Fathers (Book 4 girlxgirl)

Calling Dad

I should just do it.

I stare down at the phone number next to the phone.

I'm not really sure why I can't seem to just do it. I mean, it's just a phone call. I've done it a thousand times before and this shouldn't be any different. Making phone calls has been around for decades, longer than I've been alive. And it's not like I haven't made difficult phone calls before either. But for some reason, I just can't seem to bring myself to make this one. Probably because of everything that's happened over the last few days. Faith started this whole journey with her own phone call. Things worked out pretty well for her. She's probably on her way back here now after getting her father from the hospital.

I thought I would've made the call already and I would have to wait for her to come back to talk about it with her. But I'm still sitting here trying to work up the courage to actually give my dad a call. This shouldn't be so hard. I know that it's been a long time since I talked to him, but I feel like that should've made things easier, not harder. I shouldn't be this invested in how it's going to work out. Except part of me just can't seem to get on board with the idea. Whatever he might say when we actually talk. If he says something I don't want to hear, or don't want to know. There's no way to take that back once I actually go ahead and do it.

Which is probably why it's so hard for me to do. I'm not sure I want to know what he thinks about me. At the same time though, I want him to know what I've been thinking all these years. I want him to know what effect he's had on me. Even if I'm not entirely sure how much he's actually screwed with the way I've lived and the choices I've made. I just want him to know that it happened. And how I feel about it. That's probably not the best way to open up a conversation between us. I haven't talked to him in forever. If I pushed him too far too quickly, it would ruin any chance to make things better.

Still, I can't just avoid the subject at all when I do finally pick it up and call him. Otherwise what's the point of talking to him in the first place? I'll just have to try and figure it out.

I reach out and grab the receiver of the phone, picking it up. After staring at it for a while, I hear the door open and I look up to see Faith walking through.

"Hey B, how did it go?"

I put the phone back on the hook.

"Funny, I was going to ask you the same thing."

"My dad's doing okay. I took him out of the hospital and got him back home. He promises that he'll rest up and not do anything too crazy."

Really?

"And you believe him?"

"I'm doing the whole trust thing. I hear it's kinda important in family dynamics."

That has me chuckling.

"Yeah, I guess so."

She comes over and sits down on her bed across from me. We sit in silence for a while.

"So... you gonna tell me?"

I guess I should be honest.

"I would tell you, if I'd actually done it."

She watches me a moment.

"You haven't called?"

I take a deep breath.

"Not yet. I just keep staring at the phone number."

She smiles at me.

"I get it."

I look back at her.

"You do?"

"Yeah, I did that for a long time before I actually called him. You'll get there."

My attention turns back to the phone number on the side table.

"I hope so."

More silence between us.

"Would it help if I dialed for you?"

She wants to dial for me?

I don't respond right away.

"I... don't know."

"Do you mind if I try?"

It probably wouldn't hurt.

"Sure."

She reaches over and picks up the phone, moving the paper with the phone number on it so she can see it. After taking a second, she starts dialing. Checking to make sure it's going through, she hands the receiver to me. I stare at it for a moment as it continues to ring, but eventually I take it from her and put it to my ear. There's a couple of rings and then the click, where it connects. His voice comes on the phone.

"Hello?"

I should probably say something.

"Dad?"

Silence follows fora few seconds.

"Buffy?"

It takes me a second to answer.

"Yeah dad, it's me."

Another silence happens.

"It's... nice to hear from you."

It is?

"It is?"

We keep getting into silences.

"Yes. I'm glad you called."

Another moment.

"You are?"

"I've been thinking about you for a while. Ever since I stopped hearing from your mother."

He used to talk to mom?

"When did you talk to mom last?"

More silence.

"A few months ago. She usually calls me from time to time just to let me know what's going on."

She did?

"What did she say?"

"Just... things like how you're doing in school. What you're working towards. She said you were doing pretty well, all things considered."

Mom lied to him?

"She did?"

"Yeah, although I haven't heard from her in a while. I was getting worried. Is she okay?"

I guess I should be honest.

"Mom... died..."

Nothing but silence follows for a long while. I look up at Faith and she just stares back with a sympathetic look.

"Are you... okay?"

Am I okay?

I don't really say anything to that.

"Buffy?"

"I'm here."

We don't say anything after that.

"Are you okay?"

I take another deep breath.

"I'm just... surprised."

"Surprised?"

"I haven't heard from you in years. I can't remember the last time we had a conversation. I guess I'm just surprised to hear that you actually care about me."

A long silence happens when I say that.

"I always cared about you Buffy. You and your sister. I just... didn't know how to say it. So I ended up saying nothing. It was easier for me, and it got easier the longer I did it. Although I'm sure it was harder on you."

I don't respond right away.

"It was."

"I'm sorry about that."

Did he really just apologize for not being around? I wasn't expecting him to do that.

"So... are you okay?"

I'm not sure how to answer that exactly.

"I'm... as okay as I can be."

That's probably the most honest I can be.

"How's Dawn? Is she taking it okay?"

His questions have me looking up at Faith again, her expression changing to concern from the way I look at her.

"Dawn... Dawn's..."

When Faith hears our daughter's name, she reaches out and takes my hand, squeezing it firmly. She mouths the words 'it's okay' to me.

"Dawn... died..."

There's a long silence on the other end of the line.

"H-how? When?"

"A few months before Mom did. She... she was in a... car accident."

More silence on the other end. Faith squeezes my hand firmly and does her best to smile even though she's obviously sad.

I'm so glad she's here.

"I... I need to see you. I need to know that you're okay."

"I'm okay dad... it's like I said... I'm as okay as I can be."

"But... you don't have anyone to help you through this."

I return my focus to Faith.

"I... have someone dad. Someone I can rely on to help me. You don't have to..."

"I want to Buffy. I need to know that you're okay. Please..."

He leaves it there and just lets it hang for a while.

It sounds like he really wants to see me. I wasn't expecting that, but...

"Okay dad, if you really want to."

"I'll be on the first flight out."

Wait...

"Dad, I'm not... I'm not home right now. I'm... out of town."

"Where?"

I don't respond right away.

"I'm... it doesn't matter. I... I'm helping a friend with something. But... I'll be home soon. Probably next week some time so... don't rush."

He pauses for a moment.

"I'll get a flight out next week."

He's really determined to do this.

"Okay..."

We let the silence happen for a long time.

I guess that's all I really have to say.

"See ya."

"All right... I love you."

And then I just put the phone down and hang up. She gives me a moment before saying anything.

"You okay B?"

I don't really know how to answer that question. I guess the most honest thing to say is...

"I think so."

"Can I do anything?"

I turn my attention to her as I see her sympathetic smile. I don't say anything for a while.

"Just... hold me?"

Almost immediately, she gets off her bed and comes sit on mine, putting her arms around me. Her touch just feels so good that I put my arms around her too.

"Thanks for being here Faith."

"Of course... there's nowhere else I'd rather be."

I feel so much the same way.