Way Ward

3:02 AM

I feel like I'm drowning
The world around is dark and cold
I'm gasping for air
I can't breathe
There's so much air.

The winter
Is a season I love
I hope I freeze
Isn't that better than burning?

Cold hands, cold heart
Cold warmth
My parents love me
Their love scares me
Their love scars me.

Too many expectations
Give me another chance
Can I make you proud?

I'm sad
I'm lonely
I'm breaking
I'm bleeding
Hold me, hold me, hold me
Make me whole again.

My skin peels off of my bones.

UNLOVED
Someone screams at the back of my mind.

DestroyMeShatterMeRuinMeBurnMeDevastateMeKillMe
I keep on repeating.

Save me, I cry, I shout
Heal me, I whisper
No one hears.

I wish I didn't ache so much.

I wish, I wish, I wish,
I keep on wishing.

I dream
I'm happy
Then I wake up.

It's night
The moon listens to my stories
Shares some of hers.

She loved the sun
But he does not let her shine on her own
He claims to own her
She hates him now.
But she loved him once.

I have dark thoughts
These dark thoughts have me,
I'm afraid of letting go
I'm tired of holding on.

I hope and I hope
I hope there's something inside me to love
I hope there's someone outside to love me.

I hope I'm worth loving
Of the clothes that I'm wearing
And the food that I'm eating
And the space that I'm taking
And the air that I'm breathing still.

I ask the question, "Do I deserve to live?"
It echoes.

A thunder claps before the answer
I don't hear it,
The answer scares me more than the thunder.

I want and I want and I want
I want so much
Do I want too much?

I miss you
I miss us.

I think of ways to turn into a disaster
I counts days till catastrophe consumes the world
I weave illusions to distract myself from the pain
I weave too much.

What is real? What is real? What is real?
Is the sorrow real?
Is the grief real?
I don't like the reality
So I create another.

I want so much
I don't get it
I can't take it anymore

I feel like I'm drowning
But at the same time I'm dying of thirst.