December 21st, 2021, 7:30 p.m
"Why do I struggle with thinking I'm pretty?"
THAT was what sparked this.
If you are unaware, I'm a short, brownskin girl, with a rectangle build. I have a thigh gap, small chest, you get the idea.
I feel like everytime I started to think I was pretty, something would happen.
I would think I was pretty and the guy I really like went for a friend of mine, who's more developed than me and shows their body more.
I would think I was pretty then I get cheated on, or I get a really damaging nickname that made me think less of myself.
For about 2 years, I got an awful nickname of my grandfather (actually a few) one of them being "beanpole".
DO YALL KNOW WHAT A FUCKIN BEANPOLE LOOKS LIKEEEE?
or my uncle referring to me as the "short one with big feet"
Like mk I know I'm 5'1 in a size 9 you don't have to tell me bruh.
Then along with years of everytime I get complimented, its something about my looks.
Even with Mar, i realized I wanted him to see me as "fine" or "sexy" because I'd seen him call other girls that (and them being the girls he decided to cheat with but i digress)
Even when he encouraged me to get hoes, it wasn't fulfilling. Boys calling me fine and sexy but I knew what they wanted from me. So it was empty to me.
Even in my own family, all the women or either bigger women (and its hard for me to gain weight so-) or what a black women's body "should" look like. Thick thighed heavy chested GIRLS.
HOW TF ARE YOU MY AGE (or fuckin younger) IN A DD ?
Now when my household was filled with everything we don't eat now, I'll admit I had more hips.
Everyone points out how thin I am. I didnt realize how fuckin damaging it was for me.
How much it hurt...
The names, the jokes, they hurt.
It hurts seeing your s/o has a type (VERY OBVIOUSLY AS WELL but i digress) that its the complete opposite of how you look.
That's why I don't feel pretty, because it was either my skin (especially when I was younger I got bullied a lot for being dark) or my body.
Then having ONLY my body called pretty.
....is that the only attractive part of me?
Is not everything else I could give not attractive? The fact I can paint and make things out of clay and I'm trying to dip my hands in a little of everything, is that not attractive?
Is my body the only attractive part of me?
Only how much sexual pleasure you could get? Is that it?
But I digress.
~J
