A Weary Vampire

Chapter 24

and we sealed the decision with a kiss... beside the lake...under the moonlight...

The words. The words. His words. He went away, of course he had to at some point in the day, but his words didn't leave the room with him. They hovered around in my mind, in the room, crowding every possible space, growing bigger and bigger, floating around, knocking things over.

I... did that? BUT WHY COULDN'T I REMEMBER IT? Literally any of it? Just a fragment. I just needed one little moment of memory to prove it to myself. But the alcohol had blurred even those memories at the edges which I did remember from yesterday evening. And it made me embarrassed to my own self, I couldn't hold myself accountable. It was a first in a long time.

And this wasn't some basic drunk people activity I had done, it was an advanced level thing. At least that's what I felt, and was told I had done. But was I to believe Aaron in those moments? Aaron? The Aaron? But I did in those moments. Love is a baseless, stupid feeling that makes you do things which would make you look back on it to realise that WOW, why did I ever do that? But then, if you do things under compulsion, it gives you similar emotions and thoughts, and I did not get this back then.

And so, I dated him, initially out of embarrassment of my own actions, and then, pure teenage love, and what I couldn't figure out till later, sprinkles of compulsion here and there. Aaron was the perfect partner, he was amazing to me, and even if he wasn't at some point, I would never know, or remember, because he made and created everything that way. I felt the happiest person, almost every time I was with him, I felt I was so light and happy, floating on air, the most wonderful feelings.

But our relationship was a secret one, we never went public because that would have attracted a lot of negative public attention to his royal status, and I understood that, I guess.

Every time I think about that time now, I'm like... NO ONE, and i'm serious, no one is that dumb to accept that. You would have to be either super wild or super desperate for sexy time to accept that kind of thing in a relationship. Or, you know, have been compulsively made to believe that, and so much skill and clarity that you don't even think twice to ask why.

It was such a wild time and I just...I just can't think about each and every day of those seven months without getting disgusted with the person he was, his actions, and the fact that I never saw through it, not even once. And I understand that none of it was actually my fault, none of it my mistake. But it's difficult to clear that out to my little overthinker of a brain. I need to get it out of my system today, so that when I finally die, I get to look back at all that I've been through, all that I have done in the total of one thousand, and seventeen years, I'm peaceful and calm about it. I don't want some random guy living in some corner of my memories to ruin my peace. I want to stand in front of it and say to myself, that it was just an experience, just another thing that made me a stronger vampire, that made me, me.