Always (Levi X transmasc reader)

Chapter 9

Love is weard. I see all these couples walking around and ask myself how it must be to fall inlove. Completely trusting someone and knowing this one person would do anything for you and back. I can't imagene how this must be. Having someone you can hold on to and that is there for you when you're at your lowests. This must be a great feeling. There were so many times in my life where I thought I fell inlove but I just then had to realise that I was just putting my expectations to high and got dissapointed. Over the years I stopped letting anyone too close to me. I know I need someone I can trust, but I'd rather feel lonely than getting hurt. I don't know why I let it happen now. I trust Levi, but at the same time I'm afraid I'm wrong with him. Since I've told him everything I constantly have the feeling I trusted him way too much way too fast. As always. I hate the thought of him just using me for I don't know what reason. ,,Can't sleep?", he suddenly asks and I look up to him. I sit up and sight. ,,Seems like you can't eather.", I reply and look at my hands, that are laying on my thights. ,,Wanna talk about it?" I shrugg my shoulders but don't answer. Silence. ,,Did she hit you before that?", he asks after a while and I look at him again. ,,Huh? A few times.", I answer and he noods. ,,And you really didn't care to tell anyone?" ,,No, I guess that's normal, isn't it?" ,,No, it's defintly not. Parents aren't supposed to hit their kids, no matter how hard." ,,I'd hit myself too, so I kind of get why she did it." Suddenly Levi grabs my hair and his face is uncomfortable close to mine. ,,Stop saying shit like that! I'm tired of listening to you talking about yourself like you're trash, because you're not!" I'm completely shocked by his sudden moodchange. ,,Let go, you're hurting me!", I just hiss and the other lets go of my hair. A long time none of us says anything, until I decide to break the akward silence. ,,You know, I think if you get told your whole life that you're just lazy, a dissapointment and destroy everything you start to believe it yourself.", I mumble while staring into the air. I have the feeling I shouldn't have said that. ,,And you really don't have a safe person in your family?" I shake my head. ,,No. Well, I had, but he left years ago." ,,Your brother?" ,,Yeah." I sight. ,,I can't wait until I'm finally eighteen and can move out of there.", I say and throw myself back on the matress. ,,Well, until the holidays are over you don't have to go back." I smile slightly. ,,Is that really okay? I mean, I don't wanna bother you so much.", I ask and Levi looks down at me. ,,You don't bother anyone, so don't worry. And you know what?" ,,Hm?" ,,Don't think I didn't notice what you're always doing at night when you think I'm asleep." 

Maybe I shouldn't have said that, but it's just something that has ben bothering me. I find it scary how he cuts deep into his skin without showing any reaction. Not even a flinch. ,,I...I didn't know.", Y/N says, clearly uncomfortable. I wish I could do something about his little 'hobby', but I can't do anything than just taking care of their wounds, so they don't get infected. ,,Aren't there any other things that help you?", I ask and the other shruggs his shoulders. ,,There is, but I think that's kinda weard." ,,And what is it?" ,,You really wanna know?" ,,Yeah." Y/N sights and smiles cringing. ,,I write questionable, hardcore gay smut. It helps with distracting. Call me weard, I don't care.", he says and I furrow my brows. ,,What means 'questionable?" They laugh a little and go through his hair. ,,Ugh, I don't know. Rape, degrading and toxic stuff." ,,Okay, that's really kinda weard." ,,Told you." A long time none of us says anything until I swing my legs out of my bed and climb over the matress Y/N is sitting on. ,,Where are you going?", he asks while I open the door of my room. ,,I'm just getting some bandages, before your gets get infected.", I answer and they nood understanding. ,,Ah, okay." I sight, before sneaking out of my room towards the kitchen. When I'm there I cram the pacatche with bandages out of the cupboard and then head back to my room. I shut the door behind me and kneel infront of Y/N. Without any protst he pulls his sleeves up and exposes his completely damaged arms. I still can't really believe he's doing that to himself. How can a person possibly hate themself so much that they're cutting deep wounds into their flesh and don't even seem to care? Carefully I wrap the bandages around Y/N's arms while trying to not think of anything. ,,How does it feel like? Being transgender?", I suddenly ask without me really having control over the words coming out of my mouth. My friend sights and looks away. ,,It's like looking into the mirror and seing someone else. It doesn't feel like it's your own body. It's like you're wrong. Like you're not supposed to be this way. Every single thing you do feels so unbelievably wrong and everyone around you treats you like a person you just aren't. You keep questioning your entire existense and wish that one day your body is like it was always ment to be, but deep inside you you know this is never gonna happen. Everyone around you just tryes to force you into the gender that isn't yours and your head keeps telling you you're not masculin enough, you need to try harder and at some point you just don't care about your health anymore and try everything to make that terrible feeling go away."