Every Thing You Never Had

12: Run, Before It's Too Late

Love brings many things, sometimes even pain.

~Anonymous
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♡︎♡︎♡︎

I think the hardest part of losing someone isn't having to say goodbye, but rather learning to live without them. I've spent years grieving over the loss of my mother. Building up this wall, not letting anyone in. Learning to live without her. Ever since she left I have never felt true happiness. I locked myself away from the world for years. My mother was the most beautiful, loving person I've ever known. The day she died, a piece of me died along with her. My dad tries to act as if he's not hurting, but I can tell that he still is not over it. No matter how many times he says it. I never believed that it was just an accident. Deep down I know it wasn't, he does too. He just doesn't want to accept the fact that her death was in fact not an accident but intentional. Someone drove her car off the road on purpose. And I will stop at nothing to find out who is behind it. For all these years I've lived in the darkness. Scared of what might be in the light. I've spent countless nights crying myself to sleep until one day, the tears stopped flowing and a darkness washed over me. The pain didn't stop, I just became used to it. I became used to the darkness. Used to the silence. Used to not having anyone with me. I've spent countless nights out, drinking my sorrows away. Leaving my family here worried about where I might be. If I'm safe. My dad tries his hardest to be there for me, but I try my hardest to push him away. No matter how hard I try he never gives up on me. Never stops caring for me, never stops trying to protect me. I've spent these years numb to everything and everyone around me.

Not until she came Into my life. I've been so scared to let her into my life, but too selfish to let her walk out of it. Just her knowing about me, the real me is enough to ruin everything. But I trust Her. I trust she won't tell anyone. She knows that being with someone like me is dangerous. Yet she stayed. She didn't run away. She stayed and accepted me, along with everything that came. She accepts all my flaws. She is the only one who I've allowed in for years. She is the only one who's made me feel happy for the first time since my mother. I can feel her slowly breaking down the brick wall I put up over my heart.

I don't think I'm ready to talk about my mom yet. I know the day that I am ready, she will be there to listen. She's opened up to me about a lot of tragic events that happened in her life. To think that people like them live in this world is sickening. I kill guys like that on a daily basis. People like that don't deserve to live. There is a lot of stuff she still doesn't know about me, my life and what I do. I don't want her to see me as a cold blood killer.

"You told her what?!" My dad grunted. "Figliolo, please tell me you didn't." He says dragging his hands over his face.

"I did. She deserves to know what she's getting into."

"Sai cosa potrebbe succedere se decidesse di dirlo a qualcuno?"
Translation: "You know what might happen if he decides to tell someone?"

"She won't." I try to reassure him.

"You better hope not. Now go train your brother."

"Why can't you do it?"

"I have business I have to handle before tonight."

"What's tonight?"

"Do you never listen to anything I tell you? Everyone is coming over tonight to celebrate our success on our recent mission." He exhaled. "I expect you'll bring Elora along?" I nodded and turned around to go back to my room. Elora left this morning saying something about breakfast with her friends and shopping. I don't see why we need to have a party every time we succeed with a mission. We always succeed so there's always a party. I guess it'll give me a chance to introduce Elora to everyone since we are getting serious and she's living here.