Cardinal

Bonus Chapter- Damian

I lay in my unmade bed, trying but failing to keep control of my emotions. It threatens to spill over but I stop it again and again.  

My head was empty, unable to think of anything to say to her, the way I've treated her now knowing everything she has sacrificed and gone through. 

Because the truth is that I was a pathetic man using the excuse of being angry at her for leaving for all my actions, when in truth, I was just insecure. 

I didn't deserve her and any type of apology or explanation won't even make up for any of it. I can't bear to see the look in her eyes or feel what she feels toward me because I don't deserve it. I can feel the complexity of her emotions with her simultaneous sadness, anger, longing and most of all, love. It was so strong that I could barely discern the other emotions.

"You're so fucking pathetic," I whisper to myself. 

You weak thing. My mother's demeaning voice echoes in my head and my anger bubbles up again as I think of her almost militaristic style of verbal abuse growing up. 

She was consistent, I'll give her that.  

Finally confronting my family regarding what happened with Lilac had brought about my hidden memories growing up, reminding me why I rarely kept in touch with them. But it'd also wrought open a can of worms from my childhood. 

So I sit here wallowing in my feelings because I hate myself and the only girl I truly ever love is back again because she's just that type of person. Her love knows no bounds and I've been sitting here for weeks thinking about why I even deserve to be linked to someone like her. 

If I could sever the bond between us without hurting her, I would. She doesn't deserve this. 

I'm spiraling down into a world of self-deprecating thoughts when a gentle knock cuts through the process. Not one of the other guys knocks that gently and I can feel her through the door. 

Lilac. 

Fuck. I curse, nervousness flittering in my stomach. What do I even say? What do I do? Every time she tries to talk to me, I fuck it up and end up hurting her more. 

Shooting straight up from my bed, I stop a few feet at the door and start pacing, burning a hole through the intensity of my gaze at the door knob. 

She knocks again but I just stay frozen in place, unable to decide what to do. 

"Grow some balls, you bastard," I whisper to myself again, gathering up the courage to turn the doorknob and hope that she's still there after waiting a few minutes.

When the door opens, I gulp as she stands there chewing on her bottom lip mirroring the uncertainty that I was also feeling. But she stands there, still in Steel's shirt looking as beautiful as the day I met her. I feel my heart kickstart, beating irregularly as she waits for me to say something. 

I should say something right? Why is this so fucking hard?

I can't find the words so I stare at her, embarrassment flooding my brain with the development of my sudden mute-ness. 

"Uhm..." I start. Okay, good start with actual sounds coming out of my mouth, I encourage myself to go further. 

"Come on in?" My voice lilts a little at the end, making it sound like a question and I mentally chastise myself again. 

Good fucking job embarrassing yourself more. 

She looks at me with a puzzled look on her face as she crosses the threshold to my bedroom.