Love for Rent

x Closer x

'Are you okay?' Shahzaib asked me when we arrived at the five-star hotel for dinner. I was underdressed. I looked at the people around me and couldn't help but compare myself to them. People here, even the staff were better dressed than me. Not that my dress was terrible, it was clean and steamed. It was nice, but it didn't blend with the rest. I never belonged in such spaces, not that this was my lifestyle anyway, but maybe this was normal for Shahzaib.

'No, I am fine,' I stated quietly and shifted my gaze back to him. When I turned my attention, I caught him staring at me. I passed him a questioning stare, wondering why he looked at me like this? I liked when he looked at me like this, even if I shouldn't feel anything towards him. It was becoming hard for me to ignore him when he was everywhere, from my thoughts to my dream, all were becoming about him. I never prayed for anyone besides Ma, but now he was included in my prayers. I wished that he would face any times of misery, and whatever he wishes for, he gets that.

'This is one of my favorite restaurants in the city, a friend of mine, his brother owns it...I don't think he is here today,' He informed me.

'You have a lot of friends,' I commented while taking a sip of water as I waited for the waiter. He disappeared after giving us the menu. What's the point of coming for dinner when the waiter leaves you unattended for over twenty minutes. I knew it was a busy restaurant, at least it should have more staff to look after the customers.

'And what about you?' I heard him ask about my friends.

'I don't have lots of friends. I didn't have time or money to maintain friendships, Ma worked really hard to put me in a good college, but it was expensive. Most people who went there were from wealthy families, and they did activities that required a lot of money like going shopping or going to the movies, and I couldn't afford it, so I didn't really try to make friends,' I told him and saw him smiling.

'What?' I asked. Did I say something amusing?

'I like how honest you are, most people don't admit just things, I didn't have a lot of friends growing up, but I still tried to fit in. I needed an escape' I heard some sense of shame in his voice.

'We are all different. I just didn't want to lie to myself. I knew what I could afford and what I couldn't, I stated softly. I took another sip of water. I looked at the waiter attending a family that came after us. This was ridiculous. Did they attend people by status too?

'Excuse me, we are waiting' I called the waiter finally as soon as he finished. At last, he came and took our order.

'Streetfood vendors have one or two people, and they work so quickly compared to these people' I said as soon as the waiter left.

'Are you hungry?' He asked me worryingly when I took another sip of water.

'No, no I am fine' I quickly said.

'Let's go somewhere else' He was about to get up when I stopped him. There was so much chatting around me in English that I forgot I was in Pakistan for a second. Ma and I always talked about it, even in college. Whenever Ma finished her shift, and we would meet, she told me how many students came to her and spoke to her in English, expecting her to know the language. She used to politely decline and ask them to talk in Urdu. They were the same students who went to Urdu poetry and Qwalli events for cultural dose.

'I wanted to tell you about the film' He shocked me suddenly when he brought up this subject. I almost forgot this was part of the deal too.

'After our divorce, right?' I asked him. He told me that we would only do a movie after the divorce.

'No, the condition is off,' He replied.

'Why?' I inquired in return.

'Our marriage doesn't have an end date,' He answered.

'What do you mean?' I got alarmed when he said that.

'I mean, we don't know how long it will take when I get the share of the property, and I don't want to not keep my side of the deal, we will have to start soon, I want you to go over the script and tell me what you think about it, I had emailed you the document go over it when your mother's...' He started to speak, but I cut him off.

'Shahzaib, stop. I need a minute' I interfered.

'I need some time to think about it. I don't know how I feel about working with you like this,' I expressed my hesitance. Shahzaib looked excited at first, but his expression changed when he heard me saying that. Was that his way of making me stay? No, he wouldn't that.

Luckily before he could respond to that, the waiter arrived with our food just in time for once. Shahzaib got quiet after that, so we ate in silence. I felt him gazing at me from time to time, but he didn't say anything.

'You really like pushing my buttons, don't you?' The first thing Shahzaib said to me was just after we got out of the restaurant. Was he keeping his frustration inside for that long?

'I don't see us working together after our marriage ends, Shahzaib,' I said without looking at him as we drove back home.

'Why not? You don't feel anything towards me, right?' He fired.

'No, but you...' I stopped.

'I what?' He pushed.

'It's not up to you to decide. It's my choice whether I want to work with you or not,' I said.

'I get it,' He said with a slightly mocking tone. I didn't ask him anything about it.

'You really don't have a goal, you never wanted to do anything serious...this movie, theater, performance...it means nothing to you, and all this time I kept thinking you would be happy about it, you asked me about this didn't you, you wanted this, you asked me if I was really going to offer you a movie and now I am....' He hit the steering wheel, and I finally looked at him and saw how angry he got. But behind that anger, it was something else. I knew what he was doing.

'I only wanted money out of this, and you wanted proof of marriage for your lawyer, the movie was a bonus, but I don't need it. Maybe I am not like you, but I cannot work with you after our marriage ends,' I told him. Our car stopped at a stop sign, and I saw a young boy going from one car to another trying to sell a pack of dry fruits. I called him and tried to find my wallet but then realized that I had forgotten to put my wallet in my clutch when I was getting ready for dinner.

'Sorry...I don't,' I said while checking again.

'Here,' Shahzaib leaned in towards me to hand some cash to the boy and took a pack from him. Before moving back to his seat, he turned at looked at me.

'You don't have to keep trying to find a way to run away from me,' He said while looking straight into my eyes, and I forgot to breathe for a moment. We heard a honk and a man yelling from a card behind us, telling us to move. He quickly moved to his seat and started driving.

We reached home, and after playing with Saif for a while, I saw him pacing back and forth in the room when I got inside the bedroom.

'Shahzaib,' I called him, and he stopped to look at me.

'Do you need something?' I asked when I noticed him looking anxious. Instead of answering, he started walking towards me. I asked him several times to stop and asked him if everything was okay, but rather, he kept coming closer. He only stopped when my back touched the door, and I couldn't move anywhere anymore.

'Our marriage is real, Seher' He whispered just as he shifted even closer until our faces were only a few inches away. I reached out without realizing maybe because I knew I wouldn't be seeing him for a long time.

'I mean what I said, our marriage doesn't have an end date' He finished by bringing me closer to him and placing his lips over mine.

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