The Serene Song of The Broken Singer

Ch.IV Trixibella Morris

On the Loose, on the Loose, On THE LOOSE

Day breaks through the horizon and I lean against a tree in complete utter exhaustion. I had been running nonstop and I still felt the need to run, but I physically couldn't run anymore. I had exhausted myself completely of my wits and any further would kill me.

Being in the woods had saved me from running any further anyway. But, I had no idea where I was as I had been running aimlessly and blindly. Also, everything in the day time looked so much more different than to its night counterparts. I was completely lost if I wanted to go back. But, I didn't want to go back, so that problem was fixed.

I ran a hand through my hair and feeling the crustiness from the blood made me cringe as I could feel a rising panic in my chest. I took a few deep breaths to calm myself from my inevitable panic attack and I pushed myself off the tree determined to find a river or a lake of some kind to rinse the blood off of me. It wouldn't clean me completely of the blood on me, but it would briefly stop my obsessive-compulsive nagging thoughts, in short; it would ease me to some extent. I close my eyes and I listen closely to the nature around me.

The trees were rustling against the wind as leaves were wrinkling due to the wind or because of animals as birds could be heard chirping and small rodents running around. Nothing really stuck out as a sound of a river or water in general and so I opened my eyes and looked around myself. Everything looked somewhat dead as autumn had only started a few days ago.

I walk up to a tree and place my hand on the thunk as I observe it. It was a light brown with some hints of darkened brown outlines. Some pieces were missing and revealed a brown-red and I brushed my hand down the tree trunk as I sigh. I don't know what I was doing or what I was looking for. I had no clue on how to look for a river or a lake.

With that pessimistic thought I started to walk straight in the woods. It was my only chance in some semblance of hope to find a river or lake at some point. If not a river or lake then perhaps a town or an abandoned shed. Anything would do.

My calves were protesting as I continued to walk and I breathed out a heavy sigh as I closed my eyes briefly and pinched the bridge of my nose in irritation. I've endured worse than this. I've dealt worse than this. My lungs pinch in pain to pass another sigh through my lips but I hold it together and I continue my journey through the woods.

The air was still warm from the summer, but it was growing cold as autumn was the season now. Trees loomed over me and the branches and leaves above made onious shadows. The tree leaves were still a beautiful green, but were turning yellow and honey-orange in some of the leaves. Everything was beautiful and lively. This was a luxury that many take for granted.

Back at my old house the only trees that surrounded us were pine evergreens and everything was so bleak in color. It was like this world had no color to it whatsoever and it was bleak, hopeless, and so much more that the English language couldn't even explain. I didn't even know the full extent of the English language, but I knew enough that there were words that didn't exist in the language. I felt limited. I felt trapped. But, it didn't matter to me because it was different.

I for once felt free.

Free of the burden of the world. The burden of my parents. The burden of my siblings. The burden of the house I used to live in. The burden of the life I used to live. I finally felt free from it all and it almost made me want to jump in joy of such unfettering thoughts, but I held myself down and continued my journey in the endless woods.

I hummed softly to myself to pass some kind of time and my stomach growled in hunger, but it growled in such a quiet tone. It was used to neglect. It was used to starvation. My head was feeling light though and my vision was blurring in and out as my body shivered in coldness. I know at this point my body was probably eating itself, but I didn't care as I continued forward. I would rather feel this way than have my obsessive-compulsive thoughts eat away at my mind and I find peace that I haven't once heard a single word from those thoughts, but only heard the thoughts of hunger.

It was a sweet pleasure that I never get to truly get to feel.

It was a gift and I would enjoy it for as long as I could. For who knows how long my hunger will distract my mind before my obsessive-compulsive thoughts come to haunt me once more. It was peace and that's all I could ask for as I was still covered in blood. My skin was on fire at knowing there was blood still on me, and sure it also twisted, but I felt relatively calm.

As I continued to walk through the woods I noticed I had started to walk in a weird way and maybe it had to do with the fact that I was conscious of how I walked. My hands were hanging loosely by my sides, but they were moving stiffly as my feet marched and dragged themselves with no sense or pattern to them. It was like I was Frankenstien's monster.

A smile graces my lips at the mere thought and I shake my head. It was silly. Childish. But, it brought warmth to my heart as those good times, I would not forget them. I was never allowed to read a book before my brother was born. I was never allowed to watch TV. But, when my mother had learned she was pregnant with another child the family came together as some sublemce of a normal functional family.

My father would come home and take care of my mother and my sister and I. My mother would cook and clean. My sister was nice to me and cared for me. I for once had no nightmares for that brief period of time. Mother made it her soul job to read to my sister and I and it was like all those years of hard labor and abuse were gone in a second.

Then my brother was born.

The abuse came forth and the hard labor was back. My sister grew distant once again as my mother no longer cared for her children any longer. My mother and father's relationship fell back down the drain and everything is back the way it used to be. We were once again a dysfunctional family because of our outer family, our relatives. Our family only took in the 'purebloods' of the family and treated them like royalty.

The rest were left as outcasts.

Many individuals either died or the family was cut out of the family tree to be forgotten. It was a cruel fate to live by, but it kept the strong from the weak, or that's what I've heard from my great aunt Teresa. She loved my mother dearly as her own child, but when my mother gave birth to no 'heirs' my mother was left abandoned in her shambling marriage.

I shake the thoughts from my head and I continue my path on the long path ahead of me.