The River

IKAWALONG KABANATA

IKAWALONG KABANATA

How far will this relationship take us...?

The only question that was on my mind 24/7. The same question I couldn't answer because I don't know what to answer. The same question that gives me pain every time I am seeking an answer. Is it possible that there's no answer in some questions?

No. All questions have its own answers. Kahit na ang mga sagot nito ay nakakapinsala sa'yo ng kirot. Piliin mo mang hindi bigyan ng sagot ang bawat masasakit na katanungan, hinding-hindi na magbabago na masasaktan at masasaktan ka talaga kahit ilang beses mo itong takasan.

Simula pagkabata ay naranasan ko na kung ano sa pakiramdam ang sakit. Naramdaman ko na kung paano humapdi ang aking damdamin dahil sa matinding kirot na hatid ng lalaking una kong minahal. Since I was a kid, my father already taught me how to feel emotional and physical pain. He already taught me how to handle my aching little heart.

Kaya akala ko magiging madali na lang sa aking lampasan ang sakit na nararamdaman ko ngayon. Akala ko magiging madali na lang sa aking pinigilan ang pagdurugo ng aking puso. Na mas mapabilis kong pigilan ang sakit na magtagumpay sa balak nitong pananakit sa akin.

But the pain I was feeling right now was too much. I don't think there is a cure to stop it from hurting me. I don't think there are some powers out there that can cure my bleeding heart. After all, the cause of this pain was the person that I am committed to.

It's been days since our birthday happened. It's been days since my heart didn't stop from bleeding. It's been days I've been carrying this unbearable pain.

I and Issar still haven't met. We still haven't talked about it because at the first place, there's nothing to talk about. Lord knows how much I badly want to hate Issar, especially Cheryl. But I can't, I just can't. Dahil kahit ilang beses ko pang pagbalik-baliktarin ang bilog na mundo, wala paring magbabago sa katotohanan na walang kahit na sino ang may alam sa relasyon naming dalawa ni Issar. It was a secret that only the two of us agreed. That's why hating Issar, especially to that girl Cheryl is not pleasant. Wala akong karapatan magalit sa kanya lalo na't hindi naman nito alam na may isang ako sa buhay ng lalaking gusto niya.

And that reality - that no one knows about my presence - is what hard to accept. And that actuality was hard to swallow na kahit gagawin ko na ang lahat ng aking makakaya ay mabibilaukan pa rin ako.

I closed my eyes as I let the afternoon breeze embrace me. Nandito ako ngayon sa malaking bato kaharap ang payapang agos ng malinis at malamig na ilog. Sa sobrang tahimik ng buong kagubatan ay nakakatulong ito kahit papaano na pakalmahin ang sarili. At times like these, no one can help me ease the pain but I myself.

Habang patagal ng patagal ako sa posisyon na 'yon, mas lalo lang akong sinasampal ng katotohanan. Hindi na ako pwedeng magtagal. Hindi na ako pwedeng manatili sa mundong ibabaw. I can't stay any longer kahit na labag man ito sa aking loob.

I don't want to leave. I don't want to be forever disappear. I don't want the people that matters to me will only remember my name after I go. Pero alam kong simula ngayon ay hindi na ako magtatagal, na susuko na lang ako kalaunan.

That's why I can't blame Issar if ever he'll develop some feelings for Cheryl. I can't hate him if he shows interest in the only girl friend he is close with. That's why I can't loathe him if he ever lost his feelings for a person like me who's about to disappear anytime soon.

Hindi ko alam kung ilang oras na akong hinayaan ang aking luha na malayang tumutulo mula sa aking mga mata. Hindi ko alam kung ilang oras ko nang pilit pinipigilan ang kirot na nararamdaman. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang maaari gawin sa takot na patuloy na bumabalot sa buo kong puso.