Love gives hope

Chapter 14 "i can't do this"

Derek's Point-of-View

I knew that Meredith couldn't be her usual self with that teenager following her around. I'd have to find a way to get rid of him, he was ruining my mojo. I had a mouthful of snude comments, but only a few slipped out. I loved seeing her blush though.

I was hoping she would slip in to see me after the CT, but a nurse came and brought me back to my room. No biggie, she was a surgical intern, it was about damn time she made herself busy. With as much as I wanted her to live her life to the fullest, because we all know that I've learned that you can't take life for granted, I wanted her all for myself in the same.

When she was around, I didn't feel sick, I didn't feel damaged, I didn't feel like a dying man. I just felt like the guy that was good enough to put that beautiful twinkle in her eyes...

"Derek." I heard in a soft hum, I looked up and smiled.

"There you are, I was hoping you'd sneak in here and see me."

I stopped my words short by the flat, unemotional, detached expression on her face. The same mirrored on her colleague's when he followed her into the room. I felt my stomach sink against my spine as I recognized that look... I'd seen it before.

"Oh." I breathed "Oh..."

"Derek." She said again, this time her voice cracked, she cleared her throat to try and clear it up, but I could see that she was on the verge of crying. "We got your CT results back, and we consulted a few different physicians."

"More like a dozen." Alex scoffed. Meredith closed her eyes as if she were fighting the pain.

"Just say it." I said slowly, as if I were encouraging her, she opened my eyes and looked mixed between wanting to kill me and disturbed that I sounded so calm. "You've just got to spit it out."

"It's not as bad as we think." She blurted from her sickeningly optimistic core "There are more doctors out there, ones who like to take on risky cases, I'll hunt them down and I'll get them to listen."

I sucked in a deep breath as my eyes stung and then blew it out as I looked over at Alex.

"You don't like me very much." I stated as a fact.

"No." he smirked "Not particularly."

"Then you tell me." I said, "I know you'll tell me the truth."

I saw Meredith nervously shift and throw Alex a warning glance, to which he ignored and gave me a nod.

"Your cancer has metastasized to your left kidney, it's completely consumed the organ and that explains the infections and blood in your urine. There is also a golf ball sized tumor in the lining of your stomach that is eating a hole into it."

"Is that all?" I choked out.

"There is treatment." Meredith cut in, "We can find a treatment plan, we could operate."

"The chances of you surviving the operation are about 15%" Alex cut in "In order for it to be productive at all, we'd have to go in and scrape out every bit of tumor, take out your kidney, meaning you'd only have one left and hope that one doesn't go too. We'd probably have to take out part of your liver and maybe half of a lung, not to mention your stomach might have to go too. You're looking at a very long painful recovery. The only way for it to be worth the risk is if you were to get a bone marrow transplant and hope that it throws you into remission."

I rubbed my lips together as I felt the sting of the hard blow he just handed me.

"I've had three bone marrow transplants. They've all failed." I mumbled "What is the prognosis?"

"I would give you a week and a half, two weeks tops before the tumor in your stomach eats its way through and you bleed out."

"Alex!" Meredith hissed. I glanced over to see her hide her face and wipe at her cheek.

"Thank you Dr. Karev." I sighed "I will let you know my decision at the end of the day."

"Ok." Alex nodded before backing out of the room.

As soon as he was gone, Meredith moved to sit on the edge of my bed, the tears that she couldn't shove down, and hide were rimming in pools at her eyelids. My heart broke, I didn't want her to hurt, not over this, not over me.

"You need the surgery." She sniffled. "I can schedule it in the morning."

"Meredith." I shook my head "No."

"Yes, we're doing the surgery. It's the only shot in hell we have to beating this."

"We're not going to beat this." I scoffed, "I am not going to beat this. This is it, it's the end of the line. I knew that coming in here."

"You came in here for help, Derek. That is what I am going to do! The surgery will buy us a little more time, we need more time."

"No, what you're doing is living in fantasy land where every cut is fixed with a band aid and every bruise can be kissed away. Real life doesn't work that way, Meredith!"

"You think I don't know that!" she hissed "You think I want to be in here spending all my time with you? You think I want to have your disease on my mind all the time, researching new trials and ways to save you? You think I haven't thought about you dying? You think I haven't seen your CT results? You think I'm not thinking about the reality Derek? I am! But there is hope... and until there is no hope I am not giving up!"

"There is no more hope!" I muttered "How many times do I have to tell you that. There is no hope! I am dying, and apparently soon! So, stop wasting your time on me, stop spending all your time at my bedside and go out with your friends, have fun, be an intern. I came here to die alone, and that's exactly what I intend to do."

Tears sprung from her eyes and ran down her face as she cringed in pain and bit her trembling lip, I felt mine quiver a little as the sight crumbled me.

"If you were so intent on dying, why didn't you do it when you first got here." She growled, "Why didn't you do it before you even met me!"

"Meredith." I whispered as I reached for her hand, "I'm sorry, I never wanted to hurt you. However, I am ok with dying, I knew I was dying a long time ago, and I've come to terms with it. I've made peace with it. I know you don't want me to talk about heaven and crap, but I do, I believe in heaven, and I believe there is peace there. I'm ready for it?"

"I'm not ready for it!" she screamed, "What about me? What if I'm not ready for it, Derek?"

"You're my doctor. You should always be ready for it."

"No!" she squeaked out a sob, "No! No one is ever ready for losing the person that they love!"

"What?" I stuttered out, I felt tears welling in my own eyes as I watched her break down in front of me.

"I love you." She sobbed, "I love you and I don't want to. You think I want to love you? I don't, but I do, I love you so much that I hate you. I hate you for making me love you! All I wanted to do was get through my intern year and for once in my life try not to screw anything up! Then, I met you. You changed me, you made me feel more like a human being than anyone ever has. Now, you're just going to die on me, and you think I am going to survive this? You think I am going to be able to pick myself up out of bed every day for the rest of the year?"

"Meredith please." I begged with tears of my own streaming down my face.

"So, yeah Derek." She sniffled "I'm saying I'm not ready for it, I'm saying I'm never going to be ready for it."

"Mer." I whispered as I reached for something to say, something to say to her, something to promise... but I was coming up with a blank. Because I couldn't promise her what she wanted to hear, I couldn't promise her what I wanted to promise her.

"I can't." she sobbed as she ripped her hand out of mine and stood up, "I can't do this."

As I watched her quickly flee the room, I knew I was going to die, right then and there. If the cancer didn't get me first, it would be my heart.