red vs blue season 1 male oc

Reds Get a Delivery

Pan out on Grif , Alex ,and Simmons  who are approaching another Red soldier sarge clad in red armor.

Sarge: Hurry up, ladies. This ain't no ice cream social.

Simmons: Ice cream social?

Simmons and Grif exchange looks.

Cut to Sarge.

Sarge: Stop the pillow talk, you two. Anyone want to guess why I gathered you here today?

Grif: Uh, is it because the war's over and you're sending us home?

Sarge: (Sarcastically) That's exactly it, Private. War's over. We won. Turns out you're the big hero and we're gonna hold a parade in your honor. I get to drive the float, and Simmons here IS IN CHARGE OF CONFETTI!

Grif: I'm no stranger to sarcasm, sir.

Sarge: Goddamn it, Private! Shut your mouth or else I'll have Simmons slit your throat while you're asleep!

Simmons: Oh I'd do it, too.

Alex: that's morbid 

Simmons: Shut the fuck up

Sarge: quit arguing  I know you would, Simmons. Good man. (brief pause) Couple of things today, ladies. Command has seen fit to increase our ranks here at Blood Gulch Outpost Number One.

Grif: Crap. We're getting a rookie.

Sarge: That's right, dead man. Our new recruit will be here within the week, but today we received the first part of our shipment from Command.

Alex: (annoyed) did we get a nother robot pack 

Grif , Alex and  Simmons exchange looks again.

Sarge turns towards a hill behind them.

Sarge: Lopez, bring up the vehicle.

A large, armor-plated, jeep-like vehicle comes over the rise with Lopez in the driver seat, who pulls up along side the Reds.

Simmons: Shotgun!

Grif/Alex: Shotgun! ( both realize there too late) Fuck.

Sarge: May I introduce our new, light reconnaissance vehicle.

Alex: wow 

Camera closes in on the front of the vehicle and starts to move left, circling it.

Sarge: quit interrupting privet It has four inch armor plating, mag bumper suspension, a mounted machine gunner position, and total seating for three. Gentlemen, this is the M12 LRV! I like to call it the Warthog.

Cut to Grif Alex and simons 

Simmons: Why Warthog, sir?

Alex:it doesn't look like a wart or a hog

Cut to Sarge.

Sarge: Because M12 LRV is too hard to say in conversation, son.

Cut to Grif.

Grif: I know, but why Warthog? I mean, it doesn't really look like a pig.

Sarge: (after a brief pause) Say that again.

Alex: it doesn't look like a fucking pig like Grif

Grif: hey and besides I think it looks more like a puma.

Sarge: What in Sam Hell is a puma? 

Simmons: Uh, you mean like the shoe company?

Grif: No, like a puma. It's a big cat, like a lion.

Sarge: You're making that up.

Grif: I'm telling you, it's a real animal!

Sarge: Simmons, I want you to poison Grif's next meal.

Simmons: Yes, sir!

Sarge: (pointing at the front of the Warthog) Look, see these two tow hooks? They look like tusks, and what kind of animal has tusks?

Cut to Grif.

Grif: A walrus.

Sarge: Didn't I just tell you to stop making up animals?!

Alex: warthog sounds like a make up animal

Cut to a view of the Reds through the scope.

Cut to Church, wielding the rifle, and Tucker, wielding a M6D pistol.

Tucker: What is that thing?

Church lowers the rifle.

Church: I don't know, man. Looks like uh.. looks like they've got some sorta car down there. We'd better get back to base and report it.

Tucker: (taken aback) A car? How come they get a car?!

Church: What are you complaining about, man? We're about to get a tank in the very next drop.

Tucker: (disappointed) You can't pick up chicks in a tank.

Church: Oh, you know what? You could bitch about anything couldn't you? We're going to get a tank, and you're worried about chicks. What chicks are we gonna pick up, man? And secondly, how are you gonna pick up chicks in a car that looks like that?

Tucker: (sighs) What kind of car is it?

Church: (looking through the scope of the ) I dunno, I've never seen a car like that before. It looks like a... uh... like a big cat of some kind.

Tucker: ...What, like a puma?

Church: Yeah, man, there you go.

Cut to Red Team.

Sarge: So unless anybody has anymore mythical creatures to suggest as a name for the new vehicle, we're going to stick with the Warthog. How about it, Grif?

Grif: No, sir. No more suggestions.

Sarge: Are you sure? How 'bout Bigfoot?

Grif: It's okay.

Sarge: Unicorn?

Grif: No really. Uh, I'm cool.

Alex: dragon?

Grif: shut the fuck up.

Sarge: Sasquatch?

Simmons: Leprechaun?

Grif: Hey, he doesn't need any help, man.

Sarge: Phoenix?

Grif: (sighs) Christ.

Fade to black.

Sarge: Hey Simmons, what's the name of that Mexican lizard? Eats all the goats.

Simmons: Uh, that would be the Chupacabra, sir.

Sarge: Hey Grif, Chupathingy! How about that? I like it. Gotta ring to it.

Alex: fuck ya