In My Head

T.C. ~ Logan

We moved hundreds of miles just so Kaden could have another doctor experiment with him like a lab rat. EEG, that's the one where they hook him up to a computer and give him seizures on purpose. Like he doesn't have enough seizures as it is. The last time he had that test, his seizures got worse instead of better.

"Before you go, I just have a couple questions about the Quality of Life Survey," the doctor—Evans—says. "If you'd like, we can speak in private?"

Kaden doesn't answer him.

"Kaden?" Evans says.

Kaden stares blankly. That paperwork from the doctor slips out of Kaden's hand and floats to the floor.

I feel a jolt, like someone punched me.

Kaden's head sags, and he slumps forward. I grab his shoulder—he's totally limp and falling hard. He jerks out of my grasp and face-plants on the floor, landing with his right arm pinned underneath his body.

"Oh god!" Mom says.

I clench my jaw to keep from swearing as I shove Kaden's chair away and drop to my knees next to him. My wristwatch says 3:24. I start my stopwatch to time the seizure.

Dr. Evans comes down to the floor with me and Mom kneels next to us. Before Dr. Evans can do anything to help, Mom says, "We've got this, Dr. Evans. Thank you, but you can let us handle it."

I gape at her, and the Doctor does too. Mom's eyes lock onto me. She takes a big breath and nods at me, and I remember. Kaden is my responsibility now. I need to show Mom that I can keep him safe.

Kaden tenses up all over and grunts like the wind got knocked out of him. He arches his back, jolts, and thumps his forehead against the floor.

My heart jumps into my throat as he mashes his face into the floor over and over again. I can't sit here and watch him hurt himself, but I could make it worse if I try to roll him onto his side while he's jolting around like this. I don't know what to do.

Kaden head butts the floor again, and I snap out of it. I put my hands on Kaden's shoulders and pin him down so he can't arch his back and slam his face into the floor anymore. My arms tremble from holding him. It looks like he's getting electrocuted.

Dr. Evans gets up and stands over us with his arms crossed, looking all disapproving. That's when I realize I'm holding Kaden down. He might not be hitting his head anymore, but he's still rubbing his face against the carpet, and I'm probably hurting his shoulders.

I let him go without a second thought. Instead I put my hands between his forehead and the floor. His head jolts around so hard I almost expect him to bite his tongue and bleed all over. It looks like he's dying. Somehow it seems way worse than they usually are, like the first seizure he had. Maybe it's just because I'm taking care of him on my own here. I breathe deep and clench my jaw.

Dr. Evans walks across the room and takes a pillow from the checkup table. He holds it out to me, his eyes on Kaden. Why didn't I think of that? I snatch the pillow from him and slide it between Kaden's head and the floor.

I can't watch this anymore, so I squeeze my eyes shut and listen to my heart pound. Left with nothing to do, I realize with a start that I'm shaking too. I cross my trembling arms over my chest and duck my head. No one will help me. I have to take care of him. I take another deep breath and open my eyes.

Kaden isn't jolting around anymore. I'm worried he'll suffocate on the pillow. I grab his trembling shoulder and push him over, but I hold him on his right side so he won't choke on his spit. I lean over to look at his face. His eyes are wide open and twitching, like he's watching a bug fly around in front of his face.