Let Me Hold You

7- Her Worries

Dear readers... this is set in that scene where they go riding in book 1 and Maxi says that she hates herself but I'm imagining it from Riftan's POV. 

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"I hate myself." 

That phrase echoed in Riftan's mind over and over again as he and Maxi rode to the meadow together. Her red curls billowed behind her reminding him of what her hair looked like when she was just a child. He was learning more and more about his wife as time went on but he'd notice how hesitant she was sometimes to speak. 

They stopped at a meadow that he had wanted her to see. Riftan wanted her to see more of Anatol, his heart had pounded at how excited she had been when he gifted her the white horse. He'd buy her a stable of horses and a barn full of animals if it would make her smile. He didn't understand why she wouldn't like herself. 

Doesn't she see how lovely she is. 

Riding through the fields, Max looked like a nymph to Riftan. The sun warmed her cheeks and brought out the brownish golden threads weaved into her usually auburn hair. The longing Riftan felt for years when he thought of Max, the long days and nights while on the dragon expedition turned into a yearning now that they finally shared a room together. He was still sometimes in awe when he woke up before her and saw Max pressed against him. If someone had told him a year ago that he'd be horseback riding with is wife, he would have laughed scornfully. 

He was often torn between trying to treat her like a delicate lady, seeing as she was the frail girl that quietly ate a small platter of fruit while sitting next to the Duke. The small woman with the wavering voice who smiled so brightly when she had a cat on her lap. Riftan was bewitched and he was reminded of it every day. His heart soared when she had called him handsome. It took all the control he earned from years as a mercenary and knight to stop himself from stupidly grinning from ear to ear. 

"Am I still scary?" he asked. 

Max shook her head. He felt the warmth from her body beside him. Riftan leaned in and kissed her. Their tongues softly lapped over each other and he stroked her hair. His groin stiffened as he felt Max shiver. It was cold but his body burned with a desire to strip off both their closes and to explore each other in the sunlight. She pulled away abruptly, saying they couldn't do that out there. 

"It's only us out here," he reminded her. 

They touched each other their clothes. Desperately panting as their heartbeats sped up. Riftan could practically feel her yearning for him. He pulled her onto his lap and began to lift her skirt up, his cold fingers traveling up her legs. Max hesitated. 

"Don't be afraid. I'll never hurt you," he whispered. 

They kissed and touched each other over their clothes. Riftan undid the tie of his trousers as Max pushed her skirt up higher. The cold air touched her thighs but they were sweating as they kissed. He pushed inside of her and they both gasped. Riftan caressed her hips and pushed into her even deeper, almost smirking when he remembered how flustered Max had been when he told her to sit on the horse like she sat on his lap. He nipped her neck and felt her nipples through her dress. 

Riftan and Maxi moaned into each other's mouths. He resisted the urge to strip both their clothing off. He just wanted to feel her over and over again. 

They held each other in the afterglow. Soon after he wrapped her up in his coat and they rode back to the castle together. After they had eaten dinner in their room the maids set out a tub. Riftan slowly washed the day off her skin and carefully rinsed her hair with warm water. He sprinkled kisses on her shoulders and neck, paying extra attention to the constellation of freckles that he had tried to memorize ever since their first night together.  They towel dried each other's bodies off and Riftan stroked her back languidly until Max's breathing deepened and she fell asleep with her bare body flush against his. 

He remembered how wide-eyed she had looked when he first offered to comb her hair.  Riftan had seen the maids braid it before and he carefully memorized the pattern and then tried it himself. He was proud of how good he had gotten at fixing her hair. He loved feeling the curls against his fingers and seeing how they cascaded down her back  after he let it loose from an updo. 

"Do you like me?" Riftan whispered into Max's hair. 

He stroked her cheek with the whisper of a touch to avoid waking her. Max's gentle breath fanned over his face as they lay facing each other. He pulled in her closer and closed his eyes, grateful for all he had endured on his way to becoming her husband. 

"My dear lady," he softly sighed. 

How could such a lovely woman hate herself, he thought. 

Some nights, Riftan was so overwhelmed with all he had acquired in his life. He wanted to create a shield of protection around Max. He wanted to capture every moment with her and put them in a vault along with his other riches. But they slipped through is fingers like water would and he didn't know that his heart had the capacity to hold on to the little moments of tenderness and joy. Maxi's scent, her eyes, her gentle smiles, they way she lit up at the slight of the library. The small moments at dawn when he had caught her gazing at him from her pillow. It took all his restraint to stop him from tearing up when he first made Max smile. Unlike the time when he used to run into her at the Duke's castle, she didn't look at him with fear anymore. Some days, he could swear that she looked relieved, happy even to see him after a long day. 

Riftan drifted off to sleep. He didn't dream this time, he didn't have to. She was right beside him on a winter's night in Anatol and all was well. Everything was in its place.