I turn around and curse under my breath to myself.

I get ready for bed and turn on my LEDs and galaxy projector. I make a nest for myself and lie in it and cover with one duvet and two blankets and still find myself incredibly scared.

Even after all this time, I was still scared and I find the fact that Sacha is in the apartment is no comfort.

I can't sleep and do what I do every night and get my blankets and pillows and go to the living room and put some Netflix on.

I can't watch horrors as they influence my nightmares even though they aren't scary when I watch them.

I watch B99 again as I have anxiety when watching anything new and will try and watch it with someone.

For someone who has done such harrowing work, I'm shocked that hasn't given me nightmares or fueled my anxiety.

I laugh at the show and turn to laugh with the imaginary person next to me and sigh when I realise that I was just lonely.

I go onto my contacts and see who I can call but hesitate before every person when I reach Duvall's contact and hesitate. I press ring.

He wastes no time in picking up with a loud

"What!" He says down the phone.

"Hi, I was just wondering how you were? Happy anniversary to you and Zara."

"I don't want to speak to you." He says back.

"Okay, was just trying to be nice." I say it softly before cutting the phone and drag my hands across my face.

I feel a tear leave my eye and I wipe it before I just go back to watching the show but take a look at myself in my camera.

I look visibly devastated. My eyes are bloodshot with puffy eyebags. My hair has in three day old dutch braids and my smile has gone completely.

I'll just try again until someone does pick up.

I call Hugo this time and he doesn't even pick up.

Nicolas cuts the phone early.

The call to Sorrel doesn't even go through.

Alice just says a quick, I can't speak but in a ruder way.  

Luciel just shouts at me immediately.

I don't even manage to get a word in for any of them and I realise that I really am the least loved of all my siblings. I don't fit in at all.

I don't even care about the nightmares at this point, I just want to sleep forever.

I lay down there and fall asleep and wake up to Sacha shaking me awake.

"Jolie!" He says when I wake up but I just wan to sleep again. "Jolie you were screaming. Were you having a nightmare?"

"Stop pretending you care." I say as I turn around from him but feel the tears against my face.

"I really do care." He says.

"No you don't! You only want me to get to see those kids for whatever reason and that's it so please just leave me alone." I say as I cover my head with the blanket.

He goes quiet but doesn't leave and instead picks up the blanket and gets underneath and hugs me.

"This is just me, not what your brother wants me to do. I do want you to tell me why you can't visit them though, if you'd like." He says and I answer.

"I just can't." I'm sure there's a real reason but I found it hard to vocalise it.

"Is it Julien and Manon that you don't want to see? I can get the kids alone for you to meet them." Julien offers and I know it must be so important if he's been pestering me but I couldnt't.

I find myself surprising though as I agree, halfway at least.

"Sure but you can't tell me when. If you've been pestering me about it for 3 years then sure. So like I'm free the whole of this week so bring them sometime this week without Julien or Manon or I'll hurt you. You can sort it out now if you'd like." I wanted to see if he'd go.

"Nice try." He says as he pulls me closer.