HEAVY

PRETEND

I'm back to pretending

nothing's wrong.

If I could

I'd be playing the same song

on repeat.

but it's been weeks

since the music has been gone.

I'll imagine

that I'm fine.

That, for a second,

I'm not borderline,

Until I'm back on the brink.

I need a drink

to not think

or miss.

the people I've kissed.

I'm sinking.

I want to forget

how you felt in my bed

so my mind flashes back

to the rope

that was wrapped

too tight around your neck.

I must have been next

because I'm close to death.

I want to forget.

I want to forget

that I don't know why

he was there

when I opened my eyes.

It had been months

since we'd texted

on the side.

But he didn't let me die.

I wonder why...

I have this fear

that everyone will up

and leave me here.

Is it because

this time last year

we ended?

That bridge is burned

not mended.

but I'm over it.

I'm over it.

My mind switches quick

and quite frankly

I'm not that innocent.

I'm with someone, now

for longer than we went out

and honestly I'm

not sure how

she managed to tie me down.

Probably because

I cut the loose ends

that tied me to people

I called friends.

In hindsight -

my decisions were right

but their voices rack

my brain at night.

There's so much in my head.

Thoughts waiting

to be fed

with my attention.

A hole I don't want to fall in.

So, I wrap up

alone in bed.

Close my eyes

to try to pretend

that my wounds don't bleed

But then I see you in my dreams.