Secret Thoughts.

Chapter 12- Juan

Why is she being so nice to me when I never do anything right? I wanna get away from here. I feel like she's pulling me in too close and I don't want to be. This girl has control over me somehow and I honestly don't like it. I look up at her. I've always wondered what it would be like to kiss her but I don't wanna be near her, not now, not here.

"Paige" I say, nervously.

She smiles.

There she goes again, smiling her smile.

"Yeah?!" she answered.

Shit, every time a girl gets close to me... in even the slightest way, everything fucks up. Whenever someone gets close to me, they leave, without a trace. I find some way to completely mess it the fuck up.  I don't have feelings. I fuck around, this is my job.  I don't have feelings!

"Fuck it! Why do you have to be the one I come to when I'm drunk?! I didn't want to come here!" I say.

I'm so frustrated. I can't stand being near her right now. Not like this. She's got some damn hold on me... I wanna be in control of myself!

"I'm going to bed, and you need rest. I'll see you in the morning for school" she says.

School? SHIT! I totally forgot about school. I've been so wrapped up in my lifes problems that I couldn't even realize that there's school again tomorrow. She walks to the door and shuts off the light.

"Don't go." I say, without realizing it.

I just... want to hold her right now... to feel what it would feel like, just once. Even though she's so not cute. I just wan't to get these thoughts out of my mind.

"I've got to. We both need rest, so goodnight Juan."

It's hard to sleep like this. It's hard to sleep when, for some reason, all I can think about her. I wish I could take some sleeping pill or some sort of remedy to get my mind off all the bullshit, it would be easier to sleep that way, because clearly, alcohol doesn't help.