Let Me Hold You

5- In Her Arms

Riftan felt as if his body was half floating. He shuttered at the pressure of Maximillian's hands on his forearms, and tried to clear his head. His lips trailed over lips, to her jaw, and her neck. He felt her tremble in his arms and then heard a small sob. He hugged Maximillian to him. 

"I'm sorry... I didn't mean to go so fast at the end." 

He turned on his side and softly pushed the tears away with is thumb. He noticed a small basin of water and a cloth on a table near the fireplace. He detangled himself from her and shakily made his way to the basin. Riftan dipped the cloth in the clean water and cleaned himself off. He was disturbed to see a little blood smeared on his thigh. 

"Are you cold?" he half whispered. "Hold on for a bit." 

Riftan carefully wiped her sweat away and then gently cleaned off her inner thighs. He grimaced at the sight of the blood that stained the sheets around her legs in guilt. 

Will this always hurt her? 

He didn't like the idea of her being in pain. He finished cleaning Maximillian off, tossed the wet cloth to the floor by the bed and slowly climbed into the bed next to her. He pulled the blanket up to their chests and rubbed his hand up and down her spine trying to soothe her. 

"It's alright, it's done." 

Maximillian's eyes were somewhat red and a little puffy. It jolted Riftan's heart and he pulled her closer to his side. He wanted to apologize. He wanted to tell her that he was scared. That he had waited to get close to her for years. He wanted to beg her not to hate him. But all Riftan could do was hold her and kiss away the remaining tears on her cheeks. 

"It's alright... you're my wife now... and I'm your husband." 

It felt wrong to call himself her husband. A good husband would protect his wife from all harm, even if that harm was himself. Riftan thought about how he'd have to leave in just a few hours. The woman of his dreams was not only finally in his arms and he couldn't believe that one her clear memories of him would be associated with pain and fear. His hatred for the Duke surged higher than ever before. 

Did I just fuck this up?

The thought reverberated through his skull over and over again. Riftan was so overwhelmed by the feel of her in his arms and his guilt curling around his guts that he couldn't think straight. He squeezed his eyes shut but then felt her hand timidly touch is cheek. His eyes flung open. 

"I'm ok." 

She whispered. Riftan knew she wasn't. He nodded held her even closer. 

"Get some rest," he whispered against her hair. 

 He drifted off to sleep, lulled into what felt like a drunken state from the gentle sound of her breathing, the smell of her hair, their sweat and the smell of their intercourse. Riftan dreamed that they sat across from each other in the castle's empty banquet hall. He carefully fed Maximillian spoonfuls of the best meals he had ever tasted. He scooped sweetened cream with his bare hands and she carefully licked it off his fingers. They drank wine from the same glass and at some point he pulled her onto his lap and held her as she continued to eat from his plate. She'd wear a deep blue dress to match the cloaks that he and the other knights wore. They'd ride off to Anatol in a carriage together and he'd kiss her the entire journey there. He'd take her to see the frozen lake not far from Castle Calypse. 

"I like coming to the lake sometimes because it reminds me of your eyes," he told her in his dream. 

Riftan lazily woke up to the sound of falling rain. They must have only slept a few hours. The sky outside the window was still dark and he couldn't hear or any movement from direction of the wedding hall. Riftan rubbed his eyes and groaned. In just a handful of hours, he'd have to prepare for the mission in the Lexos Mountains. 

Why can't the Duke handle that fucking lizard himself. 

He heard breathing next to him and turned to see Maximillian's head on the pillow next to him. Her hair had fanned out like a gentle auburn cloud. Her eyelids trembled gently as she lingered in her dreams. Her eyelashes cast a slight shadow on the top of her cheekbones. Riftan thought about how lonely and sad she had always appeared all these years. One of the few times he had seen her smile was as a child with the dog, or times whenever she was in the garden alone petting a cat. Riftan traced the shape of her lips with his fingers, memorizing them, memorizing the feel of her skin, memorizing the the constellation of freckles on her face. 

I wish you'd smile at me, just once before I go. 

He pulled away from her and it hurt more than any punch he'd ever receive, more than any long day of riding ever hurt, more than any injury he had ever suffered as a mercenary. Just as Riftan began to slide the blanket off of his body, Maximillian stirred. Her eyes barely opened and she yawned. Riftan froze. 

"Y-you're awake." 

She whispered, half asleep. Riftan laid back down next to her and stroked her cheek. He gave her the gentlest breath of a kiss as to not rouse Maximillian out of her soft dream-like state. For once she was calm and he hoped she would have at least one tender memory of him before he marched off to what felt like the end of his life. 

"Max," his chest hurt just saying her name. "Wouldn't it be nice if we could be here forever." 

The corners of her lips gently turned upwards and Maximillian yawned again. She nodded and Riftan felt her move a little closer to him. 

"Then st-stay here, it's c-cold outside." 

Her eyes were barely open and Riftan wondered if she was just sleep talking. He kissed her forehead and rubbed his hand down her back again. 

"I'm scared of leaving... but if I come back... will you go with me to Anatol." 

She yawned again and slowly blinked her eyes. Maximillian nodded and whispered. 

"I've n-never been an-anywhere else... t-take me away fr-from here." 

She closed her eyes and began to breathe steadily again. Riftan held her to his chest for a little bit longer. He didn't want to know what was to come. Hundreds of knights had already lost their lives trying to survey the area he would be heading to and he couldn't foresee it going any differently for himself or the knights in his command. 

At least I'll die your husband. At least before I'm gone, I held you even just this once.