Cardinal

Bonus Chapter-Damian

Damian

I felt like I was fucking up at every turn. I had all these conflicting emotions inside me and it felt like I was 16 again and just coming into terms with my ability. I have to deal with my own emotions plus everyone's emotions with her. It was hard to think straight when I knew how my unit felt about her, and how I felt about her and how she feels about me, all mixing in a pot of unweariness inside. 

I loved her.

The pain of her abandonment still lingered in my heart like a splinter that I can't seem to remove. 

Above all else, every time I see her, it seemed like the first time I first took a glance at her. Without even holding her hand that first time, I knew. 

I knew that she was mine and I was hers. 

I had no words to describe what she meant to me and what I felt about her. 

The closest thing I can describe is the first Christmas morning I remember when I looked out outside my window and it was snowing. It was when I felt the most excited but also the most at peace in my life. 

She made me feel like that: excitement and peace. 

Though I tried to mend my broken heart with Sicily, all thoughts of her disappear when Lilac walks into the room. 

Knock. Knock. 

"Can I come in?" There was a soft and feminine voice from the other side of the door which can only belong to Lilac. 

Even through the barrier of my door, I can feel her. 

Her anger. Her frustration. Her guilt. Her sadness. Her love.

They all slam into me like a strong force in my chest, knocking the breath out of my lungs and propagating the longer she stands on the other side of the door. Pulling me towards my cardinal. The only one meant for me. 

As much as I'd like to be angry at her for her abandonment, the guilt and sadness were unmistakable every time she walks into the room and it topples every other emotion from anybody else. It was almost suffocating.

Which begs the question, what did she have to feel guilty and sad for?

I look at the door, debating whether or not to ignore her or talk to her. I grab my imaginary bag of feelings off of the floor and walk towards the door to let her in. 

As soon as I open the door, I knew it was a mistake. 

Her emotions flooded me like a tsunami, and it rocked me to my core like an earthquake. Nonetheless, I swallowed it all up, and pushed it down, putting on a mask that revealed nothing to her. 

Even without being an empath, the apparent emotion in her eyes gave her feelings away. The haunting look in her eyes never goes away and even though I wanted to question her further about what exactly happened to her and her parents, something was holding me back. Maybe it was her haunting eyes that seemed to make me pause in my every action. Every time I think about questioning her further, something muddles my brain. 

I knew deep down that she didn't want to leave. 

How can she have left and come back like this? Her eyes...they've seen too much. Her too calm demeanor sometimes and the way she just bottles up everything.  That wasn't the Lilac that left. The person standing in front of me was a shell of her former self. 

I didn't say anything and just kept staring at her, not really knowing what to say. 

She looked like she had just come out of the shower, her brown hair was still damp and dripping with water. 

"Can we talk?" There was desperation, almost pleading in her voice. Her emotions slammed into me again. Guilt. Sadness. Frustration. Longing. Love. 

There it was again. 

I nodded and rubbed my face with my hand. 

She stood in the middle of my sitting room, alternating between looking at me and then looking down on the ground. 

Right now, she looked like that Christmas morning again. She still looked like the first time I saw her. Slightly different but her presence still evoked the same emotions out of me. My heart was beating almost out of my chest with nervousness and our link was just snapping with the electricity between us. 

She was talking but her words weren't registering in my mind. I felt the strong need to keep her in my arms at all times. To touch her. To kiss her. To keep her safe and away from those who might have hurt her or might hurt her in the future. 

"Damian?" Her soft voice reels me back into reality. 

"Huh?" 

"I said, I want to fix things between us." she looks up at me with determination on her face. 

I shouldn't have said the things I said earlier. I shouldn't have raised my voice to her like that. I felt guilty about my actions. Feeling her guilt and sadness only amplified my own guilt about the situation. 

"I know, I'm sorry," I tell her earnestly, huffing out a sigh of frustration. "I'm sorry about yelling at you and I'm sorry about Sicily. I will talk to her and put a stop to all of this."

I felt the rug being pulled out under me with the things that everyone was saying about Sicily earlier today. There was overwhelming evidence and turning a blind eye to her actions had to stop. She wanted to harm Lilac, and that was not okay. She's been trying to reach me today, but I still haven't formulated a plan on how to broach the subject with her. 

I still felt this obligation to her and the guilt of having these feelings and living under the same roof as Lilac was pulling me in all kinds of emotional directions. 

Lilac gives me a sad smile. 

"I apologize for yelling at you too." She closes her eyes and opens her eyes with a small smile. I feel the overwhelming sadness under her facade. 

"I know it must be difficult with Sicily and I'm putting you in a difficult position, so with that, I apologize as well. I know you're doing the best you can with the situation we are all in." 

With the last sentence, she quickly exits my room and quietly closes the door behind her. 

I couldn't speak. Her sadness was overwhelming my brain and I couldn't figure out why I had such a reaction to her. 

Though she tried to shut the link down that was between us, there was no arguing the heartbreak that she was trying to hold back like a dam. 

As she walks further and further away, all I could feel was the emptiness and the sadness that her obvious absence has precipitated. 

Now, I'm left wondering, how the fuck do I fix things with her?