Always (Levi X transmasc reader)

Chapter 7

I step out of the shower and look at myself in the blurry mirror. The person I see has long, blond hair, big breaths, wide hips and many scars on their body. I hate this person so much. That's just not me. I'm not supposed to look like that. I sight. There I remember the bandages in the little shelf under the sink. I know I'm not supposed to do this and that this is everything but healthy...But better than this awfull disphoria. Quickly I start to dry myself up, before craming the huge packatche of bandages out of the little shelf. Slowly I start to wrap it tightly around my chest until the entire role is empty. I turn aside to check how well it work and I'm defintly flatter than I was before. I sight, before I start to put my closes on, put my hair into a semi-good man bun. I look at myself in the mirror and smile a little. At least its a little better now. I open the bathroomdoor where my mother stands right infront of me with the worst look on her face. ,,Show me your arms.", she says and my eyes widen. ,,I didn't do anything!", I reply and try to hide my upcoming panic. ,,I found bloody tissius in you room. Show me or I'm taking you phone away." I take a deep breath before pulling my sleeves up, exposing all the fresh cuts. ,,Okay, you're not going anywhere alone anymore.", my mother says and I bite my teeth together. ,,Why?", I ask completely upset and her face turnes into pure anger. ,,It was you own choice to do that again, so you have to live with the consequences!" I wanna say something, but I know this won't do anything, so I just run into my room and close the door behind me. ,,Yeah, now I'm a terrible mother again! It's everything my fault!", I hear Mom shouting and feel tears coming into my eyes. With shaking hands I grab the blade out of the pencil sharpener I took apart, dig it into my skin and harshly slide it through it. The pain runs through my entire body over and over again, until I realise I can't stay here. Quickly I whipe most of the blood away with a tissiu, before craming out my phone and calling Levi. ,,Hey", I hear him saying and try to calm my breath down. ,,Hey, Levi. Are you at home?" ,,Yeah, why?" ,,Can I come over? Only, if it's okay for you." ,,Sure, but why?" I sight. ,,I just can't stay here right now." Silence for a second. ,,Pack your stuff, you can stay as long as you want. Will you tell me what's going on?" ,,Not now. Later, okay? See you later." ,,Yeah, see you. And D/N?" ,,Yeah?" ,,Take care of yourself." With these words he hangs up and I look at my phone for a second, before jumping up and picking my backpack up from the ground. As fast as I can I throw some clothes and my laptop inside it and put on jacket and shoes. There I remember that I probably should leave a latter, or else I'm causing just unnessecary trouble. 

I'm at Levi's, so don't worry.

D/N

Yeah, that should be enough. With a sight I open the window and jump through it. We don't live very high, so it's completely fine. And then I just run. I'm actually really glad that Levi doesn't live faar away from me, so I'm there after not even five minutes. With shaking hands I ring on the doorbell and wait for a few seconds until it gets opend and Levi stands infront of me. ,,Sorry, I just didn't know where else to go.", I say quitely and look at my feet. ,,It's fine. Now come in, before you catch a cold." I look up to him again and enter the apartment. The raven leads me into his room and I don't know what to do, so I just take of my jacket and shoes and place my backpack on the floor. Levi sits on his bed and pats next to him, so I sit there. He slides his hand over my arms and I flinch together at the sudden pain. ,,D/N?", he asks sceptic and I bite my teeth together. ,,Is that why you ran away from home? Are you hurting youself?", Levi asks with a calm voice and I feel tears filling my eyes. No, don't cry. I'm not able to answer in words, so I just pull my sleeves up and show him the scars and cuts on my arms. I don't even look at his face. ,,I knew something was going on.", he just says and I bite my lip, so I don't start to cry. ,,This looks bad. Wait, I'm getting some bandages." With these words he stands up and heads out of the room. Now it's out. Maybe I'll loose now another friend to this shit again. Fuck, I'm such a terrible person. After like a minute Levi come's back again with a little packatche in his hands. He sits next to me again, opens it and pulls out a bottle of disinfectant. ,,This may burn a little.", he says and drops it on a tissiu. Carefully he applies it on my cuts and I flinch a little, but it's okay. After he's done he puts some bandages around my arms and looks at me. I think I've got some explaination to do now. But except for saying anything Levi just wraps his arms around me and pulls me closer to him. In my surprise I completely loose myself and let verything out I've been holding back the past few months. The tears just burst out of my eyes while he just keeps holding me against him. This is what I needed. Just this hug. Just a smiple hug and the world already seems a little better. I missed this feeling of comfort so much. ,,Is it better now?", Levi asks after a while and looks at me. I nood and now I  know it's the perfect point to finally tell him. ,,I-I need to tell you something.", I say and whipe some tears away from my face. The raven noods and I take a deep breath. How do I start this now? ,,You think I'm a girl, right?", I ask and Levi noods again, but seems slightly confused. ,,Well, I'm not. I'm a boy." Now he looks even more confused. ,,What?" I sight. ,,I'm transgender. Means I'm a boy born in a girl's body. It's fine, if you don't understand." He doesn't really show any kind of reaction, what kinda makes me panic. What, if he hates me now? Fuck, I shouldn't have said that. ,,Who else knows about that?", he asks after a while and I look at my hands. ,,Just Hanji. They promised not to tell you anything.", I answer and he noods. Silence again. Fuck, this is awfull. ,,Say something. Please." He sights. ,,I should've noticed. Now everything makes sence." My expression lightens up a little bit, when he suddenly lays his arm around my shoulder and looks at me. ,,Listen: I love you liek a sister, or now like a brother and I don't give a shit what gender you have. You'll always be my friend and nothing will ever change that, D/N. Or now?" I smile slightly. ,,Y/N. My name's Y/N.", I say and Levi noods. ,,That's a nice name. Suits you.", he replies and my smile becomes wider. ,,Okay, than I'll call you that now. And you go by he/him?" ,,Honestly he/they, but this is fine too." ,,Ah, okay. Let me tell you something. I've never seen you as a girl anyway." I laugh a little. I'm so happy it turned out fine. ,,Ehm...Do you know what you're wanna do with your hair?", the raven suddenly asks and I look at him confused. ,,Hm? If I could I would just cut it all off and die it black, but my mom just won't let me.", I answer and now he has a weard look on his face. ,,What do you think, if I help you out a little? I've got black hairdie and always cut my hair by myself, so I think I can do that." ,,For what the hell do you have black hairdie? I thought your hair naturally looks like that." ,,It does, but I had once the great idea to bleach it white and it didn't work out that well, so I died it back again and still had some color left. Anyway, do you want me to cut your hair now or not?" I think for a second. Of course I want him to, but something tells me my mom's gonna kill me, when she sees it. Oh, fuck it. ,,Okay, let's do it.", I finally say and Levi jumps up. ,,Okay, then come." 

2 hours later

 I look at myself in the mirror and smile. My before blond, long hair is now from a deep black and short cutted. The sides are shorter than the top, what hangs a little into my face. Just like I always wanted it. I stand up from the chair and hug Levi. ,,Thank you, you're the best.", I say and he hugs me back. ,,Great you like it.", he replies and I lean my head on his shoulder. We stay like that for a while, until I suddenly hear a cought and jerk up, just to see Kuchel standing htere with a weard look on her face. ,,This is not what it looks like!", Levi says and I have to laugh a little. ,,Nice haircut, D/N. Why did you cut all your hair off?" Now I look at my feet and don't know what to say. ,,Y/N is trans, so I helped him out with their hair. He's got some problems at home, so they're gonna stay with us for a while.", Levi says and I'm happy he spoke for me. ,,Oh, you're trans? Good to know. Anyway, I need to go again now. Love you, Levi!" ,,Yeah love you too!" With these words she leaves and leaves us alone in the bathroom.