Amnesia • Bonten

♛··⛧ "(Y/N)"'S LETTER

To (Y/n) in the future,

I take that the moment you found this letter, you have decided to find the clue behind your bizarre amnesia.

I realize what I did was selfish and dangerous. Consuming that drug had its own serious consequences. But I was desperate. Desperate to find the happiness I had lost long time ago. I thought this would be the best way for me to start a new life.

My past was haunting me too much for me to bear it.

I would not tell what kind of past but it was a hell on earth. Agonizing, tormenting, traumatizing. It killed me inside little by little. Even after I managed to escape from my brother's firm grasp, his presence remained haunting me. Every single terrifying, disturbing thing I witnessed starting from a very tender age lingered in my mind forever.

I couldn't move on from my past. Each day, I felt like dying. I woke up feeling nothing. My heart was a void. I felt empty inside. My feelings were numb. It felt as if my life no longer had a purpose.

I didn't look after myself. I stopped caring for my health and hygiene needs. My diet was all over the place and unhealthy. The numbness worsened. Medication didn't help anymore. The urge to kill myself was getting stronger. The voice in my head tempted me to end my life.

But I did my best to stay strong because of the people around me. Kakucho, Rai, Senju, Mia, Rindo, Ran, Haruchiyo, Takeomi, Hajime and Manjiro... They were my sole reasons to stay strong and breathing in this world.

Their smiles and laughters brightened up my life. Their presences put me at ease. Their existences reminded me that there were still people who cared about me.

But my existence made them feel miserable, as I couldn't smile together with them.

I felt guilty whenever their smiles died down because of me. Because I couldn't have fun with them normally. I couldn't put on a smile like them.

(Y/n)...I wanted to feel it again. I wanted to feel happy again. I wanted to smile again. I wanted to laugh again.

However those feelings...I forgot all of them. I forgot how to smile. I forgot how happiness felt like. I wanted those feelings back.

I wanted to feel human again.

I wanted to smile with my friends... That is why...I consumed that drug. I wished to forget my old life and start a new one.

So...allow me to ask some things...

How are you doing now? Are you going on healthy, stable diet? Can you sleep properly at night? Did you take bath three times a day?

Are you together with anyone? Maybe with your first love...if you accidentally remember him.

I hope so. I love him. I always did. But my condition forbid me from seeing him again. Or you probably have forgotten your first love and now fall for someone else..among the executives.

Whoever you love now is your choice.

It is good if you are able to love someone openly.

I once loved someone dearly but I didn't have the courage to see him again. I felt disgusted with myself. I couldn't see myself in relationship.

Because I knew it better than anyone else. I could never make him happy.

I was afraid of intimate touch. I was afraid to love someone romantically, even though I knew his intention was pure and sincere. He truly loved me...yet I couldn't return the feelings.

So please, (Y/n). Please don't ever try to discover your past. Don't attempt to remember everything again. Even if you did remember a bit of it, don't let those bad memories terrify you. I beg you. Just carry on with your new life.

Please, for my sake, for your own sake... Please lead a happy life.

So you can be together with the man you love. So you can smile with your friends.

Don't waste your time questioning your own feelings because you already know who you love. Then what are you waiting for? Go and be with them. Be happy with them.

Promise me you will be happy from now on.

PS : Please tell Rai... To never blame herself for the Amnesia I myself decided to experience.

Truthfully,
(Y/n)