The Socialites. [✖]

(REVISED) 6. Self-Hate

Revised Version: Self-Hate

Jordan

New York City

The ice that flowed through my veins couldn't match the rapid thumping in my chest, no room to breathe as the walls began to crumble. 

Pushed my back against the stonewall as I hung my head low. Eyes squeezed shut, fist tighten, and jaw clenched.

Hate consumed my thoughts like a poisonous venom. The news of Nate's death managed to infuriate every fiber within my bones. He didn't deserve to leave this earth abdicated of his sins. No, I should've been the one to witness his last breaths, ensuing that he'd endure the same agony my mother felt. 

I wasn't sure what I hated more, the fact that Nate's dead or the way I felt some sort of sympathy for the motherfucker. 

Part of me always ran from the pain of my past believing that I've made it far enough, yet no matter the distance the pain anchored itself closer each time. And there was nothing I wanted more than to escape it...

"Jordan you alright?" Katie's voice brought me back down to reality. Her face of concern grabbed my attention immediately realizing I had been motionless in the shower for quite some time. 

Shaking my head of its intrusive thoughts I tried to reassure her. "Yeah just jetlagged from the flight". 

By the look on Katie's face, she hadn't completely bought my excuse but went along with it for my sake thankfully. "Well redeyes do tend to have that effect on people".

 She untied her robe exposing herself standing before me, her eyes never broke contact from mine as she slipped inside. 

"How come you didn't wake me when you came in?" She questioned straightforwardly. 

"You slept so peacefully...I didn't wanna disturb you" I answered her truthfully making her roll her eyes playfully. Her arms gripped around my sides as I instinctively embraced her closer allowing her head to rest on my chest. "You know you don't have to hide from me Jordan" 

I felt a tiny blow from Katie's comment. As much as I hated to admit it, she was completely right. I wanted to be there for Katie yet pulled away whenever she tried to be there for me. Deep down she wouldn't understand the level of dysfunction and struggle I endured in my early years. 

Would she look at me differently if I told her the truth? 

That was an answer I'd live just fine without ever discovering, besides revisiting the past was the last thing I wanted to do. But with the weight of Nate's death anchored in my chest, unwilling to disappear. 

"Babe trust me I'm just tired" I whispered right above her head internally cursing myself for not being honest with her. "And I'm here....I'll always be right here". 

I could tell Katie bought my reply as she hummed in response. 

"On a brighter note, I bought a new outfit for you to wear to the luncheon!" She perked up grabbing her pink loofah and soap beginning to wash herself. "What's wrong with my usual clothes? I thought you liked my style" I rose a brow at her. 

"No I do!" Katie quickly defended. "It's just that most of the people at the luncheon aren't just VS models but they're fashion designers and guru's up on the latest trends. That would be like bringing last year's model to the car show!".