Secret Thoughts.

Chapter 16- Juan

We got to my house, and started watching a movie. It's called "American Pie". It's a hilarious movie, but basically one of the only movies we have here at home. I can't stop thinking of her even though she's beside me. I can't stop thinking of her smile, and kissing those lips. Her laugh, which gives me comfort, without me even knowing it. Touching her body, her mysterious un-touched body. Fuck. Mi'ama isn't coming home until 2 in the morning so we have a lot of time to be together in the house. Time is flying by and I'm trying so hard not to caress every damn part of her. I don't know how she would feel about that. Mierda. These thoughts are getting on my nerves. I said, I would never get emotionally involved with anyone. Not since Des. After Des, I thought I'd never fall for anyone again, but... I think I'm falling quickly for Paige. I don't want to. They always leave, when I need them. It's getting to be 7 at night, and I'm trying not to get caught up in these stupid thoughts, and make a move on her.

I look over at her and catch her looking back at me. Our eyes were glued on eachother. I'm so ready to love this girl, but I can't, something is holding me back. The fear of losing someone else is way too fucking hard to bear. I lost my Father and Antonio. The fear of losing Mi'ama and Paige too is way too much.

We're alone, watching a movie together in the dark. I catch a glimpse of sparkle in her chocolate brown eyes and I'm so mesmerized. I think I may be falling for her, but I'm not going to let myself fucking love her because everything falls apart. I just want to take her in my arms and let her fall asleep. She looks tired.

"Juan?" she says, sleepily,looking at me with a glow in her eye. "I-I think... I'm in love with you."

FUCK! That's the last thing I want to hear right now, that she's in love with me. I don't want to hear that. I can't hear that. The last woman who told me she loved me, was Desiraee. I never looked at anyone the same way again. She told me she loved me, and then she moved. I had never been in love with a woman, except for des. I haven't really told my mi'ama I loved her, ever, I was too afraid and hated everything around me, and I couldn't even make sense of what love really meant. Then I lost my father and my brother, and I felt numb to everything, but still... I never loved until I met her.She challenged me, intrigued me, make me feel like the world, made me feel good in every single way, made me feel like a better man, and then she left. I've struggled with my whole life, before her and after her, and I can't go through this again. But, I feel close to the same way, as I felt with her, with Paige, and I don't want to feel it. I refuse to.

"I'm a dumbass, remember?"

She smiles.

"All that's a cover. Your sweetness is caught underneath and it's fighting it's way to the surface" she said, her eyes fixed on me.

She's in over her head. I'm a bad guy. I'm not sweet even if I tried to be. She leans toward me.

"I know what you want, I can tell." she caresses my legs.

"I don't want you to get hurt by me" I say.

"I trust you" she says.

Another word. Trust.

"Don't trust me" I whisper, as my breath hitches as I feel her body come on top of me.