Of Caverns and Casters ✓ [TLRQ #1]

Chapter 73 - Leavi

In the early morning, the house is draped in terrible, mundane silence. Wrapped in my blankets, I press my ear against the floor, straining to hear anything—a scuff of feet against the wood, the snap of a buckle, the rattle of a pot for his final breakfast here. A little heat leaks from the chimney, so I know a fire must still be going. But I can't imagine the scene, and as always, he's too quiet to give me any hint.

My heart twists. This shouldn't be happening, this silent, detached goodbye. If he has to leave, he should be sent off warmly, everyone gathered in the Kitten's living room to wish him well. Marcí would tell him to have a safe trip, not knowing he's not really traveling. Zena would scamper to him to give him a hug and beg one last little trick. Markus and Jacin would shake his hand gravely, and I—

Get your head out of your fantasies, Eleaviara! My mother's voice rings sharply in my head. Stop daydreaming, stop playing pretend and chasing after boys, and start moving forward in life. It's high time you acted like an adult.

The reprimand fails to motivate me now just as much as it failed back then. Then, the only thing I had to move forward toward was a job I hadn't applied for in a city I didn't want to be in. Now, all that waits for me is a wide world full of snow and a boy who doesn't want to see me.

But my mother was right about one thing. It is time to grow up, to stop hiding in this empty house like a scared child. My world might have cast me out, but I will find a place in this one. Maybe that's in Morineaux. Maybe it's scrubbing floors in another backwater village. I press my lips together, clutching my charm. Where I am does not make who I am. The charm cuts into my skin. I will find my way.

Downstairs, the door shuts, and my heart drops. He's gone. Headed to the barn, feet crunching across the snow, cowl surely pulled against the cold. In a few minutes, he'll be halfway across the world.

I'll never see him again.

Stupid girl, why didn't you swallow your pride and just go say goodbye? My feet long to jump up and chase him down, but if he doesn't want to say goodbye, I'm not going to force him to. I'll regret it by tonight, but by then, it'll be too late. And that's okay. That's the way he wants it.

I tell myself it doesn't matter, because honestly, it really, really doesn't. That's what my mother would say if she were here. She had a way of cutting to the reality of a situation. In this new world, that's what I need—a little more reality, a little less feeling, a lot less imagining what could have been.

Because what I want—wanted—doesn't matter now. Feelings have no bearing on reality, and it is contemptuously absurd to expect them to. My mother spent sixteen years trying to drill that into my head, but it took the world beating it in for me to believe it. He's gone, or about to be. Last night was the last time I'll ever see him. These are the facts, this is reality, and reality must be accepted. Anything else is pointless.

Heart aching, I bury into my blankets. I feel like a little kid, ignoring the outside world in favor of a few more minutes of sleep and dreams. Any second, I imagine my father coming in to shake me awake, gently pulling me out of bed to keep my mother from shouting up the stairs again. But I'm a million miles away from that bed, that home, that city, and I'm not getting back. I will find my place. Tears prick my eyes.

Feet tap up the stairs, and my door bangs open. "Leavi?"

I glance up at Idyne, startled. She runs over to me, grabbing my hand and tugging me to my feet. In one breath, she says, "I have a way to get you through the portal because I messed with it last night after everyone went to bed, but then I passed out and just woke up, so we have to leave now."

She's trying to drag me out of the room, but I root myself. "I don't know what you're saying, Idyne. Slow down."

She huffs. "I can't. Not if you want to get to Morineaux! I passed Aster on the way here; once he's through, the portal will close in minutes. For good. And then I'll have wasted my charm for nothing. Come on."

Letting go of my hand, she snatches up my bag and heads out the door.

Bewildered, I hurry after her. "Wait. Are you saying I can go with him?"

"Are you just now catching on?" She quick-steps down the stairs, and I follow.

"I thought you said only two people could go through!"

"I messed with the spell. Okay?" Her song from last night rings in my ears, and my eyes widen. She hits the ground floor and shoves my bag into my arms. "I have to get my things. And Jacin. Now go. Hopefully we'll see you on the other side."

She nudges me forward, and I stumble. Numbed realization is clicking in my mind. I can go with Aster. That's what she's telling me.

I run.

I snag my boots from the door and don't waste time putting them on. I'm barefoot in the snow, and I don't care. I run as fast as I can, snow stinging my face, frozen wind stealing my breath.

My foot breaks through an icy layer and throws my body forward. Face-first in the snow, the cold tingles through my body. I try to push up, but the wet mess just gives way. I curse and try again, only to soak myself further. Each falling flake marks another second I've lost. Support. I need a wider surface area to support—

I stretch for my fallen boots, and laying them sideways, push. The snow shifts a little, but I gain enough purchase to stand, extricate my foot, and take off again. The barn rises before me, and I dash into its mouth.

The flat, blue disk of the portal faces me. Its surface no longer calmly swirls, but instead ripples in angry, chaotic waves. In the center of the portal, flecks of Idyne's pearl break off to be carried along by the current. Half the pearl is already gone, with more dissolving by the second.

The turbulent waters give me pause. I don't actually know what lies on the other side of this strange pool of angry, gravity-defying water. The best-case scenario is Aster, and Morineaux, and war. The worst-case scenario?

My foot stutters back.

Maybe the portal breaks me apart, just like that pearl, and swirls me around its waters. Maybe I go through and wind up in one of those 'locked rooms' Aster talked about, like the Meadow. Maybe I go in but never come out.

The logical option is to stay here, to play by the rules of reality and avoid this perversion of nature's laws. Reason says to keep far away from those waters.

But I want more than simple safety. Despite knowing nothing of what will happen next, what might become of me, or if Aster, being as important as he is, will even give me a second glance, I want to step through. I want to chase him down and tell him we don't have to say goodbye, not unless he wants to. I want to see Morineaux, see N'veauvia, and hope it's something like my old home. I know it will be strange, I know it will be foreign, but I want to learn. I want to find my place.

The pearl is rapidly disappearing. Eyes closed, I dive into the blue.