Asking for help, A Kallmekris fanfic

Chapter 2

tw: ed

My vision is fuzzy, like the static of a tv when it's denied a signal. Everything is blurred at the edges and silent. Then, all of a sudden, I'm snapped back to the hard cold world. Gail is standing over me, asking what happened. My brain is mushy and nothing feels real. I try to push myself up, but my knees buckle and my heart beats faster. "Whoa, don't get up quite yet,'' Gail says in a concerned voice. "What happened babe?'' My head is throbbing and I can't form words for some reason, so I stay silent, my hands shaking. She wraps her arms around my whole body, holding me. "C'mon, let's go sit on the couch.''

I feel really faint and dizzy, but I still can't talk, so I lean on her as she supports me to the living room. After a few minutes of sitting on the couch, my brain is finally clear enough to talk. "I think I fainted,'' I say. "What happened?"

She shakes her head. "I was just finishing the show and I heard a huge thump, so I hurried into the hallway and found you knocked out on the floor."

"Damn," I say.

"Yeah. You okay? What'da reckon happened?"

My mind spins. I know exactly what happened. I've been warned of this. Eating disorders bring on fainting. It's never happened to me before, but it was just a matter of time. Especially since I recently lowered my calorie limit to 400 or under a day, it was bound to happen soon. I know that my body can't sustain the calorie requirements of a 3 month old baby. That doesn't stop me though. Of course, I can't tell Gail any of this. I act like I'm processing her words while I frantically think of an excuse.

"Er, I think it was probably just a blood sugar drop," I said unconvincingly.

She raises her eyebrows.

"It's true!" What sounds like conviction slips into my voice. "I ate lunch early, so I haven't eaten in a while, and I didn't want to eat a snack right before dinner." My argument actually sounds pretty real, and I'm relieved when she looks swayed.

"Alright honey, that's fine. Dinner's outside the door, so let me go grab it. you stay here. It'll be good to get some food for you."

I am both relieved and terrified at these words. On one hand, relieved, because I'm absolutely ravenous, and terrified because, well, food.

Gail comes back with a brown paper bag and sets it on the table. She comes over to me. "Babe, can you get up by yourself, or do you want help?"

"Uh, I can do it myself," I stand up, and my knees immediately buckle. I end up on the ground and Gail is next to me in a flash. "Maybe not," I mutter. She helps me up and I again lean on her as we walk. We get to the table and I slide into my seat, still feeling shaky and my heart rate still elevated. Gail draws out my sushi roll, cloaked in a cardboard box. She slides it across the table to me and I open it. The sweet scent of the white rice and salty seaweed seep into my nostrils and it smells devine. But one of my rules is that I can't start eating until everybody else at the table does, so I wait in agony as my girlfriend slowly opens her box and prepares her chopsticks. Finally, after what seems like ages, she takes a piece of her fried shrimp roll and places it in her mouth, eyes closing in pleasure. I take my chopsticks and take a small bite of the sushi, still slightly scared of it, despite being starving. It tastes so amazing, the rice practically melts in my mouth. Before I know it, I'm finished with all 6 pieces, despite my efforts to eat slowly. Guilt starts to seep in, but I try to ignore it. I've eaten 380 calories today. That's below my limit, despite the large dinner, so I'm fine. I'm in the middle of telling myself that I'll still lose weight after this dinner, when Gail's voice cuts into my thoughts.

"Babe, since you fainted today, you should probably eat more than that measly meal. I know that you're used to eating a smaller dinner, but you should really get your blood sugar up."

Oh god. no. I can't eat anymore. She's not gonna make me eat more is she? Panicked thoughts start to build up in my head. "Erm, I'm not hungry."

"Okay, yeah, but it can't hurt to eat a little more, just to be safe, no?"

"Hon, I'm really not hungry."

"Please just eat a little more."

"I- i-," the people pleaser in me is having a hard time ignoring her, as she's turned on her pleading puppy voice.

"I know you're not hungry," she softens her voice, "but just eat some this tofu. It's not much."

Not the fried tofu, oh god. It smells so good. but it's absolutely terrifying. I just know that will make me gain at least 3lbs. But before I can even start to defend myself, Gail is walking towards me, holding the cardboard box. She sits down on the chair next to me. "Love, eat." Her voice gets a little firmer. "You've been losing weight recently. You can stand to eat a little bit of extra food. You literally fainted today because you didn't eat enough recently."

I shake my head. "Gail. I'm not hungry. I PROMISE that I'm fine," I put as much conviction as I can into my voice. I really cannot afford 400 extra calories.

But she's not budging. She just gives me a look and puts the tofu in front of me. I start to stand up so I can walk away from her, but I feel my legs starting to collapse under me. Dammit! I had thought that after such a huge meal (250 calories!), I would have felt much better. But no. I sit back down, my head spinning and my heart skipping a beat or two. Gail gives me another look. "See that?" she comments quietly. "You need to eat more or you won't be able to walk."

At this point, I'm trying hard not to cry. I can't keep refusing, or Gail will really start to think something's wrong, but I also can't eat the tofu. There's no way out. I can feel Gail's eyes boring into my back. I love her, but god oh god, she's so stubborn. I can't do this. Can I? I don't know.

Slowly, I pick up a fork, glancing to the side to see her reaction. She remains neutral. I slide the box of tofu closer to me. I take a bite. I'm so scared that I can't even taste the tofu. All I can think of is the calories slipping down my throat, infesting my body, and leaving me with rolls of fat. The only thing that keeps me taking bites and swallowing is the fact that I'm hiding my problems from Gail so I can keep losing weight after this. But eating this tofu is maybe the hardest thing I've ever done. I want to scream and cry and curl up in a ball and never talk to anyone again, but instead, I keep a straight face, forcing down each bite. Finally, I've finished the entire box. I turn towards Gail, who looks happy. I half grimace, half smile, and blink back the tears forming in my eyes.

what do yall think about this? I wrote it while sitting next to my mom in the car and said I was writing an essay for school lol. high stakes, but luckily, she didn't look at my screen too closely. if you like it, please vote and comment!! see ya'll later.