HEAVY

120 SECONDS INSIDE MY HEAD

I can't condense myself into a poem.

but I'm trying

to squeeze into the boxes

that aren't supposed to be this tight.

I reset every night

and wake up as someone I don't recognise.

when I'm a version that people like -

I'm afraid to close my eyes

because I'm likeable when I'm high.

just as long as I don't try to fly

(because then I'm "too much")

and anything can push me

right over the edge

because I keep seeing death

even though

I'm the exception

somehow...

I don't have an answer to that right now,

but maybe I will tomorrow?

I can't predict

what version of me will fill this fucking hollow

shell of a 'girl' that I don't know at all.

I miss seeing parts of me

scattered on the wall, you see

now it's all inside of me

and it's filling up

and I can't breathe.

it's bigger

and bigger

the scale is breaking

don't cry now -

your image is shaking.

It's dark outside

and time to sleep

but not knowing who I am when I wake scares me.

so keep this going

the words are flowing

and spill

spill

spill everything.

give it out, 'till there's nothing left.

If you hand out your heart

then it's not theft

and trade off stories

and thoughts

and songs but

careful!

don't say something wrong.

honestly? it doesn't matter much anyway

when they'll always have something to say,

and really their thoughts

are none of your business

so can we be sure that they are who they insist?

how do we know that they are like you?

are there reasons for the things that we say and do?

I think

I've lost track

of why this all started

I've gone on for too long

I might just discard this

I'm not even sure

what the fuck

I've just said.

nothing makes sense.

I wish I were