The Mirror

Complicated.

It's hard to know how someone feels, it's even harder to know how you feel about something so important that you just shut down and hide, like a turtle in a shell. It's hard to to even describe my feelings towards everything. I don't even understand so how can other people? Niall might think he knows me but he doesn't. He doesn't know that my hearts broken. He doesn't know anything about me. I know he wants to but I don't know how to explain.

Ilsa walks into my room and jumps on my bed, her smile going from ear to ear. "Why are you so happy? does it have to do with why you are late coming home?" I asked getting more and more curious as I impatiently sat their while she beemed at me. "So you know gawk?... well.... okay HE FUDGING KISSED ME!!!!!!" She screamed the last part at me and all I could do as I fell backwards was laugh. "Are you guys dating now?" I asked still giggling "Maybeeeee..." I quirked an eyebrow at her "YES I AM MRS.FUCKING GAWK!!!!" she screamed and fell onto my bed doing a happy dance. "hahaha I honestly don't know why I am friends with you sometimes hahahaha" I laugh and then I hear a 'DING' come from my phone. I grab it and just stare at the screen. I don't know what to feel or think or if I should even breath. "What is it?" Ilsa asks and I shake my head. She grabs my phone and looks. "Holy Shit" She whispers "are you gonna go?" She asks and I shrug my shoulders trying to bring air back into my lungs. "You should, You never know what'll happen" She says and I nod "Yeah your right I might as well" I say shaking "well you need to go get ready you have like 15 minutes before you should leave." I nod again and shakily stand and go to my closet, I grab a sweatshirt and jeans. "No no no no," Ilsa says grabbing my clothes out of my hand and tossing them to the floor, she then proceeds to my closet and grabs a gray and blue crop top and a pair of high waisted shorts. "This is what you wear." She says and throws them at me and grabs my converse. I put them on and then she drags me to the bathroom, "10 minutes left" she says and then takes out my mascara, my foundation, my comb, and my hair straightener.

—10 minutes later—

I step out of my car and shakily shut the door. The first thing I see is camo, and a orange and black hat. I used to think the same things over and over again everyday for the past 3 months, I used to say this to myself all the time. "The absolute worst feeling in the entire world is being heartbroken. I feel such an intense pain that I don't even want to live anymore. Heartbreak literally feels like someone stabbing a knife into my chest and twisting it repeatedly. I never knew why they called it "heartbreak" until I experienced it. That feeling you get in your stomach, when your heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died. It feels like everything is meaningless without them. Your friends and family are there for me and try to make me laugh and be okay again, but the only person that can make me feel better is the only person that won't be there for me. It is like life is over and that there is nothing to look forward to. I even dread thinking about the next month or the months to come after that. I cannot possibly imagine life in the next semester. There are times when I think it will be good and nice and I will be doing the things I like, but then I know what is the point I will probably die in misery for one I do not have any real friends that I can trust completely, and two he won't be here and I will miss him. I will more than miss him." I think about that every single damn day. But now here I am questioning myself. Why did he want to meet me? Does he just want to tell me to leave him alone? I look straight at him and he walks up to me. "Carli" his voice wavers, "..." Pause "Alan," I shakily say weakly smiling "Why did you want me to meet you?" I ask shoving my hands into my pockets and eyeing the surroundings. We are in the Leavitt parking lot, It's after school so there are teams practicing on the fields. "Because I wanted to talk to you about something." He says stepping closer, I choke on my spit a little bit and blink. "What about?" I ask "Us." He says the word so cautiously "Us?" I ask and he nods. "I miss you." He says

—————————Imma leave it there lol——————

I'm obsessed with that song by the way.