The River

IKAANIM NA KABANATA

IKAANIM NA KABANATA 

"It all started when my mom faced an accident," I suddenly opened up as we both silently watching the birds playing above us. After a year and a half when I finally opened the big gate that I was built when I'm still a kid for the boy I am with, I now finally found the courage to tell him how the perfect family turned into a flawed one. How the hell started before it successfully ruined our family.

"My dad, who I thought loved my mother dearly, took it as an advantage for his cheater self. He cheated not just with one woman but multiple of them. After his visit to my mom in the hospital, he brings a different kind of woman every night in our house," My voice cracks because of the sudden image from the hurtful past played in my head. 

"I saw how he passionately kissed those woman like how he kissed my mom. I saw how he looked at them like how he used to looked at his wife, but there's a small difference, he looked at his woman with his lust-sinful eyes. Ngunit hindi pa rin 'yon nakabawas sa kanyang pagtataksil. Kahit magkaiba ang tingin niya sa mga babae niya at sa kanyang legal na asawa, hindi pa rin non mababawasan ang kahayupang ginawa niya sa pamilya namin!" I sadly smiled as the tears that I was holding finally freed from my eyes. 

I stiffened when Issar suddenly gave me a warm, tight hug. Because of his sudden action, my silent cry became loud as the sound from the river gave in front of us. Issar silently rubbed my hair down to my back, as if it's his way of telling me that he'll understand me no matter what the situation is. And it's like a cue for me to continue.

"And you know what's worse? He blamed that betrayal on my mom who didn't even know what's going on when she was lying on the hospital bed, fighting for her own to live her life. Only to find out that her beloved husband brought a different woman to our place." I cried even more when I remembered how my mom broke when she witnessed how her husband stabbed her in the back. 

Issar, who's still hugging me, hugged me even tighter. He combed my hair gently, calming me. 

"Imagine... A five years old kid witnessed all of those unfortunate disgusting things. A five years old kid who's mind became mature for an innocent kid. A five years old kid who distant herself to the people around her. And instead of playing outside with the others, the only thing what's on my mind at those days was how to fix the already shattered glasses in a happy, full of life household."

Hanggang sa lumubog ang araw ay hindi ako iniwan ni Issar. Nasa tabi ko lang siya buong maghapon at nakikinig lang sa bawat salitang lumalabas sa aking bibig. He may not uttered some comforting words, but his mere presence surely a big helped to calm my unsettled heart and mind. 

"What's on your mind?" I opened my eyes as I felt someone's arm sneaking around my waist, making his way to my right side. 

I looked at him and our eyes met, "Just remembering the first day I opened up with you about my past."

His smile became wider as he heard those words, "Yeah, I remember that, too." He answered and looked up at the sunny sky. I did the same. 

Agad na namutawi ang katahimikan sa pagitan naming dalawa, ngunit hindi nito mabura ang bawat ngiti sa aming mga labi habang nakatingala sa malawak at payapang himpapawid. 

"That was the day of our both first time." He suddenly said, I was confused at first but then I realized what he meant to say. My round eyes met again with his monolid one.

I attentively listened to his voice as he happily telling me how he felt that day. How he felt nervous when he finally held me into his embrace. How he feels worried when my tears suddenly fall from my eyes. And how he felt flutter like he almost jumped away from the big rock we're both standing in when I finally accepted his presence.

And it's also my first time. That was the first time I let other people see me break down. He was the first person who I let wiped my tears away. And he was the first person who I let embrace me in a tight hug aside from my mom.

But the smile that was plastered on my face eventually vanished when a picture of the two people appeared in my head without notice. It's as if the image was playing tricks with me. It's as if it was really its intention to ruin my mood.

I'm trying my very best to keep the picture out from my mind but it's still there. Para itong sirang plaka na hindi na kayang maisalba sa pag-aayos. Litrato na ilang araw nang bumabagabag sa magulo kong pag-iisip. Litrato ng dalawang taong masayang nagtatawanan sa sarili nilang mundo.

I let out a heavy sigh as I kept myself calm. I can now taste from the tip of my tongue the unhappy feeling caused by the thought that he might like her someday. That he might give up on these complicated relationships we are in. 

Should I have the right to feel this uncertain feeling? Should I have the right to feel jealous? Should I? 

But I don't have the right to control his feelings. I don't have the right to control his wants and needs. I don't have the right to control his life. I don't have the right to control him. Do I? 

Nang mapansin ni Issar ang biglaang pagbabago ng aking emosyon ay tumigil siya sa pagsasalita. Sinipat niya ako, his grip to my waist tightened pero hindi naman masakit.

He lifted his free hand at inalis ang bawat hibla ng aking buhok na tumabon sa aking mukha, "Is there any problem, love?" he softly asked.

Tinitigan ko siya saglit bago nag-iwas ng tingin sa kanya, "W-Wala naman," nauutal kong sagot sa kanya habang pilit na iniiwasan ang mapanuri niyang mga mata.

I heard him let out a heavy sigh before turning my body to fully face him. "I know there's something bothering you. Tell me what it is, hm?"

Biglang nagtama ang aming mga mata. Ilang minuto rin kaming nasa ganong posisyon bago ako nagtanong, "Who is she?" nang hindi niya nakuha ang ibig kong sabihin ay nagpatuloy ako. "That girl. Who is she?" 

Muling nag hari ang katahimikan sa loob ng treehouse. Ilang minuto rin siyang tahimik, iniintindi ang aking katanungan, habang ako naman ay tahimik ng nag-aabang sa maaari niyang sagot.

His confused look suddenly changed into a small smile, "Her name is Cheryl. She is my classmate and the only girl I am close with, aside from you, of course." 

I looked at him intently. I don't want to overthink but the way he mentioned her name, it was like he said the name of the lovely nature. Hindi man niya ipinakita sa akin ang kanyang sigla nang banggitin niya ang pangalan ng babae, ngunit ramdam ko ang galak sa kanyang boses.

"Cheryl, huh?" I whispered, "Both of you together might be perfect." I smiled, hiding the pain I am feeling.

Ang kanyang ngiti ay biglang naglaho dahil sa narinig. He was now emotionless like a statue. Dahil hindi ko kinaya ang biglaan niyang panlalamig ay wala akong magawa kundi ang yumuko na lang.

I don't want to say those words but my damn voice betrayed me! That was just supposed to be voicing out my inner thoughts! 

Hihingi na nasa ako ng tawad sa katangahang nagawa ng napatigagal ako sa aking kinatatayuan. I closed my eyes, rested my forehead on his chest, as his both arms sneak around my firm body, hugging me tightly as he always does.

"I'm only yours." He whispered gently, the assurance was visible in his voice.

***

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