ೃ⁀➷ᴘꜱʏᴄʜᴏᴘᴀᴛʜ ¬ ᴇɴɢ ᴠᴇʀ

- TEN -

To be honest, I was never one to have friends or people I trusted around, I didn't know how to socialize. The moment I met Felix, it was thanks to a guy I barely knew because I had seen him a couple of times in the park near my house. We had started talking and, one day, he asked me if I wanted to meet his friend. He gave me a vague description of the guy and the location of the coffee shop, the day after he texted me the time and that's how it happened.

From the first second I sat across from Felix I knew it was going to be a dead end because, for the first time in my life, I had fallen madly in love with a boy whose name I barely knew. His smile, the way his eyes were lost when he laughed, the way he ate, his hair so shiny and smelly, his hands so small, the way he looked at things, absolutely everything.

Had I screwed up? Yes, I admit it.
Was what I did fixable? No, because I'd already hurt him too much and it wasn't going to be easy for him to forgive me, let alone trust me again.

Maybe I would have avoided some things if I had told him about my illness, but I didn't want to scare him and make him leave me, I was afraid of losing him if he knew, but I ended up pushing him away anyway and in the worst way.

That's why, that last day he was home, when I saw him sound asleep on the couch, I went to get the keys he was hiding from the door and left them on the coffee table. Then I picked him up and put him to bed so that he would sleep well, and also so that I could lie down next to him after so long. Every time we slept together, he would wake up first and watch me, but then he would pretend to sleep when I started to wake up. I knew because I was the one who woke up before him and did the same thing.

When he wanted to get out of bed, I pulled him by the arm so he could fall on me and I could kiss him because I knew it would be the last moment, the last memory I could create with him before he found the keys and left. In that instant when he rolled out of my arms and stood up, I held back the urge to go after him and just pretended to be asleep, at least until I felt the front door close.

It's been almost a week since I gave him back his freedom, what he had been longing for. I know he's with his parents and that makes me happy, but I had fallen into a depression that was killing me inside. I barely see the sunlight, I spend it locked up in what used to be our room, where all his things are still, in a house where everything reminds me of him. I don't work anymore and I only imagine him, what I did to him. That smile I took from him, the happiness I took from him, the hurt I caused him. I could just hate myself more and more every day for everything I had done unconsciously because of those damn voices that took over my actions.

I want to be with him.
My head doesn't think about anything else anymore.
I need him by my side to stay alive.
I can't take this pain in my chest anymore.

And the pills don't put me to sleep enough anymore...