The Mirror

what just happened??

This chapter may be triggering involves self hate self harm and disturbing flashbacks.

Shaking I pick the hair up off the ground and bring my fingers up to feel the back of my head. I feel a sticky substance touch my fingers and pull my hand away as quick as I can, I look at them and see a little bit of red painting my fingers. Scurrying inside I head directly to the bathroom and see a little bit of red standing out in a sea of light brown/dirty brown hair. I stare at the fresh red blood dripping down strands of hair and think about all the possibilities of how I could explain a bald spot on the back of my head…

Its 6:00 PM right now and reluctantly I ate my food that was placed in front of me on the table. I ate the rice the carrots the potato and turnip. As soon as I finished though I excused myself to the bathroom to take a shower, I raced to the restroom and shoved my fingers down my throat creating an avalanche to explode out like a volcano the awful things that I had put into my body was now in the toilet. Flushing the toilet I stood up and washed my hands glancing at the red marks on my knuckles.

“BEEP BEEP BEEP” “time to get up Carli” whispering my mother turns the light on and hands me my pills. “What day is it?” sleep still visible in my voice, “Its monday sweet cheeks” My mother flashes me a sleepy smile and tells me to get up one last time before returning upstairs. Monday… ugh today is a green day that means I have study hall which means I have to see Alan, I would be fine with it but I still have strong feelings for him and seeing him just makes me want to kiss him and hug him and never ever let him go. I am very aware that that can’t happen which makes my heart ache with misery and pain especially since I have a feeling he doesn’t miss me either, that he used me for sex, that he hates me now, that I meant nothing to him that he never even loved me. This may be intense but I feel like I am not good enough that he took me for granted that I am not pretty enough. I feel ugly and betrayed, I feel worthless, like I can never be loved by anyway that I can never trust anyone. Deep huh? yeah well thats how he makes me feel.

He broke my heart… and somehow he still is.

The squishy sounds of the wet grass is what I heard as I made my way over to the tar of the school. I see people looking at me, walking towards me, Nona, Ilsa, Alan, and John. I am confused, why would Nona and Alan be coming over to me? I shake it off as they reach me and I see Nona with a sly smirk. Ilsa and I exchange hello’s and have a small conversation, I don’t know what it is but Alan is looking at me.. non stop and he looks sad.. I have no idea why. He broke up with me. “Do I have something on my face?” I question Ilsa, she looks me over and shakes her head. “why? should there be?” she asks me smiling “No just Alan is staring at me and he kinda looks sad thats all” I say looking at her, I quickly dart my eyes over to him again and he is talking to John about some girl. Typical guys.

“Hey Carli,” I snap my head over to the voice, Nona, “Yeah?” I barely speak “Watch this, lets see how you feel!” she laughs and grabs Alan and kisses him right there eyes open glaring at me. She let him go and strutted away flipping me off. I stood there frozen, tears welling up in my eyes and a lump forming in my throat, the three of them are looking at me now. They can’t see me upset I have to be strong. I pull all the strength I can into not breaking down and crying right in front of my two closest friends and my ex-boyfriend whom I still have feelings for. I put on a fake smile, which I am pretty good at and say “why are you looking at me? it doesn’t matter right, we aren’t together it shouldn’t bother me.” I have to fast walk away because before that sentence was over a few tears betrayed me and glided steadily down my face exposes my sadness. Fast walking away from your best friend your ex and your ‘brother’ isn’t the best when they are trying to call you back, I ignored them and ran coming up with a lame excuse shouting I gotta go to the bathroom.

The whole day Nona has spent torturing me when ever she sees me and Alan is around she makes sure to touch him in some way and flirt with him. She hugs him in front of me, kisses his cheek, etc. I want to crawl into a hole and hide, but I don’t you know why? I have to be strong I can’t let her know that she is hurting me. If they date I will lie straight through my teeth and saying congrats I am happy for you, just so I can ruin her fun. Evil huh? ;)

Walking to the bus is the worst, so many people around you being stupid. Ilsa is coming to my house tonight, her parents went away on a trip to florida I think and they will be gone for like a week or two so she’s staying at my house until they get back. “This is gonna be so funnnnnnnn” she screams jumping up and down “course it is we get to have like a never ending sleep over” I scream back laughing really hard. We both are hyper now as we get on the bus and we are dancing and be naughty all the way to my house, we tell people to suck our ass, everything. Screaming and running off the bus Ilsa trips me, She says on accident but I don’t know, but I fall and land face first into a puddle of mudd. I stand up glaring at her  “You know I heard mud is good for your skin, so.. you should be thanking me” she weakly informs me of this. I shake my head and wipe mud off my face looking at it then her, I see her eyes go wide as she relizes what I am about to do. I threw the mud as if I was a monkey flinging my shit at her. “Nailed it!” I exclaim when it comes in contact with her face. She looks at me and tackles me laughing, we fall to the ground crying of laughter. Ilsa slathers me up with mud all down my shirt and she put it all in my hair, “You dirty girl” I wink at her, I found a bucket and filled it with mud dumping it on her head as she screams. “I GIVE UP YOU HOE!” she yells and I laugh so hard I snort. We finally end up going to the house and hoseing ourselves off because Mammie (my grandmother) wouldn’t let us in if we didn’t.

“5 scary movies and a seance later..” I say about to piss myself “Come with me to the bathroom I have to pee” I whine Ilsa doesn’t move or respond and I hear her snore. I silently kill her in my head for falling asleep on me, whatever I’ll wake her up. “Ilsa” she doesn’t reply, I say her name three more times.. still no reply. I smack her on her face harder than I thought I would and she jolted up. “WHAT THE NARTS WAS THAT!” she yells I smack her again answering her question and to let her know to shut the fuck up. :) I’m nice. “... I just wanted you to come to the bathroom with me…” I say with a cheeky grin, she just looks at me and laughs/groans.. then goes back to sleep like it never happened… Like what the hell.. I still have to pee…