Deathnote Oneshots

L Lawliet - Desperation - Part One 🖤💔

It was something about the constant reminder you weren't enough that crumbled your self-esteem slowly. Misa was so pretty, Misa was so skinny, Misa has gorgeous blonde hair and Misa has stunning blue eyes. Misa, Misa, Misa. She's just so pretty, so perfect. Well, besides that fact that she might be responsible for the death of an incredible amount of people. She had everything, everyone. Meanwhile, you had to deal with the smidge of attention you got from the other detectives on the taskforce.
But it wasn't that that hurt you, It was L.

God, you were so in-love. His wide eyes, his messy hair, his enormous ego and power control obsession. But to him, you were just a lowly detective. It's always 'Get me tea' this and 'More cake' that, and it's always you meeting his demands, never anyone else.

Sometimes you wanted to scream, throw his stupid cake in his face and quit on the spot. But then you remember you have a mortgage to pay, a mouth to feed, a life to live and you don't. You watch him stare at Misa the way you wanted to be stared at, you let him demand you fetch his food and stop your work, and you can practically hear him roll his eyes whenever you greet him. And that was fine, until this.

Grabbing his cake and a fork, you walk down back towards where the Taskforce is when you stop, hearing your name.

"I'm pretty sure Y/n likes you, L. I mean she lets you boss her around like no one else in the Taskforce."

You stand on the terrace, impatiently awaiting L's response with heated cheeks.

"I am not 'bossing her around', Light. I'm simply telling her to do her job, which she's quite inadequate at if I don't. Besides, I could never be in a relationship with a woman like her, I'm more likely to try my hand at Misa for heaven's sakes."

The words sunk in, engraving themselves in your memory and carving a sizable chunk off your heart. But no tears fell. The loudest silence echoed throughout the Taskforce resembling your thoughts. You were hurt, but not surprised. You knew you'd never be enough for a man like him, esteemed and intelligent. Misa was always better than you. And there would always be another Misa, another option, a better one.

So instead of throwing the cake bullseye off the platform onto L's face and crying like a toddler, you took a deep breath and continued walking down. You watched the Taskforce turn to you and smile with sympathy glistening in their eyes and returned the grin confusedly. Stepping over to L and setting the cake down in front of him, you looked around and put on a show.

"Why's everyone starring at me? Did I get cake on my shirt or something?"
A flip was switched and everyone shrugged it off and went back to work, assuming you hadn't heard. You smiled at L and said a quick, "Enjoy your cake", before going back to your desk. He nodded and eyed your expression carefully before concluding you were unaware of the conversation and resuming his work.

And just like that the day continued, not a peep from you that you were upset. Once the day was over you said your goodbyes to the other investigators but when you looked at L and saw him concentrated, you decided he could go a day without a farewell, not like he cared anyway. Not like you mattered.

As soon as you got to your apartment, you collapsed, the rooms oxygen stranding you on a beach without hope, without faith. Your sobs crashed into the ocean, rippling small waves throughout the water. The sea threw you around your house, taking out paintings and mirrors with it. Downing a bottle of expensive wine and ripping drawers out of the fridge, your emotions spiraled.
Your screams of anguish slowly disappeared, your throat closing and tears choking out of your eyes. The sea you fought so hard to swim away from pulled you back in with barely a fight, simply a push and you were gone with the tide, nothing a remainder of your dignity but your proper clothes and shoes. And by the time you were done with aggression, you could hardly care enough to take in the damage.

Guilt filled your being as you realized pictures of you as a kid littered the floor but you couldn't bear to cry again, simply allowing your feet to slip from holding you up. You sat against the wall, your slightly opened eyes watching as the light from the cars outside reflect on the broken mirror pieces scattered across your floor.

Maybe it was a bit extreme, destroying your apartment because of a boy. But it wasn't just him. The constant pain of staying alive, maintaining a schedule so you couldn't fall into a depressive episode took its tole on your mind. The radio silence from your dad and the disappointment that radiated off of your mom controlled how you loved. And you loved hard.
Fuck this, I'll clean tomorrow. Or never.

You stood up and stretched, about to walk away into your bathroom when you heard a knock at your door. Opening it you saw a shy Matsuda holding two pints of ice-cream and a giant teddy bear.

"Hey, Y/n. Can I come in?"