Let Me Hold You

6- His Departure

Riftan waited for Maximillian to fall into a deep sleep again. He smoothed her hair back and carefully kissed her forehead, her nose, and each eyelid. Please remember the good parts, he prayed as he tried to memorize her face and hair one last time. He climbed out of the bed and quietly dressed himself and walked to the door. Before he could open it, he turned back to the bed and kissed her lips one last time. 

"Goodbye," he whispered against her hair.

This time he left for good. He endured the uppity butler that went in to check on the virgin blood on the bed. Will she be alright, he wanted to ask. But he had caused the blood so he bit his tongue and handled his affairs. The mission to defeat the awakening dragon in the Lexos Mountains officially entrusted to Riftan, his stepfather was safe as was his new family, and Riftan now had to figure out a plan to stay alive alongside his subordinates. 

That night, away from his new bride, Riftan felt his eyes prickle with hot tears. He didn't feel as if he had the right to cry over her. He had mindlessly pushed himself into her body and didn't tell her everything he was feeling. 

You're so fucking stupid, he thought to himself. Would she even believe him if he told her how much he wanted her? Would she believe him if he'd say that he had been thinking about her for a long time, that he would marry her in a heartbeat, but only if she wanted to only if she wanted him back. Nights later, Riftan lay alone in his sleeping bag. 

Maximillian Calypse, Maximillian Calypse, my wife. 

Riftan was accustomed to loneliness, it was his oldest companion through cold nights on the road as a mercenary, through nights trudging home after a long day at the blacksmith's. But this time, it had seeped into the marrow of his bones and settled before he could find a way to ignore it. When he first began to notice Maximillian after having to attend conferences and banquets at the Croix Castle he felt himself being filled with a yearning he didn't understand. And now that he understood that it was his body and soul that yearned to be joined with her, it was too late to tell her how long he had noticed her. How he had endured the scorning stares from her father and the false politeness from the overdressed nobles just to get close to her. 

Months passed and he'd lay in his sleeping bag and he wondered why he couldn't get her eyes out of his mind. Some particularly lonely nights he'd trail his calloused hands down his abdomen to his groin and stroke his length and feel the same heat coiling around his core. He'd think of her lips, the salty taste of her neck, the sweaty kisses they exchanged and how soft her body felt against his as he neared his climax. The traveling mercenaries often talked of the ways they took women— from behind, or having them ride their laps like a horse, or how they made the women they'd had come with their mouths and fingers. He wanted to do all of that with Maximillian, he wanted to learn how to make her feel good. He didn't want her only experience with him to be tainted in blood. 

I just want to tangle myself up with you, he thought wistfully. 

In her soft dreamlike state, she had asked him to take her away. He laughed bitterly to himself when he thought that. Her father was one of the richest men in the kingdom. Duke Croix's castle was splendid. The first time he walked through its' halls, he was breathless with such splendor. How could she be so sad there? What made her look so lonely all those times their eyes met? The feasts, the servants, the music, the tapestries. He thought of her sitting in the garden with the cat asking it wistfully to stay by her side and he wanted to take her away all over again. It was a want so bad his knees trembled. 

But then he thought of the disrepair of Castle Calypse. New wall construction or no, the surrounding area of Anatol was still somewhat dangerous. How could he compete with the nobles and their parties? 

"There's no way she actually wants to leave such a splendid castle for the shabby countryside," he muttered to himself. 

More months passed. The armed forces defeated what felt like hoard of creatures. More men died. They didn't feel any closer to figuring out the dragon's exact location. Two and a half years into the expedition he hallucinated her in the snow, her figure flickering like a flame and he told himself that he'd live. That he'd get to know the lonely girl with sad eyes. I'll make you smile at me, he thought to himself. I'll make you understand how I feel one way or another. 

And then the time came that the dragon was defeated. That moment was a blur for Riftan. The days that followed were that of jubilation, drunken nights with the rest of the men. The long journey back to the capital also felt like he was walking through a fog. He had survived, and as far as he knew, he was still a married man on his way home. Maximillian, he'd say to himself over and over again. He'd get to hold her again soon. He'd get to see her eyes and her hair. 

The Remdragon Knights arrival to the capital was also a whirlwind. Riftan rode atop his warhorse Talon, and nervously smiled as crowds cheered them on. He heard cries of "Rossem Uigru" from the crowd. He looked for the Duke's crest at the royal castle and didn't see any sign of his father-in-law or his wife. Eventually, he and the knights managed to get ahold of a carriage and head to the Duke's castle. It loomed in the distance. All Riftan could think about was the one night he spent next to her. 

Please, Max... please don't fear me this time.