Loving JJ

The void

I explain to Maxy the nightmare procedure.

"Okay Maxy, these are the steps I need you to take so you can feel better if you ever get scared in the night. I want you to remember that once you get back to sleep, this teddy bear is here for you and Sacha and I will be as well. This teddy bear will be your comfort item and I guarantee it will help you for however long you will struggle with these nightmares." He nods and hugs us before he goes to sleep.

I close my eyes too but not because I'm trying to sleep but because I'm ignoring Sacha. I'm too afraid of the dark to sleep in this.

"I know you're not asleep. You're deafly afraid of the dark Jolie, or should I say Julieta?" He knows how to push my buttons and I play into that.

"Shut up, don't call me that, I'm not and don't speak to me." I say as I face the other way and put my feet on the ground as if to say that I'm not scared.

"Juliet, Juliet, Juliet." He says and I want to slam my head against the wall.

"Don't call me that Sacha." I say as I try my best to ignore him.

"Okay, Juliet." He says and I grip onto the arm of the chair as to not say anything, Maxy had a long day and didn't need my arguments with Sacha disturbing him.

I force myself, irregadless of the nightmares that were to come.

Right now, Sacha was my nightmare.

I feel a little drop on my stomach as I wake up inside the closet.

Don't scream or they will hurt me. Don't scream or they will hurt my siblings because I couldn't be good.

Silence. Silence. Silence.

Don't move a muscle or even make noise.

Don't. Don't. Don't.

Don't say a word or even mutter under my breath or I'd hurt my younger siblings through my incompetence to be a well-behaved child.

Behave. Behave. Behave.

Just pray to God and hope that I become more well-behaved and less stupid.

You are stupid JJ.

You are.

You're so fucking stupid.

Idiot. Misbehaved. Rude. Annoying. A loser. A loner. A bad sister.

I feel the closet door open and Remi is standing there.

"Come on. I'll say that you fainted." He says.

"Remi. I will just get into trouble again. You're a good boy, don't let me drag you down." I say through tears. My dad shouts.

"Please." I sob and he nods and backs off. I hear the closet door lock and he runs off when my dad enters and I know it's him because of that god-awful cologne of his.

I silence myself and wipe my tears.

The noisemeter is at 0 and yet he still opens the closet door and beats me to a pulp and then my mom helps him as well by beating me as well.

I open my eyes and wipe my tears as I try to get rid of the awful dream.

It was no dream.

It was a reality that I faced and had to live with the trauma of everyday.

I get up and leave the room, turning the light on and sitting at the island.

River comes out and sits next to me.

"I reckon I'd have found you here. What's wrong?" She says and I just shake my head before bursting into tears.

She hugs me as she knows what's upset me this time.

"Did you have a hard time talking about it? Me too." She says as she tears up too.

"Oh I didn't mean to make you cry." I say and she shakes her head.

"It's been so hard, just the word adoption to me is so difficult for me to stomach. Knowing I have a family that I could still be part of, knowing I just wasn't good enough." She starts crying this time.

We hug for a while until we hear a door open and we quickly gain composure but we look awful and we laugh.

Sacha and Elijah come walking through.

"What are you guys doing up, are you alright?" Elijah asks, very nicely. I can see he was making up for the love lost between him and River and it was working, I can feel her body heat eminate from here.

"You look like hell." Sacha says as me and River give each other a look.

"We may be slightly less graced in the department of social cues but we do know when people have planned something and you guys do a really shit job at concealing shit." River says and I nod and we both laugh.

"You guys are close." Sacha says and we laugh, again.

"Sacha, we've lived in the same apartment complex straight out of university, both share the same neurodivergent condition, have been adopted by the same man, went to university together, got sent to military schools, we cry together, have annoying twin brothers and yet you couldn't come to the conclusion that we are best friends or at the very least, good friends?" I say.

"Military school?" Elijah questions and we nod.

"Yes. I went to Convey Army School in Australia and she went to Convey in Ireland. Not fun at all." River says.

"Army school sounds brilliant." Sacha says and Elijah agrees.

"Yeah, no. Not when you're there for 'bad behaviour.'" I say and turn around and lift up my shirt. "You see these scars. These are from bullets."

River lifts up her shirt as well and turns around.

"Same exact method across all those who need to be disciplined. Shot to the back every time you messed up." She says as she pulls her top down.

"Why do your wounds look much fresher River?" Sacha asks.

"Nosy, are we?" She gets a paper towel and wets it and wipes her face, removing her makeup.

"Autoimmune disease called aplastic anemia. I'm better now but my scars are very red. I had cancer when I was younger and the chemo and radiotherapy caused me to have acquired aplastic anemia. That was when my parents gave up on me, believing that it was a sign from the devil that I was impure. They were uneducated and blinded by the delusions that only rich people can feed one another. They're better now but they have decided that rather than apologise, they will spread their poison. I'm fine with it. I love my actual family much, much more." She shared a lot but Elijah needed to know this. They were raising a child together. "Elijah. Come here."

Elijah walks over, confused and my hand covers my mouth as I realise what she's doing.

"Here." She places something in his hand and he looks at it, confused.

She points to his neck and he looks at it closer.

"You're Echo?" He says and he looks at her and tears up and I know that's my cue to leave.

I go back to Maxy's room and sit down, Sacha close behind.

"That was a lot more insightful than I expected." He's trying to initiate conversation.

"Don't speak to me." I retort and focus on Maxy even though he's fine.

I realise that I am the one that's not fine as my hands are shaking and there are tears in my eyes.

"Jolie. What's wrong?" Sacha asks but I can't focus on him right now.

I sit down on the floor as I start shaking even more and try to breathe properly and can't but grip onto my knees and I start to rock back and forth trying to relax myself.

I can't do it, my shakes consume my whole body and I cry.

And cry, and cry.