Her Words, Not Mine

March 22, 2015

I've been waking up every three hours. It's really a struggle. There's nothing I can do about it. I don't have anyone to help me. The first person I would have asked for help would have been Trixie.

Beckett still isn't answering any of my phone calls. I've taken some joy in listening to his voicemail. I haven't had any communication with anyone at all since that last day.

After realizing that no one in my contact list was going to call me back, I went flipping through my parents old address book. Half of the people in it were dead and the other half were the parents of all the people in my contact list. So I'm left with my final option. I have to call Winnie.

Winnie graduated from Marymount Manhattan Nursing School two years ago. She was immediately assigned to a hospital in Manhattan and met a young new doctor, Jed. They got married six months later. Nine months later they had their first baby, Quinn. Now she's pregnant with her second baby. Last time I talked to her she was working double shifts at the hospital and Quinn hadn't slept in two days. So this oughtta be fun. 

"Hey little sister, how's life treating you?"

"It's kicking me in the gut right now." My words caused my tear ducts to burst open.

"What's wrong Birdie? What happened?" I could almost hear Mom's voice echoing through her's.

"It's Trixie," I said while wiping tears from my cheeks.

"Birdie please just tell me what happened."

"She died Winnie......she died."

The other end of the phone was silent. The I heard her sigh.

 "I'm getting plane tickets. We'll be home in a few hours."

-

I couldn't help but smile when I saw Winnie and Jed walk through the gate. It made me feel so much better. Ever since Trixie died, people have continuously shot me down and made me feel so broken on the inside. Seeing my sister, it just put some of the broken pieces back together.

While Jed handed me my eight month-old niece, Winnie dropped her things and flung her arms around my neck. I hugged her with the free arm I had and I could tell she was smiling. This is what I needed. I needed my sister.

Once we got back home, Winnie sent Jed to put Quinn to bed. 

"So have you talked to Mom and Dad?"

I shook my head looking down at my cup of coffee. 

"I've attempted but....nothing. They sent my letters back....they're ignoring my phone calls."

She laid her hand on my shoulder. 

"What about Beckett?"

His name caused me to shudder. I shook my head while setting my cup down on the table.

"So you haven't had any shoulder to lean on? No one has been here for you?"

Knowing I would probably start crying again, I grabbed my cup to put in the kitchen sink. She only followed me.

"Birdie, are they upset or are they just being mean?"

"I don't know, okay? I don't know. I don't know if Trxie did something to all of them and they're holding grudges. I don't know if they're just ignoring the weirdo who was Trixie and Beckett's third wheel. I don't know if they're just taking it hard...but-but nobody, and I mean nobody is taking it as hard as I am. Aside from you and Jed, I have no one left. Trixie was my last hope, She was my rock. And she's gone. I don't know what's gonna happen to me. What if I go crazy? What if I can't control myself because I don't have anyone to help me control myself?"

She took a step closer, leaning against the counter.

 "Birdie, you're gonna be okay. You've got us. You've got this new baby I have on the way. And you've got Bea."

I looked over at a picture of Trixie and I, thinking and thinking about Bea. 

"I can't...I can't."

I walked out of the kitchen and went back to the living room.

""Why can't you," she asked while following me and watching me organize everything on the coffee table. "You posses every quality. You know whay you're doing. You've made it this far. You're both fine."

"Winnie she doesn't like me. She never will."

"Yes she will. It's gonna take adjusting for both of you but you can do it."

Tears were still flying from my eyes as the thought of Bea clouded my brain. 

"Winnie, I don't know if I'm cut out for it...I don't know if I'm cut out to raise a child."

We both turned our head when the cries of a baby came from the back of the house. Immediately, I knew they were Bea's and I began to walk away.

"Look at that, Birdie. You already know her cry."

hey so this might have been confusing but it's all gonna be explained in the next chapter. hope you're enjoying it!