Swapped ☹ Muke

07

:: Michael ::

I sat on Luke's bed fiddling with his guitar strings in attempt to play something to keep my mind off other things because I couldn't simply harm Luke's body like I do to my own -- I would feel horrible for doing it.

I was crying, not like I normally do which leads to a panic attack but more of a "I just need to let everything out because I bottle myself up way too often."

I didn't want my crying to lead to thinking because that's where it always takes a turn for the worst and Luke's body didn't deserve to suffer, hell he didn't deserve to suffer by being in my presence. I don't see how Calum and Ashton stand me the way that they do, they act like I'm such a good person, like I'm an amazing friend and they love me.

But I know it's all fake, they hate me just like Luke does, like everybody does.

Who would really want me, I'm utterly worthless and everybody knows it except my mom who still believes I'm her angel, I just keep trying to fly away from her but she's not ready to let go.

She told me she would clip my wings to keep me by her side, because I was brought into this world by her and she gave me all her love -- and she wasn't ready to let it go, she wouldn't bury her own child.

All I wanted to do was prove her wrong, because I'm sure angels may have their own demons -- anybody and everybody does -- but an angel doesn't become their own demons.

"Fucking hell." I whispered wiping my nose on Luke's sleeve and studied his pale wrist a blank canvas -- my mind flickered to images of my own wrists, of my thighs, everything that proved how I'd let people get to me.

I wanted to ruin his perfect wrist, to show him what he did to mine -- but I shook the feeling off and now sat with a guitar in hand and tears streaming down my cheeks.

So instead I decided to sing, and with singing I found a relatable song at the moment.

I sang Therapy by ATL and then contained the flow with Keep Myself Alive by Get Scared. Something about the lyrics connected to me, maybe it was because I felt the struggle and it just caught onto me, it understood me. Or maybe it was the comfort of knowing others struggle like I do, it reminds me that I'm only human.

By time I'd reached the last note my tears had dried and I felt a small twitch of a smile, I've always loved to sing when I'm sad but hearing Luke's voice sing the lyrics made my heart skip a beat -- because his voice just so happened to sound perfect singing along to emotional songs.

I remembered one of Luke's rules, the one about not starving himself and scampered up from the bed -- I hadn't eaten all day, and if it were myself I wouldn't mind but being Luke I couldn't do that to him.

As I stepped out of Luke's room my own door opened as I noticed the way Luke's -- my -- eyes were glazed over and he seemed completely dazed, and I knew what that meant. "Fuck, titties, shit on a stick, goddamnit, ah motherfucking ass sucking crusty vagina." I murmured a string of profanities as I followed Luke towards the bathroom.

He was about to push the door open as I swallowed slowly pinching my eyes shut as my throat locked up.

"Gordon no." I screeched as Luke halted.

He turned around to look at me with a smirk.

"Why Mikey, shouldn't Lukey be getting to know you?"

I flinched hearing the familiar voice that gave me nightmares -- well one of them though I was occupying the other.

"P-please don't make him do it, I promise when things are fixed I-I'll let you do whatever you want." I mumbled watching as Luke's -- my -- face brightened dramatically.

He began to slowly clap as he paced towards me, the smirk never leaving his face.

"Look at that, the faggots protecting his crush, eh?" He shook his head as he poked a finger harshly at my chest, "well guess what, he could never love you."

And just like that Luke dropped in my arms like another time Gordon took over, instant reflexes told me to clutch him tightly and soothe him when he awoke being completely confused, but logic told me he would murder me for doing so -- and I went with logic and laid him on the floor before walking back to his room and acting like nothing happened.