Let Me Hold You

2- Friendly Advice

It felt as if thousands of eyes were on Riftan as he followed the Duke. They climbed a set of stairs and he felt dizzy, almost as if he couldn't catch his breath. Climbing a mountain in his armor was easier than this. 

***

The Duke had made it clear that the marriage wouldn't be valid until he and Maximillian consummated the marriage. The idea of sleeping with her terrified him. Unlike many of the other knights he led, Riftan hadn't slept with anyone throughout his travels. He swallowed his pride a few nights before the wedding and pulled Hebaron to the side in hopes of getting more information. 

"What is it Commander... should we kidnap the Duke and hold him for ransom instead of having you go through with this?" 

They stood behind a row of trees, not far from the fire near where they had set up camp on the way to the Duke's territory. The weak light reflected off their faces. Hebaron looked confused and worried— a departure from his usual jovial expression. 

"Nirta... you've had a few lovers right?"

Hebaron raised his eyebrows. 

"Yes..."

Riftan shakily inhaled and then exhaled looking down at the dark ground. He could feel Hebaron staring at his head. 

"What should I do... to make it feel good for them... like the first time... what can I do..."

Riftan tried to make sense of his own ramblings. Hebaron's face was blank as he carefully scanned Riftan's face. He opened his mouth, paused, and then opened it again. 

"Commander... don't kill me for asking you this... but have you never taken a lover before?"

Riftan's face felt like it was on fire. He tried to quickly explain that he had never gotten around to it. He didn't mention Maximillian or the hours he had spent fantasizing about sitting in a field of flowers with her. Or about how he had dreamed of kissing her just once. The women at the inns were often too aggressive and it scared Riftan. He had often asked himself if it was normal to be so afraid of someone else's body, to feel repulsed by their lack of control. Mercenaries had teased him and asked intrusive questions throughout most of his teen years and he never had a good answer so Riftan simply pretended to be annoyed. 

It wasn't as if Riftan didn't feel the aching want coiling deep in his body. But whenever that happened, all he could think about was Maximillian and her sunset hair and her sad eyes. 

Hebaron paused again, analyzing what he had just learned. It was rare to see him so still. 

"The thing is ... your anger at the women working in the inns trying to seduce you has actually won me money."

Riftan gritted his teeth. 

"Please tell me that you aren't serious." 

Hebaron laughed. He quickly explained that some of the knights had placed bets on which woman would have caught Riftan's attention. He was known for kicking women out of his room whenever they tried to sneak in and seduce him. He never joined the other mercenaries when flirting with maids or noblewomen. Hebaron had gone as far to bet that Riftan had never actually slept with a woman, and he was right. 

"I think you've heard enough from other men's... escapades... to understand how it'll work for you. But if someone is new, you'll have to go slowly. Just kiss and caress her everywhere and it'll feel better." 

Riftan nodded, trying to keep a straight face. Most mercenaries bragged about their techniques for making women feel good. Some exaggerated their stories and came up random stories of their orgies with married noblewomen. Of beautiful inn girls who came more than 4 times in a row due to their skillful lovemaking. Riftan knew a lot of it was probably a lie, but he didn't want to scare Maximillian. If anyone knew something that could be useful it was probably the flirtatious Hebaron. 

"If you don't mind me asking, do you touch yourself ever? One of the knights thinks you haven't done that either."

Hebaron sounded too excited to ask the question. Riftan felt his ears and cheeks flush at the mirth in his voice. 

"God you are insufferable... forget that I even brought this up." 

Hebaron chuckled sympathetically. He cautiously reached out and patted Riftan's shoulder. 

"Just go slowly, alright. Don't rush her." 

Riftan nodded and quickly walked away from the trees and towards the campsite praying that his face didn't betray his internal panic attack. 

***

The door of the marital room loomed ahead of Riftan. He felt sweat trickle down his back and prayed that it didn't seep through his clothing. He had seen how scared Maximillian had been whenever he had tried to get close to her.

Does she think I'm ugly?

He wondered. He hated the clothing he had been forced to wear for the ceremony and questioned if Maximillian would think he looked foolish in the same attire that noble people donned for banquets. Riftan hesitated to reach for the door. 

"Go in." 

A knight urged him. Riftan reached for the handle and stepped in.