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Nicki
Jhene and I met when I began songwriting at a studio for my label. I didn't write for Jhene, but she was one girl that used the studio while I was by the mixing board, writing away.
From there on, after hearing her voice, I made it a point to always be around her somehow in some way.
She became mine without hesitation. I became hers without hesitation.
An illness, cancer that she battled in her youth had unfortunately come back unexpectedly. This time, it was inevitable it would take my Jay.
For her last trip, she requested a road trip from New York, to California. Keeping my promise, I packed up and spent some money on a good RV.
We sit in the bed, looking out of the window at the beach we're parked at. I braid her hair in a French braid back. And kiss her cheek.
I'm on the second braid braid when she starts coughing a bit. Jhene almost loses her strength and leans forward.
It's been killing me, seeing her deplete.
"Nicki, can you take me to the beach?"
"Of course, beautiful."
She grabs her cane and then my hand. Earlier today we ate at several restaurants and taste tested so many things. It was so fun to do with my Jhene.
"Hold up, get on mah back, I don't want you walkin' the whole way."
She agrees and I feel her weight on my back. Nowadays I appreciate the back pain.
We aren't too far away from the sand, we parked on the road where the other cars are.
She play bites my ear. Since I'm so short and we've already touched the sand, I lay her on her back and we both laugh. Didn't even let me mess with her or anything, just started to laugh maniacally.
"Jay!"
I playfully drag her through the sand. I'm not very strong or forceful so she just moves a few inches.
"Nick! You're getting sand in my shorts!" Jay laughs.
I stop pulling and sit her up. Her face is red a bit from the sun and laughing. I can't help but remember this feels like the first time I came to a good beach that wasn't Panama City.
She showed me around the pier, we fed a seagull and a baby wandered off and kept saying 'hello' to us. That moment right there of Jay interacting and waving back at the little boy made me realize that I wanted such a future with Jhene. We had come up with names. Every suggestion I had was in a way, a remix of Jhene. I mean I came up with Janiah Renee for a girl and Jessiah Andray. That baby may happen in the future, Jhene saved her eggs, but I can't fathom a future without her. To know that it could sneak up on us at any moment now... I'm just not sure that sits right with me.
I wish we could enjoy our marriage a lot more. I wish we stayed in our house in New York a little more. I told Jhene she could decorate to her heart's content all she wanted. Every room is Jhene, all the trinkets and decoratives are all MY JHENE.
Jhene gets up on her own and takes my hand. We slowly approach the water. I let her lead the way.
She drops her cane at the shore line then continues in the water, pulling me with her with all her strength.
"Jay."
She just continues. Like she's getting to a specific part of the water. A specific coordinate.
I follow and allow her to drag me anyways.
We splash around in our pajama shorts and shirts. I don't even have a bra on. Jhene lays on her back and floats looking up at me.
"Look, Oni."
"I'm lookin'." I reassure.
I lean down and kiss her lips tenderly.
"Love you."
"Love you."
I i hook my arm under her neck, and right under her knees and support her a bit to hold her.
She looks up at the sky with a smile and I look up too. Someone's flying an airplane and writing words in the sky.
I can't help but smile. They're sweet loved covey quotes.
Jhene ugly coughs and I look down.
I look down and realize she's checked out.
She's dying I know. Jay is going.
"Onika, sing for me please." She says quietly.
Even amongst the cries of the seagulls and airplane buzzing above us, I can hear her. However, as I realize I'm losing her, I feel the tears come down.
"Baby..."
"I will, but you sing with me." I say.
I gently sway her and sing a song I have in my head.
"Sing When We We're Young, Oni. I love when you do."
I nod and do exactly that. I move her hair out of her face and sing.
Jhene harmonizes with me as much as she possibly can.
"Let me photograph you in this light..."
Jhene closes her eyes and my voice cracks.
"In case it is the last time that we might be exactly..."
She snuggles closer to me.
"Like we were before we realized"
I hold her hand.
"We we're sad of getting old it made us restless."
I adjust her a bit in my arms and hold her closer.
"Oh I'm so mad of getting old it makes me restless"
Her head flops over and half of her face falls in the water but there are no bubbles.
"It was just like a movie, it was just like a song."
I move her head back out of instinct try to wake her up.
"When we were young."
I stop singing and cry.
"I love you, Jay. You don't know how much."
I almost drop to my knees in this water. I just hold her close to my body and try to think. My wife is gone.
